Finding Perps

Finding Perps
H

Happenstance

Registrant
I think that one of the biggest problems I have is that somewhere my perp is alive and well. Next year will make 30 years since IT happened, and I have no idea where he is or, and this is the part that wakes me up at night, how many others he has done this to. My father was in the service when this happened, and we were stationed in Germany. His name, unfortunately, is a rather common one, as was his brother's and his father's. His mother was German, and had a German first name, but I doubt anything would be listed under her name.

To quiet the guilt inside, I have to find him. I think it is slowly becoming not a matter of life and death(at least in my case), but a matter of my sanity. If I could ascertain what happened to him or his brother, I think I could get a better handle on things.

You see, since I never said anything when it happened, and since his parents were in the service, we all moved around a lot. I feel that since I never opened my mouth when it happened, I am partly responsible for whatever happened to all those other kids(assuming there was, which I am sure there were). I know that I am not responsible for his actions; I know that what happened to me is not my fault. But what about all the other kids he met or came into contact with? How can I not be partly responsible for whatever happened to them? And his poor brother, my age at the time, and it had obviously been happening to him for a while.

I do not have a lot of money. What I make pays the bills, and what my wife makes part time feeds us and keeps gas in the cars. I know the easiest way would be through a private investigator, but the lack of funds prevents that. I figured the best place for resources was with you guys, who have already helped to much. What I need now are free websites or a link to a government directory or something I can look through. I am not asking for donations, just help in locating the only bastard in the world that still holds sway over me. How did you guys locate your perps? I know that some never went away, and some were locked up.

I need peace, at least in this one area. Any suggestions?
 
Happenstance,

If your perp or a member of his family was in the military perhaps there are service records that could be made available to you?

Just a thought.

Zipser
 
Happenstance,

Do you happen to know what high school he graduated from or if he attended any community college or 4 year university. Schools try to keep records of their alums. This information is accessible to the public ... sometimes requiring a letter requesting information or a visit to the school to sign a form. Depending on the information you presently know you may be able to locate past/current address and telephone information thru the below websties

peoplefinders.com
usa-people-search.com

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
i justwanted to say ,you can't blame yourself for anything ,your not responsible for something he did,maybe he is dead ,wouldn't that be cool?you blame yourself for not telling, i told and it ruined my life ,it cost me my family ,it changed my life for ever ,and for what? he got 7 years,is free now and i'm sure he is hurting someone as we speak.he has promised to get me for getting him locked up and is harrasing me now ,just remember even if you had told it don't mean it would have stopped him forever ,the only thing that stops them is death as long as they live they will be predators shadow
 
Happenstance,

I went through the same anxiety earlier this year, and what I finally realized is that it is never the child's responsibility to stop an abuser. It was his responsibility to leave you alone in the first place.

When we take on that guilt we are basically expecting that we, as children, should have been able to think and act as we do now, as adults. But an abused child's life is never like that. Look back to the feelings you had as a child being hurt: fear, shame, confusion? Not a lot of room for rational calculation of options. And even if you had options, where would the strength and confidence to disclose have come from? When you were abused 30 years ago CSA of boys wasn't a public issue. In my case I felt entirely alone, and I bet you did as well.

There is also no way of knowing what would have happened had you told someone. In my case the abuser just faded away and probably went on to feast elsewhere. My sister and I talked about this and she helped me to see that had I made a big fuss in 1963 and exposed him, it is not at all clear what would have happened. What if I had accused him openly? Everyone would have known, there would have been a scandal, and it is not at all clear that he would have been found guilty and punished. I could have ended like that kid that Michael Jackson molested: shamed in front of the world and then declared a liar. What would that have done to me? Or you?

I don't mean to say that you should not pursue your abuser, just that no guilt at all falls on you because you did not disclose what happened. Search for him if you feel it is a task important to your recovery, but I would talk to a T about this as well. There is indeed a huge burden of guilt for all the boys your abuser must have hurt, but not a bit of it is yours. Please do believe that.

Much love,
Larry
 
Happenstance,

You were a child, with child thought processes. When children are hurt their first instinct is to protect themselves and/or their loved ones. That is paramount in their mind- -making it through intact- -stay silent in order to protect myself- -maybe it will all go away and I can get on with being a kid- -Tell someone? Hell NO, that might cause me to get hurt more.

I say this from personal experience. It was only when I got older that I gained the capability to reason out such things from a more adult perspective. Children just do not think that way.

Do you bear any guilt over not talking? No way, Bro.

{TRIGGERS BELOW}

When I was a child there was a particularly evil perp who tried to get to me. By that time in my life I had decided that no one was ever going to touch me again. I fought him off despite the fact that he was a large man and I was an 11 y/o boy. I fought and yelled and screamed till he decided I wasn't worth the trouble. He then put me in his taxi cab and took me way out into the back country where no one was around and proceeded to browbeat me to give him the names of other boys who he would be able to have his way with. Although he never actually threatened me verbally or physically, he was very clear in his implications that I would be harmed should I refuse. He didn't let up badgering me till I finally aquiessed to his demand and gave him some names. He went on to abuse and rape at least one of those boys.

