flashback blues

flashback blues
Michael
My biggest problem is maths, I'm dyslexic with numbers (dyscalculia I think it's called ) so when I write something about my past I tend to guestimate dates. But if I think about it a bit I get it right. I was abused first, one incident, at about 6 yrs. Then at school from 11 to 16 yrs.
from then till I was 45 all I did was go downhill, but I always suspected that what went on at school had a lot to do with it, I just hadn't figured out what and why. I guess I found a way of dealing with it, badly, but it kept me going.
Luckily I recognized that I either had to something, I didn't know what, or I was going to get worse and lose it altogether, and I saw an adver in the local paper for a charity that offered therapy for adult SA victims. I took weeks and several attempts before I let the phone ring long enough to get an answer.
I had about 3 yrs therapy, 1 to 1, and since then I've worked at it myself. This site being the best way I've found.
Defeating my guilt and shame has been the hardest part, and I think I have only done it by sharing it with those I love, which took a hell of job. I didn't know what their reaction would be. But my wife and a few close friends now know EVERYTHING. I now know how lucky I am to have them. But other peoples reactions to my past, not least here on this site, have confirmed to me that I did NOTHING wrong. Very regular abuse over 4 years trained me to behave like the instigator, I would ask my abusers what they wanted me to do. that remained with me until the last couple of years, sometimes it's still there a bit. But just because I asked them doesn't make me the same as them. THEY were the abusers, something I never lose sight of now.
I was incredibly lucky to get a specialist therapist and with very intensive work I got over the worst in 2 1/2 years or so. But I still have the occasional chat.
And I do like myself now, mainly because other people like me too. Something I never recognised before. I thought everyone was out to screw me somehow, but they weren't.
talk to you later Michael
Lloydy
 
Now i understand better......did you not remember the abuse at all, or were you fully aware of it your entire life.....i remember very little, and have been totally unable to remember any of the sex acts.....not surprising i guess, since not only can i not have sex, but i cannot even dream about having sex.....very screwed up, i know.....the 2 1/2 years scares me a little, that means i have another year of feeling this turmoil?????? i told my family and they all deny the abuse ever happened because my mother convinced them of this, even though they have no way of knowing since i am the oldest.....the uncle that abused me impregnated my 15-year-old cousin, his niece, and tried to sleep with my 15-year-old sister.....my mother is fully aware of all of this, but still denies the possibility.....of course, i try to deny the possibility too......but her initial reaction to me when i told her was, "I'll call your uncle and ask him".......to me is totally unforgivable, i will never forgive her for that.....NEVER!!!!! we have had a very strained relationship for a number of years, but at this point, i think it is beyond repair....i've been searching for her love, love she is incapable of giving, for so long......i just refuse to waste anymore time trying to be "WORTHY" of her love.....F----!!!!! she is not worthy of my love, i will not continue to try......i will co-exist, nothing more.........i do have fragmented memories of a couple of incidents when i was a teenager spending weekends with my uncle.....my therapist thinks my abuse began at such a young age that is why my memories are so fragmented and i'm so messed up.....he says i may never recall things......the uncertainty and the not "really" knowing is so taxing.......maybe i need to start drinking to forget..........michael
 
Michael
Don't get hung up on what you've forgotten, and I promise you drinking doesn't help you remember or forget, all it does to me is make the depression worse, and the hangovers are just too much.
I can remember everything just about, each incident, and who did what. My problem was that I immediately started to use the memories as fantasy when the abuse stopped, just distorting them so that I was "really" in charge, not just playing at being in charge. What they did was initially beat and rape me then groom me to ask them for sex, suggest different things to do. This way it became "my fault" and their consciences remained clear. They probably still are.
The amount or the content of the memories aren't important, if you've been abused 1 time or a 1000 times it's too many.
Work with what you've got and take support from those who support you.
Later
Lloydy
 
I'm not sure if the uncertainty is a blessing or a curse....my therapist tells me i will remember more when i can mentally cope....you think that is really possible????? In many ways i need to remember everything, but yet i'm so terrified at how i'll cope with the truth.....i guess what jack nicholson said to tom cruise in a few good men is true.....I CANNOT HANDLE THE TRUTH.......at least not all the truth.....i question whether i will ever be able to deal with the truth......we'll see.....thanks for being here......michael
 
Hi michaelb. Your mom called your uncle? Same with me. I told my sister about mom. Sis burned up the phone lines to momma,told momma what I had said. Mom & sis tagged me a nutcase on the spot. I thought it immensely humorous then and still do.
 
