First day of school
Overburdened78
Registrant
Today is Brian's first day of school. I'm hoping I don't get a phone call that he's acting up, to come and pick him up. He was nervous as hell the poor kid.
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First day of school
- Thread starterOverburdened78
- Start date
reality2k4
Registrant
I hope he gets thru OK.
Its horrible to have to go to school with this type of nightmare to deal with,
ste
Its horrible to have to go to school with this type of nightmare to deal with,
ste
Overburdened78
Registrant
Yes, Trevor, that is exactly what he said too.
He came in, yelled at me that it sucked and said he will never go back there, stormed off into his room and slammed the door. We didn't talk about it and the next morning I woke him up, told him to get ready that he's going back. He fought me on it, swore at me, gave me a lot of dirty looks, told me he hated me, but went back. He called me to say he was sorry, that today was better than yesterday but that I'm still mean for making him go. I told him if he got through the rest of the week I'd take him out to eat somewhere that he wanted to go.
Hoping it gets better for you too.
He came in, yelled at me that it sucked and said he will never go back there, stormed off into his room and slammed the door. We didn't talk about it and the next morning I woke him up, told him to get ready that he's going back. He fought me on it, swore at me, gave me a lot of dirty looks, told me he hated me, but went back. He called me to say he was sorry, that today was better than yesterday but that I'm still mean for making him go. I told him if he got through the rest of the week I'd take him out to eat somewhere that he wanted to go.
Hoping it gets better for you too.
roadrunner
Registrant
Dennis (and you too, Trevor),
It's absolutely to be expected that an abused teenager going back to school will feel conflicted in lots of ways. The assurances of adults seem irrelevant; what do grownups know? What matters to him are his fears and anxieties, which he will often feel reluctant to share, even with adults he trusts.
These fears will be in areas that impact most immediately on his abuse experiences. For example, he will look at his schoolmates and see no one who "looks" like he has been abused. So the boy will feel all the more alone.
He will also feel anxious about how all his schoolmates seem to be participating in a view of relationships that leaves him as an absolute outsider. Everything they do seems to be dangerous and threatening so far as he can see. If a friend, for example, tells him about something he has recently done with a girl, he will think: That's what the abuser did to me.
As he begins to feel more and more different, he will wonder how his friends can fail to see this "difference". He will wonder if he has a "sign" on him announcing his abuse. Classes like gym, if they involve nakedness and communal showering, will be especially traumatic.
In classes in school he will perhaps compare, let us say, tangents and cosines with his own troubles and wonder what the former have to do with him. The result will often be a general meltdown as he figures that his own life has nothing to do with the "real world".
With your brother, Dennis (and in your case too, Trev), what is needed is a safe venue where he can feel free to talk about what's bothering him. Let him know that you won't judge him but need to understand how to help. If he says he can't talk, respect that but leave open the way for future discussions.
Above all, an abused boy needs to know - and believe - that it isn't all hopeless. That, in turn highlights the role that understanding adults need to play in their recovery. Teenagers aren't stupid. They can see in a second the difference between formal acceptance and computer-generated platitudes, as opposed to genuine concern for their welfare.
Much love,
Larry
It's absolutely to be expected that an abused teenager going back to school will feel conflicted in lots of ways. The assurances of adults seem irrelevant; what do grownups know? What matters to him are his fears and anxieties, which he will often feel reluctant to share, even with adults he trusts.
These fears will be in areas that impact most immediately on his abuse experiences. For example, he will look at his schoolmates and see no one who "looks" like he has been abused. So the boy will feel all the more alone.
He will also feel anxious about how all his schoolmates seem to be participating in a view of relationships that leaves him as an absolute outsider. Everything they do seems to be dangerous and threatening so far as he can see. If a friend, for example, tells him about something he has recently done with a girl, he will think: That's what the abuser did to me.
As he begins to feel more and more different, he will wonder how his friends can fail to see this "difference". He will wonder if he has a "sign" on him announcing his abuse. Classes like gym, if they involve nakedness and communal showering, will be especially traumatic.
In classes in school he will perhaps compare, let us say, tangents and cosines with his own troubles and wonder what the former have to do with him. The result will often be a general meltdown as he figures that his own life has nothing to do with the "real world".
