flashback blues
Michael
My biggest problem is maths, I'm dyslexic with numbers (dyscalculia I think it's called ) so when I write something about my past I tend to guestimate dates. But if I think about it a bit I get it right. I was abused first, one incident, at about 6 yrs. Then at school from 11 to 16 yrs.
from then till I was 45 all I did was go downhill, but I always suspected that what went on at school had a lot to do with it, I just hadn't figured out what and why. I guess I found a way of dealing with it, badly, but it kept me going.
Luckily I recognized that I either had to something, I didn't know what, or I was going to get worse and lose it altogether, and I saw an adver in the local paper for a charity that offered therapy for adult SA victims. I took weeks and several attempts before I let the phone ring long enough to get an answer.
I had about 3 yrs therapy, 1 to 1, and since then I've worked at it myself. This site being the best way I've found.
Defeating my guilt and shame has been the hardest part, and I think I have only done it by sharing it with those I love, which took a hell of job. I didn't know what their reaction would be. But my wife and a few close friends now know EVERYTHING. I now know how lucky I am to have them. But other peoples reactions to my past, not least here on this site, have confirmed to me that I did NOTHING wrong. Very regular abuse over 4 years trained me to behave like the instigator, I would ask my abusers what they wanted me to do. that remained with me until the last couple of years, sometimes it's still there a bit. But just because I asked them doesn't make me the same as them. THEY were the abusers, something I never lose sight of now.
I was incredibly lucky to get a specialist therapist and with very intensive work I got over the worst in 2 1/2 years or so. But I still have the occasional chat.
And I do like myself now, mainly because other people like me too. Something I never recognised before. I thought everyone was out to screw me somehow, but they weren't.
talk to you later Michael
Lloydy
My biggest problem is maths, I'm dyslexic with numbers (dyscalculia I think it's called ) so when I write something about my past I tend to guestimate dates. But if I think about it a bit I get it right. I was abused first, one incident, at about 6 yrs. Then at school from 11 to 16 yrs.
from then till I was 45 all I did was go downhill, but I always suspected that what went on at school had a lot to do with it, I just hadn't figured out what and why. I guess I found a way of dealing with it, badly, but it kept me going.
Luckily I recognized that I either had to something, I didn't know what, or I was going to get worse and lose it altogether, and I saw an adver in the local paper for a charity that offered therapy for adult SA victims. I took weeks and several attempts before I let the phone ring long enough to get an answer.
I had about 3 yrs therapy, 1 to 1, and since then I've worked at it myself. This site being the best way I've found.
Defeating my guilt and shame has been the hardest part, and I think I have only done it by sharing it with those I love, which took a hell of job. I didn't know what their reaction would be. But my wife and a few close friends now know EVERYTHING. I now know how lucky I am to have them. But other peoples reactions to my past, not least here on this site, have confirmed to me that I did NOTHING wrong. Very regular abuse over 4 years trained me to behave like the instigator, I would ask my abusers what they wanted me to do. that remained with me until the last couple of years, sometimes it's still there a bit. But just because I asked them doesn't make me the same as them. THEY were the abusers, something I never lose sight of now.
I was incredibly lucky to get a specialist therapist and with very intensive work I got over the worst in 2 1/2 years or so. But I still have the occasional chat.
And I do like myself now, mainly because other people like me too. Something I never recognised before. I thought everyone was out to screw me somehow, but they weren't.
talk to you later Michael
Lloydy