first timer scared crapless!

first timer scared crapless!
I believe fear is the root of all our thoughts. Look at any other trauma based condition and fear is the debilitating factor. It is so natural to feel fear, fear can make us fight or make us take flight. The more you understand your fear the more you can understand yourself.

If you are in danger, than by all means do what you need to protect yourself. Don't second guess or feel bad because others are telling you not to be. It sounds like this is where you are at this time in your life or maybe not. This are things you talk about one on one with a therapist. Us older guys have been caring around fear for so long it clouds our thoughts. Fear is good when you need it and bad when you don't.
 
ShadowKid,

I replied to your Post, but was apparently too militant in my perspective. (it was removed)

Protect yourself by all legal means available to you.

Don't hesitate in visiting here, and sharing your thoughts with other male survivors. Most of us can relate to your feelings and even if not, are here to listen to you in your time(s) of need.

Whicker
 
Hey shadow, I'm Jason. I know you're really scared right now but keep in mind that you had already stood up to him once. I couldn't imagine anything more gutwrenching than describing (in detail) in front of your perp and a whole court room what he had done to you. Not many have the courage to do that. When a situation comes if it comes, that courage will more than likely be there. Just remember what happened to him the last time he hurt you, I know he does. I'm sure he wants you to be scared. Fear is a natural reaction but don't let it control you. Fear is what kept us in the dark for so long. Take pride in what you did. Remember, you can see to it that he goes back to where he came from if he tries something. You are in control now. What helps me out in similar situations is when I'm alone, I simply say "F--K him!" over and over again with conviction. It helps me to get pissed. When I get pissed, the fear subsides temporarily. When i get mad, I almost want to run into my perp just to show him that he cant control me. (However, if you're really mad at the time, i would try to avoid him because being emotional can backfire on you). Be careful, but be confident, you came out on top last time and you were 13. Now you are 21 and are more in control of yourself than you were then. He could be the biggest toughest badass in town but, the strongest part of the body is your mind. You can always, talk and express yourself to us in this sight. You're definitely in the right place.

Jason
 
Shadow,

Please remember a few things. First, as you can see from Ken's post (he is a social worker so he knows), your perp would be in serious trouble if he tried even to contact you or come close to you. Cowards may like to make threats from prison, but usually they do not relish the idea of returning to prison.

Another thing, bro, is that you are remembering how things were when you were 13 and a terrified boy. You are an adult now, and there are a lot of resources at your disposal. If you feel frightened that is normal, but don't let him get any clue of that. Talk to us here, to friends you trust, and make sure you have the name, address, and contact details for the prosecutor who handled his case and his parole officer.

Do you see what he is trying to do, by the way? He is trying to get his kicks through control and intimidation, which is what abuse is really all about. If he thinks this effort is failing he may simply lose interest. But if you have any fears or insecurities, let the relevant authorities know right away.

Much love,
Larry
 
i wish i had people around when i was 13 sure could have used some advice back then .after 10 years of being told to never talk about it ,to be ashamed of it i found a place where i can talk and people will listen !! i'm amazed .thanks so much for showing me i'm not the only one like this.i have contacted the people who put him in jail but they say if he don't break parole they can't touch him ,he has rights you know!!!i have been trying to post my story on that forum ,if you read it you will understand my fear ,this man owned me heart and soul ,i gave up completly to him to stay alive ,he broke my mind and he still has the key to my soul . shadow
 
Shadow,

I know how you feel bro. But there is so MUCH difference between you then and you now, and part of that is you don't have to stay silent and feel ashamed any longer. Yes, your perp has rights, but so do you. If he crosses the line even a bit he is in DEEP shit.