With your brother, Dennis (and in your case too, Trev), what is needed is a safe venue where he can feel free to talk about what's bothering him. Let him know that you won't judge him but need to understand how to help. If he says he can't talk, respect that but leave open the way for future discussions.
Above all, an abused boy needs to know - and believe - that it isn't all hopeless. That, in turn highlights the role that understanding adults need to play in their recovery. Teenagers aren't stupid. They can see in a second the difference between formal acceptance and computer-generated platitudes, as opposed to genuine concern for their welfare.
Much love,
Larry
Sometimes when I read the posts here, I forget why we are here.
I read this post initially and thought it was just a kid going to school for the first time ever and how that was. It then dawned on me that it was an abused kid going to school and feeling different...I remembered how that was..I remember how that is sometimes even now when I go to work.. Just so you know, you can become king of the hill!
Best wishes ..Rik
I read this post initially and thought it was just a kid going to school for the first time ever and how that was. It then dawned on me that it was an abused kid going to school and feeling different...I remembered how that was..I remember how that is sometimes even now when I go to work.. Just so you know, you can become king of the hill!
Best wishes ..Rik
Overburdened78
Registrant
I go out of my way daily to make sure he knows that it's not hopeless, that survival is possible on many levels, even when I don't believe it myself.
roadrunner
Registrant
Dennis,
That puts a lot of pressure on you I am sure, especially when you need to assure him and give him strength in areas where you yourself are not yet convinced.
I hopr you will take advantage of the resource here and talk about whatever you need to. It really does help.
Much love,
Larry
That puts a lot of pressure on you I am sure, especially when you need to assure him and give him strength in areas where you yourself are not yet convinced.
I hopr you will take advantage of the resource here and talk about whatever you need to. It really does help.
Much love,
Larry
Overburdened78
Registrant
I know it's helped, it helps him a lot.
But like you said in another post that I read, I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted too.
But like you said in another post that I read, I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted too.
roadrunner
Registrant
Dennis,
Yep, that's how it feels sometimes. But in that case, start anywhere. We have all been there and know how it's affecting you.
Much love,
Larry
Yep, that's how it feels sometimes. But in that case, start anywhere. We have all been there and know how it's affecting you.
Much love,
Larry
Overburdened78
Registrant
I guess the biggest problem I have with the whole mess is that my mother let it go on and on.
roadrunner
Registrant
Dennis,
Then that's the one you might want to talk about. If your mother knew and did nothing to stop it, then she failed in her most fundamental task: protecting her child.
One could spend time asking why she said and did nothing, but the bottom line would in any case be that you deserved a LOT better. It did matter, and you should have been protected.
If you can talk about your feelings concerning this, whatever those feelings are, I bet it would help you.
Much love,
Larry
Then that's the one you might want to talk about. If your mother knew and did nothing to stop it, then she failed in her most fundamental task: protecting her child.
One could spend time asking why she said and did nothing, but the bottom line would in any case be that you deserved a LOT better. It did matter, and you should have been protected.
If you can talk about your feelings concerning this, whatever those feelings are, I bet it would help you.
Much love,
Larry
Overburdened78
Registrant
My feelings are, well, pretty pissed off.
In the beginning when it first happened I told her. Don't remember how I told her but I told her. I remember her getting angry at him. I don't remember exactly, but I remember the feeling. Knowing that she was angry. I worried that it was my fault but never got the feeling from her that it was. Then I remember laying in my bed that night and hearing them argue. Couldn't hear what was being said, just muffled voices through the wall. Then I heard the thumps and slaps, heard her crying out, heard things breaking, heard his voice and got the feeling that, I don't know, just felt scary, filled me with fear and I can't describe why. Even as young as I was I knew at that moment he was in control of the situation. I felt incredibly guilty that I even told my mother in the first place. I always felt like she blamed me because if I hadn't told her in the first place, she wouldn't have gotten beat up by him. I learned to keep my mouth shut about it after that. I didn't want her to get hurt. But, the point is, she knew it was happening, even if he was hurting her, even if she was scared, she should have found a way to do something to stop him right? I never got the feeling that she hated me enough to just let him hurt me. I don't know, it really drives me crazy, I think about it all the time. Her and I together have always been really awkward, we know it's there, we know it happened, just can't talk about it.
