First post (long post) (Triggers)

[luckywitness]

Help. Please dear god help me. I am so lost...so down ...so broken...I cant see a way to recover ...ever.

FIrst off I have been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have been in and out of mental hospitals since i was 19. Last time i was in the emergency room trying to get help i heard the doctors and nurses talking about how i had been to that emergency room 16 times.

I have been in state hospitals about 5 times ...and other hospital emergency rooms ..to many to count or remember.

Anyways now that i have told you the discrediting things that are mandatory to help you have reasons to dislike me from the start I can move ahead alittle.

I need help. Help me from myself as i seem to be the master of my own destruction. ALthough I dont think i want to be ...but to be honest I need to recover...I need to put aside my being scared cause i am scared....im terrified i cant recover....Im just plain scared.

Not focusing on the mental illness or anything..

Most of my adult life I have felt that i was asleep. Like the world really wasnt real. Like it was plastic. It held movie quality. Dream like.

Now i didnt feel this way all the time it would come and go. I remember feeling that someone would come along and wake me up at any moment and I would be aware of what was really going on. Kind of matrix ish ...but i assure I was having these feelings way before that movie came out.

Anyways Last winter during december I was listening to a copy of eminem's cd Encore for the first time. Im not a big fan of eminem ...the main reason i wanted to listen to it was because I find him funny...kind of giving the finger to the world kind of funny.

Anyways As i listened a song came on called yellow brick road.

the lyrics started...

"Aight c'mon, let's cut the bullshit enough, let's get it started
Let's start addressin this issue and open it up
Let's take this shit back to the basement..."

When he said "Let's take this shit back to the basement"

I was floored ...it came rushing back to me bad stuff happened in the basement. Its like I had forgotten.. forgotten or chose to not think about.

Now as early as age 4 i remember thinking about killing myself...

I had done something bad, and i was afraid my parents would find out and i didnt want to be punished and i remember standing in the kitchen with a butcher knife pointed against my stomach and trying my best to hurt myself..I was 4

Its funny later own in my teens years I I did the same thing again...I was bringing home a bad report card. My father would be home soon..I knew i was goingto be punished..so I shot my self full of my fathers insulin(my father was a diabetic) in order hopefully kill myself i was scared of what he was going to do to me. I know my mom found out and took me the emergency room and i was in the hospital for a few days...none of my family came to see me until i was discharged..a nurse was kind to me and bought me a coke from a vending machine. I dont really remember the doctors saying anything or what i said to them.

anyways my mind is wondering as I write this kind of hard to focus. thanx for coming this far.

I asked for help...and the main reasonI joined this forum it because i feel trapped.

my current condition.

I am 29 years old. I have been on disability benefits for 10 years just about. During my mentalillness I have destroyed my finances my credit. Burned many bridges with anyone I can remember. Almost every hospital in my area has delt with me at one point or another. CurrentlyI see a psychiatrist about every three months next time in october.

I have done drugs from inhalents to acid at various times in my childhood...from age 7 being the earliest i remember inhaling gas fumes not really understanding at the time why i liked it.

all the way up to last year...last year i ordered some supposed natural high capsules over the internet.

Mind you i have never takeing drugs like on a daily bases....not even a weekly bases or monthly.

During my teen years I smoked some pot ...the drug i used most though was over the counter cough medicine. I took heavy doses of it to get the effect from it. It was very disassociating.

I dont do drugs now. I dont have any desire to do them.

Now I have gotten another way to help forget. I play pc games. I sit at this computer for many many hours doing nothing but playing pc games.

Sometimes its two weeks before I come out of this apartment.

I am over weight being 6,3 and about 292 lbs last time i went to the psych doctor.

I am pretty depressed...I eat alot..I feel better when i eat. short lived as that may be.

I have access to a public mental health community center. Thats where I see my psych doc. A couple of times They have put me with therapists ...and well to be honest both of them were older at least over 50. I only went to them one time each. I didnt like them..they didnt seem to really care about me ...I felt like comminity center just pawned me off on them.It was the gutt feeling in me ...the one that learned to read expressions as a kid and walk softly that gave me that feeling. Needless to say i didnt go back.

SO being aware that bad things had happened to me I sought another therapist...I paid for this one 30 bucks a visit. I felt this person actually cared about helping me get better. I thought i cared to.

I saw her for a month and a week ...weekly. As we talked and she urged me to cut back on my computer time and help me realize i was using the computer as a escape tool.

Well considering I get $570 dollars a month to live on ..and it was 30 dollars a visit. And i felt really pressured to stop gaming on the computer...

