Flashback Nightmare
Born to Resist
Registrant
I guess I should say this may be triggering for some.
As with most of us I use to have nightmares when I was young. I discovered that I could take control of my dreams by becoming angry in my dream. Enough anger that I could destroy that which I was affraid of. In a sense I have always used anger to cope with all things in my life. Recently I've tried to disengage my anger in life and in my dreams. I've long used anger to cover my pain ... my T says I use it to mask the emotions I don't want to deal with. I use anger to protect me from being over powered by my negative emotions.
Last night I started having a vivid nightmare about being molested by my male cousin. This is usually the part were I rely on my anger to protect me and escape the nightmare. But this time I choose to disengage my anger.
It also happens to be the point that I don't remember what actually happen next in my abuse, until it was over. I recall him abusing me twice but don't remember any details after a certain point.
When I disengaged my anger in the dream then sheer terror hit me!! I have never been so afraid in my life or in my dreams. I was so striken with terror, crying for it to stop, clawing to get away, then in my dream I chose to dissociate and have an out of body experience which reduced my terror but then I floated up and saw what was happenning.
Today I have been trying to numb myself. When I begin to think about the dream all I feel is terror. Luckily I had a scheduled appointment with my T today. She says its progress. She beleives that it was probably a real flashback that I haven't been ready to deal with. She said I'm finally ready to let myself face the experience of terror that I've blocked out.
We both thought that it would be a good idea to share this experience with those who I have disclosed to and support me. Thus, here I post now remembering and feeling the terror without the anger to protect me.
As with most of us I use to have nightmares when I was young. I discovered that I could take control of my dreams by becoming angry in my dream. Enough anger that I could destroy that which I was affraid of. In a sense I have always used anger to cope with all things in my life. Recently I've tried to disengage my anger in life and in my dreams. I've long used anger to cover my pain ... my T says I use it to mask the emotions I don't want to deal with. I use anger to protect me from being over powered by my negative emotions.
Last night I started having a vivid nightmare about being molested by my male cousin. This is usually the part were I rely on my anger to protect me and escape the nightmare. But this time I choose to disengage my anger.
It also happens to be the point that I don't remember what actually happen next in my abuse, until it was over. I recall him abusing me twice but don't remember any details after a certain point.
When I disengaged my anger in the dream then sheer terror hit me!! I have never been so afraid in my life or in my dreams. I was so striken with terror, crying for it to stop, clawing to get away, then in my dream I chose to dissociate and have an out of body experience which reduced my terror but then I floated up and saw what was happenning.
Today I have been trying to numb myself. When I begin to think about the dream all I feel is terror. Luckily I had a scheduled appointment with my T today. She says its progress. She beleives that it was probably a real flashback that I haven't been ready to deal with. She said I'm finally ready to let myself face the experience of terror that I've blocked out.
We both thought that it would be a good idea to share this experience with those who I have disclosed to and support me. Thus, here I post now remembering and feeling the terror without the anger to protect me.