Fits of anger as reactions

[dark empathy]

eOkay this is a major problem at the moment.

My fucking phd thesis, yes the one I worked on all through my recovery which got summarily rejected (after being accepted), in 2013 is supposed to be in for May the tenth. its something I long since dispared of doing any good, the hole thing looks fucking pointless to me now just lots of woffle and crap by a bunch of self serving academic who are more interested in their game of oneupmanship than anything in the fucking real world, but I want the sodding letters that I've worked for damnit!

After avoiding for months I finally realize I've got to get the 10 k work epilogue written for may and I'm panicking! this means I need to write something I fucking hate writing and am sick to death of and am convinced is of no point, and yet am panicking over getting it done, indeed even going near the subject these days just makes me feel powerless and depressed as though I'm stuck under a stone that I can't fucking move.

this is making me react badly, especially to my lady. not that I've shouted at her, but I have wranted on the state of the hole fucking pointless shitty world and the stupid humans that inhabit it, especially the little tin pot dictators who are in charge of most of the world and just want to give all the good things and the oppotunities to their nice pretty fucking useless little friends and just want everyone else to be blocks of numbers in their pointless self regard machine!

Which of coruse means same old same old for me, powerlessness is a trigger, I feel completely powerless and I end up upset which in turn upsets my lady which in turn makes me feel guilty, all of which makes me less likely to actually finish writing the pointless lot of woffle that is supposed to get me the Phd that I worked for for all those fucking years, despite the nightmares, despite the fugues, despite everything else!

hell I've even talked to my tutor about an extention just through mental anguish, and how pathetic is that? oh and this isn't even coherent since I'm in a useless fucking mess right now and just swearing so much because its a way to get out the vitriol since guess what, because I'm one of the unnumbered millions of background characters I don't deserve a say!

fuck humanity!

Luke.

 

[Bluedogone]

Okay

So you've let us know how utterly useless and awful the academic world (and all who inhabit it) are. A great way to let off steam and vent.

Weigh all this pointless, but necessary, crap against the self esteem and personal sense of accomplishment to visualize yourself as Dr. dark empathy, Ph.d

You've come this far. Might as well cross the finish line. Best wishes.

Blue

 

[traveler]

Luke -

it is a sad truth that sometimes we have to play the games that we despise in order to get by in this world. the best revenge you can achieve would be to beat them at their own game. i have seen the intelligence and depth of passion that you have for certain subjects. here's hoping and believing that you can do this and be finished with the whole sordid mess once and for all!

Lee

 

[Ceremony]

Hi dark empathy, I've been quite ill, and have thought a bit about your post.

I really like the idea of you getting that Phd. I've no academic standing myself, no connections, and know what it's like to be ignored. I don't know what it's like to be legally blind. My friend E used to hire fellow students to type up his papers. He could use a brail machine, but the University didn't have a system to translate to the papers due. I think he quit eventually, and I wish that would not happen to you, you've gone a lot farther than dear E.

I was reading a blog I look for every day, and it so happened to be about writers block. I like to free write a lot, just get stuff on paper, and maybe sift it or discard it; often it evolves into something coherent and on task. That's why I liked this quote I've just read (minutes ago), and I wanted to share it.

I believe that the so-called 'writing block' is a product of some kind of disproportion between your standards and your performance ... one should lower his standards until there is no felt threshold to go over in writing. It's easy to write. You just shouldn't have standards that inhibit you from writing ... I can imagine a person beginning to feel he's not able to write up to that standard he imagines the world has set for him. But to me that's surrealistic. The only standard I can rationally have is the standard I'm meeting right now ... You should be more willing to forgive yourself. It doesn't make any difference if you are good or bad today. The assessment of the product is something that happens after you've done it.
--William Stafford

 

[dark empathy]

Thanks yes, I needed to vent a bit. The problem basically is that I'm being put through endless hoops and no longer have faith in the establishment.
the phd thesis itself is on a redefinition of disability. I submitted it in 2013, went through a bloody intensive viva exam (even the head of department said it was one of the most intensive he'd ever seen), and was told "yeah just do some corrections and your fine!"

So I did the corrections handed the thing in in 2014 and suddenly bing! I'm failed! because guess what, the examiners completely changed their mind about what they actually bloody wanted! what was supposed to be "a few corrections" and all the positive comments I got from the previous viva suddenly went west! failed, out! do not pass go, do not collect even a masters degree (though lready have one of those).

I then had to go through an appeal process and resubmit. I also took a year off to do councilling.

Fast forward to 15 and the examiners decided to actually let me resubmit, and furnished a much huuuuuger! list of corrections. So I spent 2016 (when not getting married), basically going over everything I'd written literally sentence by sentence, word by word.

Then the original examiners told me they couldn't actually examine it (since one of them is a professor who is profoundly ill this makes sense, she even got me to write in lots of crap on definitions of illness), so we needed new examiners which meant guess what, an entirely new Viva last year!

So I go through that, and again it is generally positive, however what is the comment? "It's no longer current!"

Well of course its not fucking current given that the last time I looked at new material was in two thousand and fucking thirteen! due to all the stupid crap pratting around that the establishment has given me!

so once again I'm given a mondo huge list of books to read and these days I confess I don't care!

"disability is whatever the fucking idiots in power say it is in order to get themselves elected and stay in power!" there!

I have lost faith in the subject, generally, and even in the process of academic discourse, since I see the endless games of definition and oneupmanship.
One group say black, one side says white, then the first group say blacker, the second group say whiter. Anyone who comes to this debate anew doesn't pick a side based on who has the best arguements, but on which position actually appeals to their emotions and history, all the point of the arguements and quibbles and endless prattle about definitions does is give one side the chance to one up the other side.
And of course this all means nothing to anyone actually in a position to do! anything about practical issues, since theorise all you like, but its the big business boardrooms and campaign organisers that make the decisions based entirely upon their own self interest, academic discourse just exists for its own sake and the justification of the egotystical moronns who engage in it.

@Traveller yes, I admit I would like the phd just because I've fucking worked for it for so long. Admitedly at the moment the only major good I can see actually having one do is giving me extra powers of bull shit, since its depressing enough to see how people change their tune when you say the word "doctor"

Fortunately, I have actually got an extention to the end of June, which should give me time to go through the material so I do think I can get this done, I just fucking hate doing it and don't see that its actually worth very much.
of course one thing I would! like to do is write fiction, since that's a way I can! ssee to say something meaningful about the world and actually reach the only thing that matters in terms of motivation, people's emotions, and I don't doubt the bull shit power would be useful with the arse holes who control the publishing industry.

@Ceremony that is actually a good point, about writer's block though unfortunately in my case I need to actively pull out specific bits of what other people have written and write about them which is the annoying part since most of what other people have written is the very same niggling, self serving pointless lot of boloocks that I've seen previously, stuff I'm completely! sick off.

For example could you believe someone could write 70 page about "the disabled body" and post modernism, and not once mention that disability might, ----- mmmmm, stop someone from doing something?

The same author also argues depression doesn't exist and is just a conspiracy of drug companies (I'd love to see him! be fucking depressed).

Sorry about all of this, as I said, a large part is ranting. I do know I can! do this. Words are always something that has come easily to me, idneed I'm slightly appauled at myself since I bang out fiction reviews in sleep but am having trouble with this literary review, I! should just be better than this and able to grin and bare it.
I suspect a large part of the problem is just hwo much of a fucking mess I was in when I wrote! most of the phd, even considering the concepts tends to trigger me, which is why I really! want to move on and do something else.

Thanks for baring with me through all this.

Luke.