Much love,
Larry
 
Originally posted by shadowkid:
i;m not too sure how this works ,but i'm shadow and i sure could use some help ,i think most of my problem right now is how much our courts let me down .i put him away ,now he is out and he is going to get me ,i just know it .if anyone asked me if they should prosecute someone my advice would be NO. i'm 21 now ,i was 13 when he went to jail .if anybody wants to talk please let me know shadow
Click to expand...
I sit here in a warmish room some 1500 miles from where my abuse took place, which was in San Antonio, Texas. I do not see myself visiting that town again. Am I afraid of meeting my perpetrators again? Quite possibly. I never turned them in; to this day they could be free as birds, free to do to other children what they did to me. Or, they could've stopped and now live perfectly moral lives. Perhaps one of their victims - aye, even their own children - may have turned them in, or they've been busted in some sort of sting operation and are now languishing in prison. But I wouldn't know. They could still be 1500 miles away. They could live two streets over. -I don't know-. Should I make an effort to find out? Do I have to confront them? I don't think it's necessary, I don't believe it would accomplish anything, and there are reasons I feel that way that are particular to my situation. But whatever the situation, I don't think you HAVE to confront, if you don't want to. And if that ends up meaning NEVER confronting, that's fine. As it stands, I think you've done your "confronting" already; there's no need for any more.

You see people here talking about parole officers and restraining orders; it's good advice, but down inside you don't really believe they'll work, do you? They're the wares of a system which, in your personal experience, isn't particularly trustworthy. And anonymous names on a website probably don't outrank your personal experience. So you remain uncertain.

If I may offer a suggestion, do not overlook JapanZen's very powerful advice. If you feel unsafe - if the paperwork doesn't convince you, if the locks don't look very sturdy suddenly - there is nothing wrong with seeking shelter elsewhere. Perhaps moving to Japan is a bit too extreme for you - but go as far as you think you need to, be it a friend's house or Aunt Ella's in Reno. Drop out of sight and set up on your own somewhere - it CAN be done. It's not a matter of "courage" or "standing your ground". It's not "letting him win", it's not "living in fear". It's about security and peace of mind. And however far you go in your recovery (should you choose to recover), the one thing that is certain is that you won't go anywhere as long as you're constantly looking over your shoulder.

Wherever you go, I hope that you will return here. Take some time and read. You won't find a story exactly like yours here - and you won't need to; you'll still be able to relate. No two stories here are the same, and yet they are all the same. We each stand in our own little back-alleys, but they all branch off the same street. And having been down that same street is what allows us to trust each other with things we can't trust anybody else with.
 
Shadow

There is alot of advice posted above. Some I agree with and some I don't but who am I to tell you that. who knows? the advice I think stinks may be the best for you. You have a whole truck load or replies to your post. To me, that means that the people here love you. We care because we too have been victomized. We have felt the fear and pain, the anger and frustration. No human should ever have to walk this road but here we are.

Don't be amazed that we talk to you. We come here because we also need help. We also come here because it is a place were we can help each other.

Anyway, you are the one to to decide what is right for you. Go in confidence my friend. Keep us posted, we will reply.

Hang in there my friend

Darrel
 
We all speak from our personal experiences, and they might differ from yours verily. So naturally, our opinions would be tinted by our individual life experiences and some advices would be biased by our unfinished emotional businesses.

So you may do what I did, read every one's advice, but followed my own inner voice.

One more thing, I would rather have you strong and free, rather than follow my advice. So I would rather have you get lost four times, and make your own way than follow my way. Because in the end your way is your and mine way is mine. Though your goal is mine.

It might make me feel good for while that you followed MY advise but in the end whats best for you, only God knows and you.
 
Just "hangin' in there" with you.
Our conflicting suggestions, above, may be confusing and even possibly unhelpful in the aggregate; but, individually, they do represent the thoughts of each caring, supportive individual man here who each only wants for you to be strong, happy and safe. Do what you have to do; trust your gut at least as much as you trust your head; stay in touch.
Love, etc.,
 
Shadow

it's funny but i talked about everything with the police ,i told all in court ,but it made me feel worse not better .does talking about it really help?
Click to expand...
Talking about this realy does help.
I am so angery with the system and how they have treated you.

You shoul;d of been given professional help back when you told at the age of 13. What the system did to you was a direct violeantion of your rights. The court should of given you the help of professional Therapy as so as the court case was over.

They should of never dropped the sexual abuse charges againest him. Now he doesn't even have to register as a SEX Ofender

I think that the state should have to pay for all the professional help you need now. I would try to look for a ADVCATE to work for you all all these issues.

See if there is a Victims Advcate in your state that can help you.

You have lots of rights and most of them where violented by the system.

If i can be of any help let me know.

You went through a hellish experence as a kid and the grownups that should of helped failed you in every way popssible.
Be Strong and let all your brother here up you on your HEALING jourany.
Tom
 
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