First post, anthology [triggers]
Long Way Home
Registrant
Hi.
I have been lurking on this site for years. I didn't register because I got triggered so much.
I guess I have "evolved enough to where this is not as much of a problem, so here I am.
I grew up in a dysfunctional upper middleclass family. I have mild aspergers syndrome.
My fater was emotionally unavailable,
my mother was a good mother, but she had issues of her own. My parents and my older sister
always fought, all the time. She had MS, and the mental symptoms were present long before the
physical problems surfaced. I was abused long before the first time she hit on me.
I think the first time I was molested, I had to be around 3, maybe 4. We were all staying
at someones house from our church and they put me in bed with a boy who had been
sexualized somehow. I don't remember much at all about what happened, but the next
morning he was really worried. He asked if I remembered "what happened last night" and
I said no. He said "good." I asked him if we could do it again, so I could
find out what it was he didn't want me to remember and he said, "I might get in trouble."
When I was six, a neighbor boy kept trying to compare private parts with me. Then, that
year, I went to "church camp" for the first time. There were boys running around
witn erections out, and another boy that kept saying "s***k my d***k for a quarter.
It was crazy. I was excited and scared at the same time. Finally, there was a man who
waited for me in the shower room. He was nude and I walked in and said sorry. He
called me back and said that it was ok. He just stood there displaying himself. Then he
asked me if I wanted to touch him. I said no. Later he asked if I wanted to go out
into the woods with him.
When I was going into the 4th grade, I had a friend who I wanted us to feel each other
up. We did, but it never went further than that, though we did it many times.
I met another friend a year later, and I don't remember how it started, but we ended
up engaging in oral sex for about two years, then he moved away.
I don't know what was up with this town I lived in, but there was a long string of
boys who wanted to have sex with me after that for years, but I mostly turned them
down, but the damage was done. Somewhere along the line, my sister hit on me. I suspect
that she sneaked into my room on a few nights, but I was never completely awake, so I
cant be sure.
Along the way, I also made a friend that was beign molested by his uncle. I guess I was\
around 8. He always had really nice cloths and things, but was clearly not a happy kid. I
Don't have any idea what made me ask him this, but I asked him out of the blue, if his
uncle ever "messed around with him." I think it might be becuase we were checking
each other out in the bathroom. He said yes. I asked him if it felt good, and he
nodded yes. Then I asked him if he liked it. He quickly shook his head no.
I felt really bad for him. It should have dawned on me long before that moment, but
I understood then, that this was all wrong.
At 14 some dude picked me up and we went to the restroom in a department store. Another man
picked me up around the same time, and took photos. At 15 I had a short affair with my
mother's hairdresser, and was penetrated on my 16th birthday for the firt time.
This was all during the 60/70/80s. I was totally sexualized and wanted more at that
point. I smoked weed or drank when I could get it. I loved the attention I was getting
from these men. They were just using me, but I had never gotten any attention from men
before.
Back then, porno bookstores let teens in to attract older men who spent money on peep shows.
At 18 we moved to the big city, and I hit the bookstores for sex every chance I had.
It was slowly killing me. I had a woman who tried to convert me, who was a pothead. She was
very manipulative. I am sure aspergers didn't help me navigate all of this.
She got knocked up and wanted me to marry her, and I was just a kid. Everyone freaked
out. Everything came out, except for my childhood abuse. I insisted that she have
an abortion. I found out she had done this to another guy like me and he had killed
himself. Her best friend told me this one night when we got stoned after a poker game.
She had the abortion, and I felt like a murderer, even though I had been manipulated
by this potheaded twisted "Mrs. Robinson." I started going to gay bars alot, and then
met this guy who was so nice. I fell in love and then he dumped me.
After that, I went down hill. Life became a discotech. I would get drunk, sometimes
go home with someone, and sometimes pass out with strangers. On one such night I was raped.
I did not like being a "bottom" and this guy was huge. I woke up, and tried to
fight him off, but I was just too drunk.
I left the big city and moved into the country. I moved back in with my folks
and tried to make some sort of life. I was a mess, and so lonely. What followed that
was a long line of thearapists, a few boyfriends and lots of strangers. I finally
gave up therapy when I discovered my therapist was getting off on my abuse and
my other "experiences."
I have matured of course since then. I still fight masturbation, and the temptation
to look at porn every day. I totally celebent other than that. I live with a guy
as a brother, we love and support each other, but no sex. My faith is the only
thing that has saved me. Without it, I would surely be dead by now. God is good,
but the abuse ruined my life.
