First post

[Larry Mullen]

I found this site by accident. But hopefully I have finally found somewhere for help. Even though the years have past and my perpurtrator was put and died in jail, the demons in my head are very much alive and working on me. I was traumatized as a little kid by my alcoholic father and them molested by my teacher when I was 12 years old until I finally got away from him at age 19. God knows how many times he used me but I know it was an everyday thing. The control and manipulation he had over me was unimaginable. When I finally got away from him, I anesthisized myself to forget. Little did I know the damage I was doing to myself. At 43 years old I finally got sober only to recall the trauma. That's when the real pain I still suffer began. This bastard was still teaching and still abusing young boys. We came forward(12 of the victims) and he was sentenced to life in prison where he died, just a couple of years later. Not long enough. All he did was quit taking the medication he needed to keep him alive. So he really committed suicide. Lucky bastard. The solicitor predicted he abused more than 500 boys in my city, several of them commiting suicide. At the moment I feel possessed, the thoughts in my head very much alive. I hate myself and everything else and really have no reason to live. I am broke, have no children, and have to battle day to day to survive. At least I own my home, but it needs 10K in repairs. I am disabled, cannot work and live on $1600.00 a month. I have been in and out of therapy all my life, getting no answers to help me. It seems everyone has abandoned me and think the abuse is a reason I use for sympathy. "Larry, it's been so long ago, you should be over this by now." If only they knew. My best friend had a son and named me his son's godfather. He said he couldn't think of a better person to name. After all this came out in the press, he keeps my Godson away from me, from the time he turned 11 until today, where he is now 16. Talk about hurt!! I am dealing with demons in my head and they are winning. I need so much help. I hope finally. Male Survivor can help me. Nothing else has.

 

[KMCINVA]

Larry

It took courage to face the abuser. It is sad over 500 boys were hurt. It makes me wonder how many my abuser hurt. I know of several but then there are the silent ones, those that suffer in silence and those who are no longer here with us. I know one either died from a drug overdose and others say it was suicide.

The abuse leaves you with a hollow shell, which can only be rebuilt with love and care for yourself and from others. Unfortunately, many of the victims find their way into abusive, hostile or numbing environments which only compound the feelings. You have found your way here, and it is your time to reclaim your life, the one you deserve. Take your time, share when you are comfortable, vent whenever (and I have done more than my share of it), PM someone you feel a connection, join chat room if that works for you.

Remember we all differently and at our own pace.

I am sorry your friend has taken your godson from you. It is just ignorance on your friend's side. People are afraid of CSA and do not understand it, but believe they do understand it. They believe the myths and do not understand the emotion and psychological damage it does nor do they have a clue on what science is uncovering about trauma, PTSD, dissociation and other facets of abuse. You cannot change the mind of those whose minds as so closed and cannot accept change. I hope one day your friend opens his mind and hopefully when your godchild turns 18 he will seek you out. I hope for a happy ending with your godson.

Take care and heal well. We are here for you

Kevin

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[LinEar]

I am sorry that you've been hurt so badly

 

[victor-victim]

first of all, welcome to malesurvivor.org, Larry.

your story really hit me hard.
especially [quote:Larry Mullen] It seems everyone has abandoned me and think the abuse is a reason I use for sympathy. "Larry, it's been so long ago, you should be over this by now."[/quote]
which just about triggered the tears.

the same thing happens to me, and it drives me furious!

some people, including my parents, think this is all some kind of an act. some folks think i am dangerous.

it all adds up to a lonely existence
when other people keep their distance.


cheers.
hope you find some healing here.

thanks for your courage.

 

[Nothing Man]

Hello Larry. I hope you find some peace and succor here at MS.

Your story resonated with me because I too had to fight for sobriety after a tumultuous life which emerged from childhood sexual abuse -- in my case, by a male babysitter and by my mother. The feelings you have -- self-hatred, anger, fear -- are all typical in us survivors. One of the hardest things to do is to absolve yourself of any guilt in the abuse which was done to you. The abuse did not just happen, it was the result of someone's conscious choice to harm you. The abuser is at fault, not you.

Someone wise here on MS once told me that children can never consent, they can only comply. I think understanding that difference is key. You were mentally and physically incapable of consenting to the abuser's demands. You may have complied, but that does not mean you consented. That difference places all the blame fully on the abuser.

One of the things I have done for my own healing, which is still a work in progress, was to see a psychiatrist to get medical help with my extreme depression, get sober, see a therapist who specializes in adult survivors of CSA, and to be active here on MS. I can honestly say that I am better. Still fractured, but better, and that is important. You can find that healing as well as you tell your truth and learn to stand up for yourself. You deserve it and I hope you can find it.

Good luck and welcome.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi Larry, welcome

I'm glad you've arrived here, and will find this a safe place that can be an oasis in the desert of your life. As you know too well, the teacher left a trail of devastation and ruin for you to spend the rest of your life cleaning up the mess. You are certainly courageous to face this head on. I hope you can find some of the resources here will be helpful in this long journey.

I've been disabled a few years so I know it's doubly hard to deal with the demons of abuse on top of that. I hope you can take just one day at a time, and know you're not alone, and life IS worth living, and there are some answers, and we can seek them together. My prayer is that you will be able to re-connect with your Godson, and be able to find the good things in life that you deserve.

Best wishes, and peace.

CJ

 

[woodenshoes]

Larry

Welcome to M.S. There are great people here. You are more than welcome to talk to any of us when you need support. It is a tragedy that we need to come to a place like this for help and support. Be glad you found it as we all want the same outcome. To heal from what was done to us as a child.

Woodenshoes

 

[Shyshark]

Hi Larry

Welcome to MS ...
I'm so sorry it took so long for you to find us.

You may feel that you have finally 'Arrived' ...
and you have ...
but MS is much more than just a destination.
Here there is a new path to follow ...
a path you no longer have to walk alone.

I'm glad you're here.

Sharky

 

[Dolphinboy]

Hi Larry
I also found this site by accident. Here you will certainly meet others who understand you and know what it feels like when the realization kicks in that what you (we) endured was certainly not a normal part of growing up. Control over us and manipulation can be confirmed by almost all on this site. I know what it feels like when family members shun you just because you are closely related (brother) to an abuser. This might seem to be a feeble attempt at help, but my first word of advise to you would be to feel kindness. Kindness to yourself and kindness to ordinary people you meet from day to day.
Let this be the start of your journey to recovery.
Good luck Larry and hang in there, we are here for you.