In the beginning when it first happened I told her. Don't remember how I told her but I told her. I remember her getting angry at him. I don't remember exactly, but I remember the feeling. Knowing that she was angry. I worried that it was my fault but never got the feeling from her that it was. Then I remember laying in my bed that night and hearing them argue. Couldn't hear what was being said, just muffled voices through the wall. Then I heard the thumps and slaps, heard her crying out, heard things breaking, heard his voice and got the feeling that, I don't know, just felt scary, filled me with fear and I can't describe why. Even as young as I was I knew at that moment he was in control of the situation. I felt incredibly guilty that I even told my mother in the first place. I always felt like she blamed me because if I hadn't told her in the first place, she wouldn't have gotten beat up by him. I learned to keep my mouth shut about it after that. I didn't want her to get hurt. But, the point is, she knew it was happening, even if he was hurting her, even if she was scared, she should have found a way to do something to stop him right? I never got the feeling that she hated me enough to just let him hurt me. I don't know, it really drives me crazy, I think about it all the time. Her and I together have always been really awkward, we know it's there, we know it happened, just can't talk about it.
roadrunner
Registrant
Dennis,
First of all, you did nothing except what a kid should do - you told your mother. That was already incredibly brave; many boys would not have been able to do that. Your disclosure didn't produce anything positive, but the blame for that goes not to you, but to the dysfunctional nature of the home you were in.
Whatever I say here next isn't meant to excuse your mother's neglect of you. Once you told her what was happening she should have put you first; nothing should have been more important.
That said, however, it isn't uncommon for a woman who is being brutalized at home by an abusive husband to be reduced pretty quickly to a state where she feels entirely powerless. This is what happened years ago to my aunt (my Dad's sister). Her husband became violent and abusive, but my aunt kept hiding what was going on and she made excuses for her husband for years. Finally he beat her bad enough to cause serious injuries and she told my Dad; he went up there, threw her husband out of the house and helped my aunt get a divorce. Lots of differences from your case, I know, but the point is how powerless the woman feels.
I think it's all the worse since these things are happening in the woman's own home, where she ought to feel safest. She has kids to think about, she's living from day to day, and she probably feels guilty - the bastard hitting her will of course stress what a failure and unsexy miserable wife she is. And she probably fears the future as well, even if there is a women's shelter in her area: will she really be safe there?, what will happen to her after the shelter?, what about the children?
The problem now is, as you suggest, the elephant in the room every time you meet. This is a big problem and it affects both you and Brian.
The "what next?" question just raises several others. Okay, you are angry with your mother, but what do you want from her? What do you need? For example, do you want/need a clearing of the air, answers to some questions, and then progress towards a reconciliation? How would that help you? Or do you want a confrontation and a parting of the ways? How would that help you? Don't feel you are being selfish if you think this way, putting your needs first. You and Brian should not be in this position in the first place, but here you are. Now it is up to YOU to do what should have been done years ago - put first things first. The bad luck of the situation leaves a heavy burden of responsibility on you personally, Dennis, and if you don't or cannot act to secure what you and your brother need, then both of you will just be victimized all over again.
If you do want a reconciliation there are various ways to work towards this that don't involve a shouting match. But the point right now is, as I said, deciding what you want. You have every right to be angry, but addressing that anger isn't the issue here; what would assuage your anger (if anything) might not be identical to what really serves your long-term interests and needs.
Much love,
Larry
First of all, you did nothing except what a kid should do - you told your mother. That was already incredibly brave; many boys would not have been able to do that. Your disclosure didn't produce anything positive, but the blame for that goes not to you, but to the dysfunctional nature of the home you were in.
Whatever I say here next isn't meant to excuse your mother's neglect of you. Once you told her what was happening she should have put you first; nothing should have been more important.
That said, however, it isn't uncommon for a woman who is being brutalized at home by an abusive husband to be reduced pretty quickly to a state where she feels entirely powerless. This is what happened years ago to my aunt (my Dad's sister). Her husband became violent and abusive, but my aunt kept hiding what was going on and she made excuses for her husband for years. Finally he beat her bad enough to cause serious injuries and she told my Dad; he went up there, threw her husband out of the house and helped my aunt get a divorce. Lots of differences from your case, I know, but the point is how powerless the woman feels.
