Finding some good

Finding some good
S

surfdude

Registrant
Our experiences with abuse will always be bad. I believe in the concept of Yin & Yang, that there are two sides to anything and have given thought to what little I had to benefit from being abused. Part of my recovery has been the belief that as bad as being molested was/is, I must try to find what little good can come from it to turn my experience into a lesson for growth, into something positive.

Quoting Shadowkid from another post "i think we should keep the good traits that our abuse taught us"

Here are some of my thoughts:

I view traditional values with skepticism as the value system that existed in my society was turned upside down and inside out. I learned to contemplate and derive my own values instead of accepting values handed down to me.
I realize that I have a very strong feminine side. I am balanced right brain and left brain. Accepting this and using it wisely can lead to greater personal accomplishment.
I am very accepting of people who are different because I know how it feels to be unacceptable. I have compassion and empathy.
I am not shocked by most things people do as I have seen, experienced or read about the range of behavior that people are capable of.
I tried to be a very good person to make up for incorrectly perceived shortcomings.
Ive read an awful lot of books on health, exercise, personal finances, investing, management, leadership, outdoor sports, etc.
I have learned to appreciate and enjoy nature
I have studied philosophy and am incorporating the principles of Taoism, Zen and Flow into my life.

How about it guys? Can you dig deep and find some good things your terrible experiences have taught you? I would certainly like to hear them as it would be very healing for me.

Aloha, Sunny :cool:
 
Nothing, there is nothing good that has come from this, nothing except for meeting some good people here at MS, that's it.

Your comments seem to presuppose that you would not have any of these good traits otherwise, without your having been previously abused. I must repectfully disagree.

Sure I might be knowledgable about CSA and empathic towards other survivors, more than I otherwise would be, but.........so what? I would rather be normal and not be preoccupied by all this shit thats crippled me my WHOLE life.

There is no good that has come out of this, none.

Shit I don't know, maybe there is, I'm just saying what I feel right now, maybe I'm totally wrong.
 
Sunny,

I wonder if there isn't a way forward between what you are saying and Hauser's reaction to it. This would be that the things you are talking about don't arise from the experience of abuse itself, but rather from the task of recovery from abuse. I think that's probably what you meant anyway.

Viewed from that perspective I could name many things I have learned, only a few of which I will list here:

  • I have learned to separate my sense of worth from bad things that might happen to me.
  • I have learned that feelings can be very misleading. They often tell me a lot about my fears and problems but not a lot about me as a person.
  • I have learned to appreciate little joys and take each day as it comes.
  • I have learned a lot about the tremendous power of love.
  • I have begun to sense the incredible power of the human spirit.
  • I have learned that I can protect myself from danger without rejecting the good that is in other people.
  • I have learned that while I certainly need other people in my life and benefit enormously from their support, at the end of the day I am the one who has to make the decisions and do the work necessary to lead a joyful and fulfilling life. Others cannot do this for me.
  • I have learned that I cannot change the past. I can only learn from it in the present. But by doing so I can create powerful tools for myself that will allow me to do many things that earlier I would never have dreamed possible.
Well, the list could go on and on, but I will stop there.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

Thanks for clarifying my thoughts. Reviewing my list, it is my recovery that is making these things come about.

Would I have come to these realizations about myself if I haven't had to go through this recovery process? I don't know.

I just want to put the hurt and shame behind me so I can move forward. I'm looking at positives. The negatives take me backwards.

Much love back to you,

Sunny
 
The concept of having something good come from the abuse has been a difficult one for me. Like Hauser, I had a hard time seeing anything good as a result that I couldnt achieve if I hadnt been abused. Also, acknowledging good from the abuse seemed too much like saying it should have happened or that the abuse was the best way for me to learn whatever lesson I was to learn from it. Again, like Hauser, I would rather not have had the abuse and just remained a normal person. But since, that wasnt possible now, I kept looking at what I have learned because of the abuse and I kept seeing how I actually had some benefit from it. That just didnt make sense to me but the positive traits were still there for me to see. Over time working with my T and with a lot of self-discovery, I have been able to see where I have made the best from the abuse but overall it has remained a difficult concept for me.

However, roadrunners comment really opened up possible answers for me. It isnt the abuse which has brought these traits out in me but, rather, my recovery work which I should credit. It has been from my effort that Ive been able to better myself as a person and because of me that I have benefited from something terrible that happened to me. Through recovery work, I now have a different, and truer, sense of reality in my life. I no longer plod through day by day like some mindless human rat stuck in the same maze until I die. I now can see my life and life in general through eyes which have been cleansed of bias and preset notions of what is true. I guess if I wanted to debate it, I could argue that it was the abuse that triggered the need of recovery so in the end it is still the abuse which has led me to be where I am but I am leaving it up to me as the reason I sought recovery and refused to live as a victim.

So, thanks to my recovery efforts, I can see these things I have learned and adopted

I can feel comfortable doing something I enjoy regardless of what others expect me to do.
I understand that not everything is at is seems. Sometimes what others tell us just isnt so. Because of this I can investigate and reach my own conclusion.
I place great value on my word. I try not to say things that I dont honestly believe.
I dont want to. is a good enough reason.
I am honestly longing and searching for my spirituality.
I am more accepting of others differences.
I can be the little boy inside of me.

Of course there are others but this post is already long enough. Thanks surfdude for this question and thanks roadrunner for that enlightening perspective. Hauser, I can relate to your post. It is difficult to look at any part of our abuse for anything positive. You are right though. Nothing good comes from the abuse. All of us were deeply hurt and traumatized from our abuse and none of us deserved what was done to us. But it is not impossible for us to rise above our past and reclaim the human spirit that remains somewhere inside of us. It is there. We wouldnt be here at this site otherwise. The abuser cannot take that from us. Ive seen this spirit too many times here at MS and with other survivors to believe it is stolen along with our innocence. Im sorry if that sounds like lecturing. Im really only trying to say Dont give up hope. We are not doomed to be victims forever. but those words alone fall short.
 
sunny,
i look back over my journey and often wonder what would have been forged otherwise had i not been forged as i have been. i don't know what kind of man i would have become had it not been for everything i have been through, abuse or otherwise. the abuse did not make me who i am, but it was a part of the journey. perhaps, iin the end, the good that comes out of such evil, is what we eventually learn of ourselves and the subsequent power to become who we thereafter consciously choose to be...
 
Sometimes I feel good and see the positives.

Sometimes I feel like shit and wish my past was different.

If I stop seeing something good then my whole life if worthless, I see no hope. I am trying to hold on. When I wrote the initial post I felt strong. Now I feel like sh*t.
 
i guess the way i deal with life is with faith. to me, all things happen for a reason in the lives of God's elect. i believe that the abuse drove me to seek answers and find my faith. it brought me to a point where i could reach out and help others, even if it is only a little. it shaped and formed me into the man i am now, and though i suffered greatly at points, ultimately i am a good father, a good husband and a good man. i am that because of the sum of my past, including the abuse.
 
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