Fired as a Night Clerk at a Gay Bath
Many years ago in my healing journey I decided that I needed to deal with the sexual attraction I had toward other men.
I had been abused by three different men at different times and my sense of sexuality was confused. I was terrified by my own interest in men. I had married as a way to find some kind of safety and put some distance between me and my preoccupation with men. After less than two years, our marriage fell apart.
In the process of our marriage dissolving, I decided that I had to face my attraction to men head on. I went to a gay therapist and started seeing him every week. He had a weekly therapy group for gay men and I joined it. What I didn't know at the time was that my abuse experience was a kind of trauma.
As I tried to face and deal with the trauma, I retraumatized myself. I was a wreck. I could hardly work. I was acting out without connecting to myself in the process.
Nevertheless, I threw myself in my journey of "coming out" and participated wholeheartedly in every opportunity to engage other men with same sex attraction that came along. I went to gay parties, gay baths, gay beaches, gay married men's groups and marched in a gay pride parade. I never experienced a sense of identity as a gay man, but I walked the walk and talked the talk for about 16 months.
The entire adventure ended when I was fired from a Gay bath where I was working as a night clerk. Being fired hit me very hard. Firing me was the right thing to do. I was not focused on my job. When things were slow, I would have sex with the patrons. Nevertheless; when I was fired I was devastated. I cried for hours. I went home and took a hot bath to try to calm down, but that did not stop the crying. I called my therapist and he made time to see me. I could hardly see to drive to his office I was crying so much. In my therapist's office I felt safe and cared for. This made it possible for me to really get in touch with my pain and I cried even more deeply. He had taught me that I could cry and talk at the same time. Through my tears I said I could cry away the tears I felt for my own situation, but I could not cry away the tears I felt for the misery and pain of the human condition. Yes, my life had fallen apart. I was going through a divorce, six month early my younger brother, who was gay and who had also been abused, committed suicide, I was alienated from my parents because I had come out as gay with them, I had no sense of direction for my life and now I had been fired. Somehow getting in touch with my own pain in a profoundly personal way allowed me to glimpse the pain other people experience in their own personal ways.
After that session with my therapist, I went home and didn't leave my apartment for three days. I was just completely numb.
That was almost 40 years ago. When I came out of my apartment, I met some people who were religious and with the Lord's help I put my life back together a little at a time. I am still in therapy and I am still on my journey of dealing with my sexual attraction to other men. Just the same it has been more than 35 years since I have had sex with another man. I am happily married and I am faithful to my wife. I have two adult children who are great! I have a relationship with the Lord that feeds me. I have had a successful career and I am enjoying a lot of fun things I can do now that I am retired.
I still have a lot of healing and growing to do. Happily, I am capable of being vulnerable and open in ways could not be before. I am also very grateful for my journey. I like the man I am and I would not be the man I am without the trials and tribulations I have had along the way.
Thank you for giving me this chance to put out this story.
Jed777
I had been abused by three different men at different times and my sense of sexuality was confused. I was terrified by my own interest in men. I had married as a way to find some kind of safety and put some distance between me and my preoccupation with men. After less than two years, our marriage fell apart.
In the process of our marriage dissolving, I decided that I had to face my attraction to men head on. I went to a gay therapist and started seeing him every week. He had a weekly therapy group for gay men and I joined it. What I didn't know at the time was that my abuse experience was a kind of trauma.
As I tried to face and deal with the trauma, I retraumatized myself. I was a wreck. I could hardly work. I was acting out without connecting to myself in the process.
Nevertheless, I threw myself in my journey of "coming out" and participated wholeheartedly in every opportunity to engage other men with same sex attraction that came along. I went to gay parties, gay baths, gay beaches, gay married men's groups and marched in a gay pride parade. I never experienced a sense of identity as a gay man, but I walked the walk and talked the talk for about 16 months.
The entire adventure ended when I was fired from a Gay bath where I was working as a night clerk. Being fired hit me very hard. Firing me was the right thing to do. I was not focused on my job. When things were slow, I would have sex with the patrons. Nevertheless; when I was fired I was devastated. I cried for hours. I went home and took a hot bath to try to calm down, but that did not stop the crying. I called my therapist and he made time to see me. I could hardly see to drive to his office I was crying so much. In my therapist's office I felt safe and cared for. This made it possible for me to really get in touch with my pain and I cried even more deeply. He had taught me that I could cry and talk at the same time. Through my tears I said I could cry away the tears I felt for my own situation, but I could not cry away the tears I felt for the misery and pain of the human condition. Yes, my life had fallen apart. I was going through a divorce, six month early my younger brother, who was gay and who had also been abused, committed suicide, I was alienated from my parents because I had come out as gay with them, I had no sense of direction for my life and now I had been fired. Somehow getting in touch with my own pain in a profoundly personal way allowed me to glimpse the pain other people experience in their own personal ways.
After that session with my therapist, I went home and didn't leave my apartment for three days. I was just completely numb.
That was almost 40 years ago. When I came out of my apartment, I met some people who were religious and with the Lord's help I put my life back together a little at a time. I am still in therapy and I am still on my journey of dealing with my sexual attraction to other men. Just the same it has been more than 35 years since I have had sex with another man. I am happily married and I am faithful to my wife. I have two adult children who are great! I have a relationship with the Lord that feeds me. I have had a successful career and I am enjoying a lot of fun things I can do now that I am retired.
I still have a lot of healing and growing to do. Happily, I am capable of being vulnerable and open in ways could not be before. I am also very grateful for my journey. I like the man I am and I would not be the man I am without the trials and tribulations I have had along the way.
Thank you for giving me this chance to put out this story.
Jed777