I have been lurking on this site for years. I didn't register because I got triggered so much.
I guess I have "evolved enough to where this is not as much of a problem, so here I am.
I grew up in a dysfunctional upper middleclass family. I have mild aspergers syndrome.
My fater was emotionally unavailable,
my mother was a good mother, but she had issues of her own. My parents and my older sister
always fought, all the time. She had MS, and the mental symptoms were present long before the
physical problems surfaced. I was abused long before the first time she hit on me.
I think the first time I was molested, I had to be around 3, maybe 4. We were all staying
at someones house from our church and they put me in bed with a boy who had been
sexualized somehow. I don't remember much at all about what happened, but the next
morning he was really worried. He asked if I remembered "what happened last night" and
I said no. He said "good." I asked him if we could do it again, so I could
find out what it was he didn't want me to remember and he said, "I might get in trouble."
When I was six, a neighbor boy kept trying to compare private parts with me. Then, that
year, I went to "church camp" for the first time. There were boys running around
witn erections out, and another boy that kept saying "s***k my d***k for a quarter.
It was crazy. I was excited and scared at the same time. Finally, there was a man who
waited for me in the shower room. He was nude and I walked in and said sorry. He
called me back and said that it was ok. He just stood there displaying himself. Then he
asked me if I wanted to touch him. I said no. Later he asked if I wanted to go out
into the woods with him.
When I was going into the 4th grade, I had a friend who I wanted us to feel each other
up. We did, but it never went further than that, though we did it many times.
I met another friend a year later, and I don't remember how it started, but we ended
up engaging in oral sex for about two years, then he moved away.
I don't know what was up with this town I lived in, but there was a long string of
boys who wanted to have sex with me after that for years, but I mostly turned them
down, but the damage was done. Somewhere along the line, my sister hit on me. I suspect
that she sneaked into my room on a few nights, but I was never completely awake, so I
cant be sure.
Along the way, I also made a friend that was beign molested by his uncle. I guess I was\
around 8. He always had really nice cloths and things, but was clearly not a happy kid. I
Don't have any idea what made me ask him this, but I asked him out of the blue, if his
uncle ever "messed around with him." I think it might be becuase we were checking
each other out in the bathroom. He said yes. I asked him if it felt good, and he
nodded yes. Then I asked him if he liked it. He quickly shook his head no.
I felt really bad for him. It should have dawned on me long before that moment, but
I understood then, that this was all wrong.
At 14 some dude picked me up and we went to the restroom in a department store. Another man
picked me up around the same time, and took photos. At 15 I had a short affair with my
mother's hairdresser, and was penetrated on my 16th birthday for the firt time.
This was all during the 60/70/80s. I was totally sexualized and wanted more at that
point. I smoked weed or drank when I could get it. I loved the attention I was getting
from these men. They were just using me, but I had never gotten any attention from men
before.
Back then, porno bookstores let teens in to attract older men who spent money on peep shows.
At 18 we moved to the big city, and I hit the bookstores for sex every chance I had.
It was slowly killing me. I had a woman who tried to convert me, who was a pothead. She was
very manipulative. I am sure aspergers didn't help me navigate all of this.
She got knocked up and wanted me to marry her, and I was just a kid. Everyone freaked
out. Everything came out, except for my childhood abuse. I insisted that she have
an abortion. I found out she had done this to another guy like me and he had killed
himself. Her best friend told me this one night when we got stoned after a poker game.
She had the abortion, and I felt like a murderer, even though I had been manipulated
by this potheaded twisted "Mrs. Robinson." I started going to gay bars alot, and then
met this guy who was so nice. I fell in love and then he dumped me.
After that, I went down hill. Life became a discotech. I would get drunk, sometimes
go home with someone, and sometimes pass out with strangers. On one such night I was raped.
I did not like being a "bottom" and this guy was huge. I woke up, and tried to
fight him off, but I was just too drunk.
I left the big city and moved into the country. I moved back in with my folks
and tried to make some sort of life. I was a mess, and so lonely. What followed that
was a long line of thearapists, a few boyfriends and lots of strangers. I finally
gave up therapy when I discovered my therapist was getting off on my abuse and
my other "experiences."
I have matured of course since then. I still fight masturbation, and the temptation
to look at porn every day. I totally celebent other than that. I live with a guy
as a brother, we love and support each other, but no sex. My faith is the only
thing that has saved me. Without it, I would surely be dead by now. God is good,
but the abuse ruined my life.
Last edited by a moderator:
