Flashback (TRIGGER!)

[crisispoint]

Had a nightmare last night and it triggered a flashback this morning.

Regardless of how bad my abuse was, one of the worst things is seeing how, in little ways, he made my abuse "normal" and a part of the "counseling process." Like how he would undress and fondle me while he was asking me about things or other things while doing, well, normal activities.

I know I'm not to blame, and I feel it now, which is a load off my mind, but the questions still linger. Did I do something to make him do this? Did I really want it?

Why am I asking adult questions of something that was forced on me when I was 11 years old? Still asking questions after all the talking I've been through? All the recovery I've done?

I guess you're never free of the results.

Damn him.

Scot

 

[theo]

scot,
no matter the amount of therapy or healing i think the bottom line for those who survived is the simple question of "why?". it takes the form of so many other questions, but i think "why" is what it boils down to. as human beings we have to attempt to find some meaning in our existence and when that existence involves the horror sexual abuse for a child the answers will never be forthcoming because there can be no answer to this evil. whether it be sickness of tormented person, or the psychosis of a sociopath, there is no answer to the "why" of this happening. in the end, i think the only kind we can do as survivors is come to peace with the fact that we survived when so many others have not. take care, scot. pm me if you need to talk.

 

[Lloydy]

Scot
Why do keep asking ourselves these questions ?
Somehow we know the truth, we know it wasn't our fault. But something eats away at us.

That 'something' is what the abusers told us - the LIES they told us, and they are hard to shift at times.

But I was reminded of just how powerless a young boy is by Stepehen5's post on the Poetry forum.
It's a vivid reminder of how we were as boys.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=15;t=000005

Dave

 

[Enigma]

>>Did I do something to make him do this? Did I really want it?

What you wanted was love and affection, which is what every child needs to survive. Do not condemn yourself for having this need.

As Theo mentioned, your abuser was/is a sociopath. Sociopaths are predators. Predators consume their prey. It gives them a thrill, it satiates them for awhile, gives them satisfaction, or the promise of satisfaction.

Sociopaths have no empathy for the feelings of their prey, they show little or no guilt or remorse for the consequences of their actions. To the best of my judgement, these people do not identify with the human emotions of their victims.

So what makes some people turn to the dark side? I believe there are a couple of common traits. The first is a black rage and hostility towards other people, many times masked by an engaging, superficially charming facade. The second is being supremely and utterly selfish, again many times hidden by expressions of caring and empathy.

In other words, sociopaths are bad people. (I'm so insightful ) But if they hold jobs and are able to interact with people successfully, that means they have some "good" qualities too.

That is my dilemma. My abusers (father and stepmother) were high function sociopaths. It has dawned on me fairly recently that I was raised by bad people with some good qualities.

I have no idea if this helps, but wanted to try for both of us.

Scot, your letters to little Scot were very helpful to me. You have a warmth and compassion that comes through very clearly.

Chris

 

[Mike Church]

Crisispoint my brothers above have it right.

I spent the better part of a lifetime with the whys and what did it doos. Fact is I did nothing except be in the wrong place at the wrong time and happened upon 3 real slime balls and, as they say, the rest was history.

I cannot change what happened to me or what it caused me to become later but I can and have and will continue to try to change my beliefs and feelings around the fact. I do know that I am one hell of a lot better than they could ever hope to be. It takes something lower than snake shit in a wagon rut to do what they did.