Michael
the truth dont hurt- lies do. We've been lied to, deeply and persistently in the past, until we believed the abusers lies. Getting rid of the lies is more important than regaining every bit of truth. Let the memories come as they want to come, deal with the lies and you'll find the truth. It'll be all that's left.
'later
Lloydy :)
 
Tinfoil.....thanks for responding...my mom did not actually call my uncle, it was a threat....you see, the last time she spoke to him, my stepfather took the phone from her because my uncle was telling her very explicity what he wanted to do to her sexually....if she called him, my stepfather would hit the roof.....i think my uncle has always had a thing for my mom, hell, for all i know, they may have had an affair, back when i was little, or maybe before i was born.....i've actually considered the possibility that my uncle might be my father....but i've discounted that possibility.....maybe my uncle abused me because my mom turned him down, who knows????????? Lloydy.....the tough thing for me is all of the uncertainty.....it is like is this stuff real or am i just imagining stuff????/ i've actually thought i was loosing my mind the last couple of years, why is all of this crap coming up now???? well, guess i know the answer to that one...it is probably because i was so close to death....i almost died with congestive heart failure, most of the time i wish i would have....it would have been much easier than to deal with what i'm looking at.............michael :confused:
 
Michael
I guess we all live with uncertainty, if we knew exactly what was going to happen, knew all the answers we wouldn't have anything left to think about except the past. And for some of us we'd rather leave that behind.
The scrapes with death I've had, either at my own or someone elses hands, have left me looking forward to the future, with all it's uncertainties. I look forward to tommorrow incase it's sunny and I can get the bbq fired up as much as I look forward to retiring to a life in the sun ( I fancy Utah )
They've made me stronger in a strange way. We have all used amazing strengths to get this far, strengths we don't know we've got. But we've all got them.
talk to you later Michael
Lloydy
 
I was really relating well to you, until you told me you want to retire to UTAH??????????? why utah??????? i'm joking, guess utah is ok, but i've not heard many people talk about retiring there unless they are mormons...i have a branch of my family that live in fresno that are mormons.......utah is like their mecca......my passages with death just make me sorry that i'm not gone yet....i see absolutely no reason to still be here, as i feel i really have nothing to live for....and if the only reason i'm still alive is to remember things i think might have happened, well that is the cruelest joke of all.....i do not believe much in god, if there is one, i find him very cruel and vengeful and frankly not a being i'd care to associate with.....i just see and feel so much pain, hurt, etc...in the world......i just want the courage to exit.........michael
 
I am, as always, tempted to open with a joke to diffuse what is a very serious discussion.

Have you considered that some element of not being able to find good stuff in life is that you are in Ohio? Joking, please, I am joking.

That said, my move to California from the Northeast enabled me to remove myself from the dysfunction of my family and enjoy the effect that sunshine has, at least, on me.

You will find a way out of the desert. If we destroy ourselves then the abuser has won, and that should not happen. you (and all of us) can survive...and thrive.
 
Well, when I say Utah I guess I mean the 4 corners area, Utah, New Mexico, Colorado & Arizona. I'm awed by the deserts and the history of the area. And my love of 4x4's makes this the ultimate playground, even if my "overconfidence" ( stupidity is what I really mean ) nearly killed us not far from Escalante when I drove a Jeep off the edge of the map, got lost and got stuck !! But we've been back there and still love it. The Mormons aren't a problem, or they haven't been in my experience. Not once has anyone pushed their religion at us, or even said "by the way, I'm a Mormon". But the only sight of Salt Lake City we've had was heading south on I 15, I believe it's a bit different there.
The main reason we want to move away is that I live very close to where my abuse went on and my home town where I grew up, the whole area within a 10 mile radius is riddled with unhappy memories. My job also means I drive around a larger area as well, into small towns where I know my abusers still live. One lives in the same village as my parents.
We have no kids, my brother's already in Canada, so what's stopping us ? 25 years of employment is what, I have to hang on another 4 or so until I can get my early retirement package from this shit job that gets worse by the day. It's sad to think that I put up with this just for the money, but I suppose I must. Some days I've nearly shoved the spanners up the bosses arse and walked, it's been very close.
Like you Cement, a "warped humour" get's me a long way, if I don't get into trouble first.
And Michael, he's also right when he says-
If we destroy ourselves then the abuser has won, and that should not happen. you (and all of us) can survive...and thrive.
Click to expand...
I don't let my boss win, I will not walk out without my pension, and I will NEVER let my abusers win, I'm so much better than them.
Lloydy :)
 
