Flashback at late twenty's...

[Liam]

Possible trigger - This is my first time posting on the public forum. I found this site a while ago and since then have spend some time reading the posts. Thanks for everyone who share their lives with others like me, who has a harder time stepping forward and admitting what has been done to us. It took me years to admit that i were sexually abused but at the age of twenty one i did. My mother believed and accepted it but my father still denys it happened. I were molested by two older males on a one to one and group situation. After this it took me a while to rebuildt my life and take on the affects i suffered from the abuse. To most of my knowledge i were only sexually abused including oral sex and mutual masturbation. That were until last week. I saw Alien 3 while writing on the floor. For a brief moment i looked up and saw the scene where Ripley got attcked by some vile men. They bend her over this pipe but nothing happens. Immediately i started to panic and had the hardest time to fall asleep. During the last two hours of laying in my bed i started to remember things that i never remembered before. This set me into a depression and every night i go home and go to bed as fast as possible. If this memory is right then i have a hard time to accept that i were anally raped. Prior to this i could recall one incident where my abuser penetrated me. But it were only for a few seconds and i pulled out. But if this memory is right i were trying all this time to avoid the fact that i were raped - more than once. Is it possible that i could possibly remember this at this age. And why is it so much harder to accept than before. I doubted it all until i spoke to my sister about that summer and she confirmed the place and situation and even remembered leaving me behind with him for a few hours. Off course i did not tell her this. She knows that i were molested and i never really sat down and told her the whole story. She has been a great support and encouragement in my life but i cannot find the courage to tell this. I still struggle with doubt and accepting it. Thanks so much for your time and effort - i appreciate it. Any advice would be appreciated. What should and should i not do about it?

 

[Mike Church]

Liam are you in therapy. It is damned difficult to move ahead without professional help.

Here is the url
https://www.malesurvivor.org/Resource%20Directory/index.htm

What you have to remember Liam is that it was never your fault and it is most certainly not your shame. It is the damned perps.

Our minds are funny things and can block out shit like SA until something stirs the pot.

I am glad that your mother is supporting you. Your father is in denial and only he knows the answer to that.

But Liam if you dont already have one get a therapist. ok

 

[Leosha]

I know that it is possible for the mind to block out things that at the time they happen, we are not capable of accepting them. I had a violent episode with my mother, who I always thought loving and good to me, that I did not remember for years until few months ago. I am not sure how the mind works, to decide when you are ready to remember something, but it does. I agree with Mike, that it would most likely be easier to deal with this and work through the emotions with help of a professional. I wish you good luck.

Leosha

 

[uselesstheories]

Liam, you asked:
"Is it possible that i could possibly remember this at this age."

From the postings I've been reading, as well as for my own self, I have to say YES. I was thirty six the first time I had a flashback of any sort - the very first time ANYTHING of this nature ever presented itself in my mind. It was but a fleeting image, leaving me to question aloud, "What the f**k was that?"

I couldn't understand why this sudden image flashed into my mind. Over the course of the next few months, more and more images, of more and more situations began to enter my mind at a nearly overwhelming rate.

I think there is really something to the notion that the mind only reveals what we can handle at the time in which we can handle it - ever wondered why the subconcious is 80% of our brain? It's the facility of storage, memory, adaptation, learning, etc. and I think it's where the bulk of our coping skills come from. At the time in which the "I" that I call "I" is ready to handle something, the subconcious burps it up in a form that it thinks I can handle; my revelations came out slowly, but consistently, so that I could not ignore the constant barrage of images and messages that were being presented to me. In essence, the back of my mind knew I was ready, albeit unwilling, to deal with this, but somehow the other side of my mind knew that I was now ready to deal with it. I think that's what's happening with you.

There's a thread on here asking when we became survivors; it's a good place for you to visit, if only to see the varying ages and methods of self-revelation that some of us experienced.

And Mike brought up a key point, one that I am still struggling with, but it's so very nice to hear from another: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Nor was it mine, nor any other survivor's on this site.

I wish you luck, and I too and sorry that you, like the rest of us, need to be here.

 

[ecb]

Liam,

It is absolutly possible that you may have blocked this memory out until now. I have been dealing with my own abuse for a few years now and just last month I began to have hazy memories of being sodomized myself.

It's still hard to remember, and it's very upsetting. I don't even know if I can trust the memory, but I think it's accurate.

Welcome Liam. I'm sorry that you had to look for us, but it's good you found us.

Best of luck

Eric

 

[survive75]

Hi Liam... I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I know how difficult this is.

For my whole life, I only had a few snapshot memories of the sexual abuse. Since November, I have recovered a handful of vivid memories that have been painful and difficult to face.

And the frustration of knowing that these memories have been locked in my head and I've struggled my whole life trying to figure out why I was depressed, angry, etc. is almost unbearable at times. And then the doubts creep in and I start trying to convince myself that this never happened... it's just a tough cycle to beat.

But you have found a great place to get support. And listen to Mikey about the therapy... he knows what he is talking about. This stuff is tough enough to get through, especially without the professional help.

Glad you took the step to post. We're here to help. PM me if you ever need to.

-Sean

 

[uselesstheories]

Survive75 wrote:

And then the doubts creep in and I start trying to convince myself that this never happened...

Ah, how fitting a statement. I've been living in state of denial it seems for the past few months, not wanting to deal with this, not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to seek help, and not wanting to accept what happened as real. Just last night, as I lay tossing and turning, unable to sleep, I kept reliving my early childhood, trying beyond hope to convince myself that this never happened. And there are time when I almost succeed.

And then reality sets in; an intimate moment with a woman, a sudden flash of an image, a sound, a smell, and then it all comes flooding back.

My synopsis of it is this: yes, the rational mind wants to discard these things, but the back of our heads will keep prodding us, now that the thoughts are there, until we learn to deal with them. Denial is not the answer, but what do I do with the result of not denying what happened, when the RAGE rears its ugly head?

 

[outis]

Liam,

You have already done the first thing. You have told us. It is not a secret anymore. All of us know now, and we all know that there is nothing shameful about you.

I have to agree with Mike, Leosha, and Sean. Get to a professional who can help you. It's possible that you might be able to go it alone, but it wasn't possible for me. Most of the guys who come here eventually realize that this stuff is too big to shrug off, and too close for us to see it clearly. Check the online listings for RAINN to find local help in the US of A.

Take a look at the posts here. Read some of the articles . You will see that what is happening to you now is actually a very normal response to a very abnormal experience.

Keep posting. There are a lot of good people who care in this place.


And to you, Theories, a suggestion. Not wanting to seek help is something I went through for a long time. It was a kind of denial itself, at least for me. What happened was bad enough that I needed to get help, for reasons I outlined above. If you found the courage to come here and post, I know you will be able to try to find the right help.

Thanks,

Joe