I just didint show up for a visit...and when she called I told her it was financial problem. it kind of was..but it was also my belief that i cant recover and that im doomed to live like this for ever till i die.

Also ...I think i might be trying to kill my self by not making any healthy food choices. The thought being I dont really want to live like this for another 40 years or so. If i have a heart attack it may hurt ...but it will do what Im to cowardly to do. (I am not suicidal right now)

If you have come this far I am greatful. I am sorry my thoughts are a bit spread or jumping from here to there.

So I dont really have the money to see a therapist like I need to. And the therapist offered at the local mental health center really really are not for me..atleast the two that i was offered.

I have medicaid and medicare ..which are the disability standards in alabama.

As i have written this i have scrolled up a few times to reread what i wrote now i kind of feel like i need to talk about why i am writing this post in this forum.

Some of the bad things that happened to me kind of focus in and focus out in my memory. I can say nothing for sure ...as i have a mental illness and have been delusional before..

But you know what I am not delusional right now...I am not out of my mind. I am hurting and I feeling hopeful..because I found this forum.

My Father...really my step father. hurt me badly in the basement. I was humiliated ..dehumanized treated worse than the family dog. Im not going to get into a ton of details....but i remember bits ...and somethings are solid memories.

I have mentioned these things to my mother and she replys that I make up stuff and start to believe what ever it is im thinking.

Sometimes I wonder if she is right. I have lost my sanity many times into dellusions. But I am sober minded right now. I have been sober minded since december ...when i felt I was woke up by that little verse in a song ...and the word basement.

Since december I had little victory's such as paying to see that therapist. Then I had crushing defeats by abandoning my therapy.

my funds are limited...I feel like a fake when I talk to psychiatrists or any mental health worker.

I wish i had someone to talk to. someone thats not my girlfriend. I wish i knew someone right now i could get dressed and go sit down with and just talk.

I dont know anyone. I dont have any friends in real life. I do have a girlfriend that lives in the apartment with me.. But you know what I think something is wrong with her...because she loves me.

Even if there was a person out there. That i could go talk to right now. Thats not how the world works. No one has time to sit and listen to a grown 29 year old man talk about how bad it was how bad it has been. IF they did they would want money for it. Cause time is money.

So what do I do. I know right now I could load up World of warcraft pc game start playing it all forget for another little while.

But i dont want to do that right now. I am angry. I feel alive thinking about this. I have hope that someone on this forum will respond. Some how I can communicate with one of you ..and you might just understand or just say anything.

I am broken...looking up for help. my god i hurt.

anyways this post is long and im greatful you read this far . Ill stop here. I have alot i want to say but i dont want to over step my bounds or in anyway trample on the rules of this forum.

I just found it today

thanx for your time

Luckywitness

 

[reality2k4]

Luckywitness,

Welcome to the site, I have not read your story because it contains triggers, but thanks for alerting guys here.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for,

ste

 

[RICK57]

Luckywitness - I read all of your post. It must have been a tremendous relief to write all of that down here.

I don't know about insurances in your country (I'm from England UK) - I have found that things are a little slow on this side of the Atlantic when we seek help.

I believe that you will find a lot of support here that maay help you on the road to recovery.

*It's sometimes a bit slow on a weekend here, so don't think that people here are ignoring you.

Feel free to say whatever you want to - if you don't want to say anything, that's ok too.

Best wishes ...Rik

 

[Leosha]

Luckywitness,

I think you have a lot going for you. Just in your first post, I can see that you have intelligence, humor, reasonability and apparantly more positive qualities to have a girlfriend who loves you (sometime I question the sanity of my own also, you are not alone with that).

You are facing issues of the past in starts and stops. And it is quite likely that once somethign starts feeling better, like the therapist you were seeing, then we become afraid of it, like we do not deserve it, and we are quite gifted with 'self sabotaging'.

My suggestions? I would try again with the therapist that you felt actually was help to you. Perhaps she can see you on a sliding fee scale that would put it at less then what you were paying? Or, instead of weekly, you could perhaps see her twice a month, or even monthly. If it is something that was positive for you, it is worth pursuing further.

Also, there is a 'bookstore' at this site. There are different books listed there about healing from such abuses. I know that your money is limited. But perhaps you take a few titles out of the library, or have your girlfriend do it for you?

Rather then the PC games, which is distracting you from the real world, perhaps being part of the 'real world' would be better. Before turning on the computer for a game, perhaps take a walk. Just once, each day, leave the apartment, and walk for one block, for ten minutes, whatever you can. View the people and nature around you, and understand that you ARE a part of that, and actively choosing to be a part of that, right now. When I have gotten into severe depressions, few times the last two years, I curl up on my bed, and have no contact with the outside world, for days. No television, phone, computer, radio, whatever. It certainly is not conducive to feeling better.

