First Post

First Post
J

Jay Bee

Registrant
For the past 15 or so years I had convinced myself I had no need of him. I absolutely wanted to have nothing to do with him, considered him weak and a mama's boy and too pretty and innocent for his own good. I did nor care enough about him to hug him, show him how to laugh again, give him the strength and courage to cry, appreciate the gifts he has instilled in my soul. I did not want to look at his face or see what was in his eyes. I no longer call myself by his name, have no pictures of him, no possessions of his, rarely talk about him in any way shape or form. I don't even know that much about him. I know he is about nine years old and , at one time, possessed so much joy. Then he fell into some sort of abyss where I refuse to revisit. I can talk about specific things that happened but I am never there. I am here trying to make it without him, feeling nothing towards him but something inside me feels I am doing him and ultimately myself a great disservice. I have tried to cry, get angry, scream, throw things, for him but nothing comes out. I think I need him back in my life again. So. I am here just getting a feel of things, seeing how things are done. Maybe he will talk, maybe not. I will try to give him some stretching room and see what happens.

My sister suspects his existence but my parents have no clue.

That is all for now
Many Brave Souls here

Jay Bee
 
Jay Bee,

Welcome to Male Survivor. You have chosen a kind of unique way to introduce yourself, but that's fine. You are welcome here and we will all try to support you.

You already have a keen insight into what you need to do, I think:

I am here just getting a feel of things, seeing how things are done. Maybe he will talk, maybe not.
Click to expand...
That's exactly it. Just ease your way into the site, and I bet you will be surprised how quickly the little guy is willing to talk. All he needs is for you to assure him you will keep him safe. The bad times are over.

Much love,
Larry
 
Jay Bee,

Welcome to this place. I hope you can find him. You need him and he needs you. We'll try to be the kind of support you need. You've taken on an honorable task, and you have our admiration. You have it because we are on the same quest. Perhaps we're each in a somewhat different place in the journey, but we're traveling this path together.

Lots of love,

John
 
Jay Bee,

Welcome to MS. When I first started seeing a therapist, the way I described how I felt now about the child I was is to say that I felt like he was dead. That child doesn't exist any more, and it's like I'm mourning my own child some how. Grief. I have turned that around somewhat in the last couple of years, but it has taken a lot of work. I hope you can find some healing as well.
 
Glad to have you here Jay Bee, loved your post, very unique but also inspiring regarding the inner child connection. Keep posting, and welcome to MS. Everyone here is very kind and helpful and most importantly understanding.
 
OOPS, guys, sorry about that. I watched this movie on cable that triggered that response in me and, having not really tapped into that part of me before in a LOOOOONG time, I just decided to go with it and see what happens.

Now, as to me, I am in my thirties, African - American, and gay with the sexual abuse starting at about around 10 years old or so. I have no faces in my head of my first abusers though I remember there were two of them. This past Father's Day, I actuall had an interesting talk with my sister. I was telling her how much I appreciated our parents, especially our Dad as all he and my Mom tried to do was love us, nurture us, raise us to be productive members of society, and instill goodness in us. I can't complain much there. Anyway, I said something like, at least, within the family, awful things didn't happen to which she asked, as opposed to when and where DID awful things happen.

So I talked a little about the abuse and apparently I had confided in her on anumber of occasions as to what was going on when we were both children but I always expressed it in dream sequence fashion so she just took it as as nightmares not steeped in any type of reality. She felt hurt that these things actually happened.

She asked why I never told my parents. I think it was I felt responsible for the abuse. Not in the sense, I was to blame but like it was meant to be my cross to bear. I want them to leave this world feeling like they did a pretty good job not miserable for doing their best and yet not being able to protect me from some very bad things happening to me anyway.

So far, I have not seen a therapist or anything, mainly out of fear of how to explain to my parents. Aside from the abuse, there is not much I keep from them still and we live in the same city so I see them practically every week.

Anyway, that is it for now. Thanks for the support.
 
Jay Bee,

Welcome to Male Survivor and I hope you will ease into the site and gradually see how much good it can do for you.

ALL those feelings you mention are so normal for a survivor bro, so don't allow yourself to feel guilty or ashamed about any of them. SO many boys feel they were to blame for the abuse or were guilty because they "liked it". And fear is a huge impediment to moving forward in recovery. It all seems so terrifying and daunting.

I know there is a lot you need to talk about and I hope that will come in time. But for now, just remember this: it can never be the kid's fault, regardless of what your feelings and memories are. You did nothing wrong. You were tricked and used, and that was not your fault.

I have to tell you that a therapist is THE way to go, but no one here will hound you about that. You have to find your own way. Everyone here will support you and understand you, but no one will try to drag you to something that isn't for you.

Much love,
Larry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top