I think it's all the worse since these things are happening in the woman's own home, where she ought to feel safest. She has kids to think about, she's living from day to day, and she probably feels guilty - the bastard hitting her will of course stress what a failure and unsexy miserable wife she is. And she probably fears the future as well, even if there is a women's shelter in her area: will she really be safe there?, what will happen to her after the shelter?, what about the children?
The problem now is, as you suggest, the elephant in the room every time you meet. This is a big problem and it affects both you and Brian.
The "what next?" question just raises several others. Okay, you are angry with your mother, but what do you want from her? What do you need? For example, do you want/need a clearing of the air, answers to some questions, and then progress towards a reconciliation? How would that help you? Or do you want a confrontation and a parting of the ways? How would that help you? Don't feel you are being selfish if you think this way, putting your needs first. You and Brian should not be in this position in the first place, but here you are. Now it is up to YOU to do what should have been done years ago - put first things first. The bad luck of the situation leaves a heavy burden of responsibility on you personally, Dennis, and if you don't or cannot act to secure what you and your brother need, then both of you will just be victimized all over again.
If you do want a reconciliation there are various ways to work towards this that don't involve a shouting match. But the point right now is, as I said, deciding what you want. You have every right to be angry, but addressing that anger isn't the issue here; what would assuage your anger (if anything) might not be identical to what really serves your long-term interests and needs.
Much love,
Larry
Overburdened78
Registrant
Problem with what I want is that it's different from what Brian wants. Me? I don't want any answers or excuses because there really aren't any. All I want is an acknoledgement, an apology and then we can part ways and never look back. That would suit me fine. It's the silence about it between us that kills me. Brian, on the other hand, loves his mom and can't see where any of this would be her fault. He's close with her and that kills me too. If she allowed her husband to hurt her kids than she'd allow anyone to hurt her kids. Brian goes over to visit with her and that's fine but it makes me nervous. I don't think it's a safe environment. That's another story. I'm not sure that he ever witnessed or even heard them fighting. I think it was mostly before he was born. I did a good job of protecting him from all of that, obviously not good enough but, I tried. I'd do anything and I mean anything to call on dad so he'd stay the fuck away from Brian and from my mother.
I know you're not trying to excuse her but, too scared? felt powerless? trapt? I just don't buy it Larry.
I know you're not trying to excuse her but, too scared? felt powerless? trapt? I just don't buy it Larry.
roadrunner
Registrant
Dennis,
It's not so surprising that what you and Brian need would differ. There is so much that differs between your case and Brian's. But I wonder if some resolution of the "mother problem", however difficult to work out, wouldn't be better than things drifting the way they are now. As I recall you aren't seeing a T yet - this one really ought to be raised with a pro.
My radar homed in on this one bro:
Much love,
Larry
It's not so surprising that what you and Brian need would differ. There is so much that differs between your case and Brian's. But I wonder if some resolution of the "mother problem", however difficult to work out, wouldn't be better than things drifting the way they are now. As I recall you aren't seeing a T yet - this one really ought to be raised with a pro.
My radar homed in on this one bro:
I hope you will soon see that it could never been your job as Brian's brother to protect him from abuse. You were too young to take on that responsibility, and it was your father's job to keep his hands off in the first place. It was a cruel trick for him to threaten Brian as a way of getting what he wanted from you, and incredibly brave of you to put yourself in harm's way in an effort to protect your brother.I did a good job of protecting him from all of that, obviously not good enough but, I tried.
Much love,
Larry
I'm sorry that it fell on you to protect your brother. You were placed in position that no child should have to be placed in, and no child deserves, and truly, no child can succeed at. To protect another child (and themself) from a contemptible adult.
I can understand the anger toward your mother. I sometime feel such as well. My mother allowed extreme physical abuse to occur to me and my younger brother from our father, to the point of my brother not surviving life at home with our father. The anger, whether it properly 'placed' or not, it is understandable.
I hope this situation, it is becoming more bearable for your brother, and both of you are dealing better of things at this point.
Good luck.
Leosha
I can understand the anger toward your mother. I sometime feel such as well. My mother allowed extreme physical abuse to occur to me and my younger brother from our father, to the point of my brother not surviving life at home with our father. The anger, whether it properly 'placed' or not, it is understandable.
I hope this situation, it is becoming more bearable for your brother, and both of you are dealing better of things at this point.
Good luck.
Leosha