One other suggestion, come back here. You have found a place where people will not judge you based on whatever was done to you, what you look like, how much money you have, where or how you live. There is all these public boards here to read and post on that cost nothing. There is a chat room (I think the best time to find someone in there to talk is evening, like after 7 or 8 eastern time). There are lots of articles worth reading. There are friends to be made. You do not need to be alone with your issues unless you choose to be. I credit your courage in reaching out to us here, and I welcome you.

Leosha

 

[Mystic Rhythm]

Hello Luckywitness.

I too have read your entire post and echo Leosha's praise of your courage in making that first crucial step. I found this site near the end of July and I read up a lot on other people's stories and finally found the courage to register and post about a month later. Since then, it just got easier and easier to share with this community of wonderful people. I still have a lot to tell and a lot to do for my part, but making that scary first step is probably the most courageous of all.

Best advice I've been given is to take your time reading other posts and allow yourself to feel comfortable. Once you reach that comfort zone here, just watch how the emotions and the words flow freely. Quite liberating.

MR

 

[Sinking]

I feel alive thinking about this.

Good for you and welcome to this community of caring, understanding people who have survived the worst of the worst.

I too read your entire post. Thank you for sharing. I hope letting it out has given you some relief.

I understand your financial issues and hesitancy in following through with your therapy. First let me congratulate you on seeking and initiating therapy. That's a huge step. Those in public service, like the community therapists you saw, usually are overburdened and don't have the resources to do their job as best they can. I'd like to suggest that you contact your local rape crisis center. The people who work at those places have a very good understanding of what survivors have to live with. They have good resources that are specific to our needs. I called a rape crisis center at the beginning of my recovery and was allowed to visit with the counselor every week, once a week for as long as I wanted and it was completely free. I went there for 6 months while I was in the midst of my breakdown (for lack of a better word) and then was referred to a therapist after my counselor and I decided it was time to move on. If you need help finding contact information, let me know and I will see what I can do. But it literally saved my life to call that number. It was a year and a half ago and I have made tremendous strides in recovery and healing. It might just be the call that you make that changes everything.

Keep coming back and talking. You'll find great support and understanding here. Best of luck to you. Peace - John

 

[roadrunner]

Lucky,

We had a chance to talk in the chat room the other evening, so a lot of what you have here I knew from our discussion. I'm glad you put together that long post; talking about your issues is a major first step toward dealing with them.

There isn't any fast solution of course. It all took time to get this bad, and it will take time to restore some sense of order and equilibrium. But here you will find guys who will listen to you and talk to you and not judge you. My own experience is that this makes a lot of difference!

Leosha has a great idea I think. Try to get away from the PC games if you can. These things are great when they are fun, but when they distract us from the real world then they only make everything more difficult.

Take care,
Larry

 

[Grobut]

Oi LW.

Well, i can only echo alot of what you are saing.. i am diagnosed with Schizotypical Personality Disorder, and that "plastic world" thing really rings true for me, some days i feel the whole world is just like a movie set, made from carboard, and that if i was to pick up a rock and toss it at a building, it would crash through the thin wall revealing the real world behind it, its all fake, other times my perception of the world is just off.. like feeling that i am a giant, and the world has shrunk, or the opposide, that i have shrunk and the world is HUGE!

I also use the cumputer for escape, mostly because i am paranoid and scared shitless of the outside world, i have the wildest fantasies of the horrible things that are just waiting to happen to me if i step outside that door.. needless to say i dont get out much either.

Destroying freindships, yup, pushing people away, yup, ohh how thouse bridges all crashed and burned, hand me some more napalm and semtex please.

Suicide, hell yes, my weapon of choice was starvation, i remember having thouse thoughts since 8, which was the same timeframe i got abused.

I could go on, but apart from the.. err, not so optimal mental situation, i would just be echoing what everyone else is saying pertaining to the abuse you suffered.

But you sir, are definately not alone! and welcome to MS.

 

[Bobby]

Lucky, I am always amazed at the bravery of those who post here and at the wisdom of those who answer those posts. I can add nothing more to the advice that has been given, but can add my welcome and tell you to keep writing your thoughts here. Someone is always here to listen and no stones will be thrown here. Sometimes just saying it and knowing that someone is hearing you is so very important. Don't hesitate to say it. Someone here really wants to hear you. Bobby

 

[alexey]

luckywitness, I am sorry life has been so hard for you. You are on this site, and I feel sadness as I read your post. I know what the cartoon world looks like, and what the difficulty focusing on every day events is.


Welcome. You are on the right track being here.

Alexey