VERY FUNNY ABOUT OHIO!!!!!!!.....joking........to think i moved back here, i'm actually considering a move to maine or somewhere cool......maybe even cape cod if i could deal with the tourists all summer......i guess in my case, my ABUSER HAS WON!!!!!!! to pretend or say otherwise would be ridiculous.....but i do not think he did those things to me to win.....i honestly believe he loved me, he just did not realize how much of me he destroyed in the process.....i have not seen him in 7 years and really do not think i ever want to see him again, but a very big part of me still loves him......and HATES myself.....i really do not think that is ever going to change......i guess i've given up on ever finding love, but i would like to touch a few peoples live's before i die......just not sure how........life just hurts so much at times.....well, most of the time for me.......michael
 
Michael,

Your perp DID NOT love you. He may have said that, but love does not lead to abuse. Loving him does not say anything bad about you. We all want someone to love and to love us. But please do not confuse your abuse with love.

Real love is out there and it does not abuse us.

Ken
 
Arizona is the place to go...The Arizona Strip...one of the wildest and neatest places in the US...four wheeler's heaven..have driven out over 30 times and flown out a few more! Fly into Vegas and have a 4X4 waiting for you...just 200 miles to heaven at 100 miles an hour...good roads...no pigs!!! Get there bad roads and almost no one...the North Rim of The Grand Cayon has over 2000 miles of bad dirt roads on the topo maps...see the Cayon from 100's of over looks...just live out there...no one cares!!!!

Eddie
 
Eddie
I've done the tourist thing at the canyon twice now, helicopter rides the whole works, and it's a truly fabulous place. We stopped at a motel at Seven Mile Village ( I think ) and the owner was a 4 wheeler who made me so green with envy at the trails to drive. There's so much peace and tranquility there, despite the thousands of tourists, you only have to make a bit of effort and you're out of it. The grandeur of the canyon and the history of the native Americans who settled there make this one of my favorite places. And Vegas is sooo much fun, I don't gamble but we put aside a $100 for a few days and wander about the casino's losing it and people watching- my favorite pastime. As you might guess I love the USA.

Michael, Ken says it all, there's no love in the kind of abuse we endured. What they said was love was nothing more than someone with power and influence over us misusing it. What we gave them back was subservience. They told us it was love or affection, they lied and we believed them.
The golden rule of all abusers is to tell the victim "This is our secret" it's cast in stone that one. Once we tell someone, anyone, it's no longer a secret.
And you're right about the tourists in Cape Cod, we're a pain in the arse !!
I'm looking forward to our next trip to the States, but my wife has left her very well paying job and times are hard. Maybe I could give up drinking and smoking, eating out, my jeep....
Lloydy ;)
 
You telling me not to love my uncle is very easy, but me feeling that way is another matter....I guess i do not love him now, but i remember how deeply i loved him for my entire childhood, i guess until i spent a weekend with him when i was 15.....i'm pretty sure he raped me that weekend....even thinking about him coming into the bathroom when he knew i was taking a shower, sends cold shivers down my spine.....i've blacked out everything from him entering the room......a few days after i returned home i began sleep-walking and attempted suicide the first time a few weeks later.....but i remember the feelings of love, of adoration i had for my uncle....i actually had forgotten the depth of my feelings for him, but i will never forget now......i know i still care for him even now......i have not seen him in 7-8 years and will probably never see him again......but in many ways, i just kind of pity him.......i realize that if he did those things to me, something similar probably happened to him......all i know is that i could have very easily become a perpetrator back when i was a teenager if not for my inner strength of knowing it was wrong to do that to a little boy, but i was very tempted and came very close......i guess even though i'm not certain i believe in god, i have to thank him for giving me the strength not to abuse that little boy back then.........michaelb
 
Michael
I've been reminded just how close we come to becoming perp's ourselves by a tv programe that had an interview with a pedo, it's scary !!
But that inner strength you talk about must have guided us somehow, and I bet it still does, we've gotten this far haven't we ! :)
Lloydy
 
Michael...

Every minute you are able to fight against an impulse, every day you are able to go on is a victory against your abuser.

I can totally understand the mixed feelings regarding love and blame. I asked my sister for my abuse, ultimately, and when she stopped, I didn't want to stop. I loved her and if she loved me, why would she stop showing it? But, you see, she was older and IN CHARGE OF ME, I was her responsibility. She knew it was wrong, and to aleviate her own guilt, she manipulated the situation so I would seem at least at guilty as she was.

Even as I write, I start to fall back into language that seems like it almost shares the guilt.

I hope you can see in my case, as I can in yours, that the perp is the problem, and the perp USED the guise of love to satisfy their own manipulative, thoughtless acts of torture.
 
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