Finding the right person to tell (long)

Finding the right person to tell (long)
S

ShadowTraveler

Registrant
What a blessing this site is.

At 41 and after carrying this burden for 31 years, ignoring it for a while, and just carrying it for the rest while helping everyone else, I have to tell someone. I have reached the point where I know I have to trust someone enough to share what happened and and can help me through this and helping them understand why I am the way I am.

From those of you who have told and who were not in a relationship when you did, how did you choose the person to trust? Trust is of course the big issue - I spent a year in therapy for PTSD after literally cleaning up a friend's messy suicide scene - later found out to in fact have been murdered by his own mother who was never prosecuted because police bought the suicide story and collected no evidence at the time.

I could not get to revealing the SA to the therapist. There is no stranger that I can trust that much.

Of my few close friends, I have tried to communicate the depth of my despair with two. One female friend who I talked out of suicide when her husband dumped her. We are separated by many miles but are extremely close. Over the past year, the mental pressure and depression have grown. When I shared some of what I was feeling with her, she was at first reluctant to respond. She told me after a while that she was hesitant to respond because I might not like what she had to say and did not want to hurt my feelings. When I told her to go ahead, she responded with a major kick in the balls, 'knock it the fuck off', etc. etc. as though what I had shared with her was just wallowing in self-pity.

My response to send an email reply - 'consider it knocked off' and thanked her for giving me all the justification I needed to never share with anyone on a deep level ever again and I did not speak or otherwise communicate with her for a while. (I bet that sounds familiar to a lot of you). She later sent a heartfelt apology for misreading what I was going through. We are old and dear friends and she is my first choice. I also don't want to just dump this on her - does anyone know a good way to approach this? Does one ask if that person is willing to listen to something horrible and upsetting without judging?
I'm also wondering about traveling 800 miles and dropping this on her.

Second choice is a very close friend who I became very close to following the death mentioned above. We got each other through it. But she is facing her own death to a terminal illness and recently divorced from a husband who could not deal with that. Am not sure if it would be right to drop this on her.

Remaining choice is the wife of a very close friend. Friend is a recovering alcoholic with a lot of anger issues who mistreats her. She has offered help but does not know what the source of my problem is.

Suggestions welcome. Thanks for listening.
 
to begin, i dont think i've welcomed you so i will do it now. i am sorry you need this place, but am glad you found it.

it is my experience that talking is the key to sorting this all out, and that each and every case is a little different, and a lot alike. to be honest with you, telling a friend or family member is much riskier than telling a therapist in my opinion. a therapist has at least read of anything you can imagine, and has likely had someone sitting in front of him telling him. telling can stir some very powerful feelings, especially the first time, and it is a good idea to have someone there to help stabilize you after.

that said, i first told my story here. then my wife, and finally my therapist. my wife got a watered down version, but it was enough to get her on my side so i could seek the help i needed. i found telling it here, and on other sites i visit made it easier to tell it in person. i became desensitized to an extent. i also was able to come to grips with talking about it better, and to organize my story.

i guess the first person i told when it comes down to it was myself. i sat down and wrote it all out in gory detail. that alone helped me.

whatever you choose, i will pray it goes well for you. hang in there, and be compasionate to yourself. you are taking a huge step toward healing by talking.
 
Shadow

I could not get to revealing the SA to the therapist. There is no stranger that I can trust that much.
Click to expand...
Tell your therapist, and if you're not in therapy right now then I' seriously think of going back.
We can give some support and help, but we're no substitute for a good therapist.

These other friends might be good people to disclose to, but are you wanting to disclose to them for the right reasons ?
Do you somehow think that unloading your problems will help them to go away ? I hope not.

Do some work with a therapist and then use your friends as supporters and allies. Don't take the risk of scaring them away.
If you do some work, and you're the only person that can heal you, then they will see a change in you - a willingness to move yourself forward. And people will support you. But they can't, and won't, take your problem away from you.
I tried that with some friends a while ago, it doesn't work.

Dave
 
I told my therapist first. Then I told people here on this site. And they encouraged me to tell my girlfriend. And I just told my best friend and his wife.

If there is one thing I have learned since coming here, it is to believe these guys! If someone had told me a year ago that I would have told this many people, I would have laughed out loud (right after convincing them that nothing had happened to me.)

I highly encourage telling a therapist... they are objective (most of the time) and will be able to process what you are telling them without a lot of attachment that a friend might have. Just my opinion based on experience...

-Sean
 
Shadow,

Dave is right, we support and help, but a good therapist should strongly considered. Find one that has experience in treating male SA survivors and has a treatment plan that you will be comfortable. Don't be afraid to fire the T if s/he isn't what you want or need, there are others out there.

Dave mentioned having the right reasons to disclose, it's not something you do to hurt someone or cause them pain, that's just plain mean. The process of disclosure gives the power to the victim. There are roughly four types of disclosure (forgive me if I don't get this exactly right).
  • Accidental - it just wasn't planned.

  • Forced - such as if your wife were to want to have your perp babysit for your child. Or released in a court proceding.

  • Therapy - letting your therapist know (important to do)

  • Planned - when you make a concious decision to let this be known.

The first person I told was my psychiatrist, my doc sent me there when I went looking for a therapist for something else. I told him simply because he asked. The next person I told was my therapist. Followed my now ex-wife, this one was a mistake. The next was my new doctor. Then the doctors when I was locked up. Then the 'new' psychiatrist (one visit only, long story). Then came the wonderful guys here. Followed by a co-worker, she has been very supportive and understanding. A sister, verdict still out on that one. A step-brother, very supportive and he know knows why I have acted as I had in the past. I have been talking about this with another friend/former co-worker, have covered a lot of topics and issues, but I have never told her flat out nor has she asked, yet I know that she knows from her responses. Finally last week, I told another co-worker, he was very supportive and understanding. Each time it gets so much easier. And start slow, let them know that you were abused, have some issues regarding that and you are working on them. As you see their reaction to that you can fill in some of the information as needed.

PM me if you would like me to elaborate any or just want to talk.

Take care,
Bill
 
Shadow - Ive read this post a couple of times and I find it difficult to answer your questions.

Who should we tell the first time?

I didn't have a choice - it just happened one night when I was out drinking with friends. I couldn't hold it in any more, and everything just fell off my tongue (32 years on).

Didn't say anything else for another 2 years & my head was going apeshit...told my Doctor, Boss. more friends & co-workers.

I'm OK now...people believe me....still people I haven't told....who do you tell? I would say go with your gut instincts, but my approach has been to 'not tell' anyone that I didn't think could handle it.

Best wishes Rik
 
tell anyone..

get in t; join a support group-you have nothin to be ashamed about.

best :cool:
 
welcome..

good site; great people ...talking about this shit is good healin'. power to you...
 
i've told a few g/fs'..

and a few guys i know...oprah to if she would ask...

i'm a shit sometimes..its tuff..

the heros' are here..great bunch of people here...
 
i ran into this site..

https://open-mind.org/Abuse.htm

i hope it helps you on your healing journey.

you really have to trust the people you disclose too. let the steam off here.

talking about it is a big help; join a support group in your community...for years i bottled it inside-which was negative for me, of course. volunteer work helps too.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top