When I remembered that episode a couple of months ago, I was devastated. I cried most of the night, and a good portion of the next day. With the help of some of the guys here I came to the conclusion that I WILL NOT CARRY HIS GUILT ONE DAY LONGER. HE DID IT AND HE CAN GO TO HELL FOR IT. I'M THROUGH WITH IT.

{Done with TRIGGERS}

You cannot carry that guys guilt Happenstance. You were a child.

Courage My Friend.

John
 
Happenstance,

I wrote quite a few paragraphs and deleted them all. In them I talked alot about the 4 perps in my life and want I didn't tell. I talked about the guilt I've felt over the years. What I wrote was to involved and I couldn't post it.

But like John, I'll say that it is their guilt and I'm not going to carry it. If you feel you must chase the perp down, then do what you have to. But don't do it out of guilt because if and when you find him you will still feel guilty. Then what will you do?

Ditch the guilt before you go any farther, IT IS NOT YOURS!!

Hang in there

Darrel
 
Walking and Derdle(and everyone else that responded): Perhaps I am being lazy. Maybe I am needing the kick in the seat of my pants to get me above that level of guilt. But I have had that guilt for a long, long time. It's not just that I did not speak up after it happened; I know I did nothing wrong then. It is when it all came rushing back at me when I was 17. I told my parents, and my father offered to find him but then decided it would be best if he didn't. My mother would have been embarrassed.

I did not pursue it then; now, almost twenty years later, I still wonder and ponder the fate of other children I have never met nor known. My train of thought now is that the only way to redeem myself of the guilt is to find him and if he is still alive make sure the sonofabitch isn't running a day care center or a school or that(God forbid) he has any children of his own.

I put his mother's name into a person search and came up with 150 matches. His brother's name pulled up over 300, and his name pulled up almost 500. Now I have to sit and find if there are any similarities in shared addresses, then hope I find something.

I think I am almost afraid to not have the guilt. Sorry for the waste of space here on self-analysis, but I am not sure I could deal without the guilt. I am trying to use it as a means to an end. But the thought of losing that emotion is scary in a psycho-dependent way. Like a security blanket. If my search comes to fruition, I am not sure what I will do. No money to travel, and I do not know if I could--strike that, I know I could face him. Maybe I like the guilt because it so much easier to deal with that than it is to deal with the humiliation.

I want my fucking childhood back. I want to not be scared for my children every goddamned day, I want to stop thinking/knowing that I failed Doe, I want to stop seeing molesters in the news and child killers in the paper and the Florida Department of Law Enforcement telling me there are 14 sex offenders living within one and a half miles of my frigging house. Am so tired of worry, I think I welcome the guilt just because it is a different emotion. Does that make sense? Or am I just fucked up?
 
Happenstance,

For over 20 years I have lived with the guilt. Always worrying more about keeping my secret(s) and healing myself. This past year I felt the need to disclose ... I also felt the responsiblity of telling to protect these other kids. This past year I choose to disclose to family and close friends. I knew that one of my friends I choose to disclose to would make an issue of me telling the authorities. Yes in telling my friend who made it an issue, I was forced to wrestle with the guilt which felt more like responsiblity. But I suppose that's what I wanted to face directly because afterall I did not have to tell him.

This past August I collected as much information as I could about my 3 perps. I called the annonymous child sexual abouse reporting hotline for the county that they live in. Over the phone I reported them as potential child abusers and in the process reported my own abuse by them. I did not have to report my own abuse, but I choose to so it would add credibility for them to investigate. I did not really have to give much details ... but again I decide to give as much as possible to add credibility.

For California the process is like this. The initial report if filed with social services. Another report is generated into the police system. The police choose to investigate. They may investigate they may not if it is only the first report. If it is the second report on someone they definitely investigate. I can not find out any information about if they investigated or any information about an investigation they conducted.

While I felt like crap during the reporting phone conversation ... I felt better afterwards. The guilt has lessened dramatically ... even a sense of empowerment ... however I still have guilt of not disclosing to my entire family ... I still have guilt for my cousins (one of my perps was a male cousin) in particular my perps children and now his grandchildren. Now that I have disclosed to my parents and told them some day I may confront my cousin and tell the rest of the family. My parents have told me that whatever I decide they are behind me 100% no matter what. I take great comfort in knowing this and remind myself that they will be there.

Happenstance and everyone else ... I wanted to throw out the annoymous reporting option, but I don't claim that the path I have chosen and the feelings that I have felt are what everyone else should do or feel ... I just wanted to say here's what I did and here's how I felt/feel.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Happenstance,

I'd like to say that there is no such thing as wasted space here, if it helps you work through things. Your posts are welcome here and can be very helpful to the rest of us here.

I wish you courage and peace,

John
 
Happenstance,

Am so tired of worry, I think I welcome the guilt just because it is a different emotion. Does that make sense? Or am I just fucked up?
Click to expand...
You make perfect sense and no, you are not fucked up. You are facing a lot of feelings and frustrations coming at you from all directions, and chasing this guy is one way to take some positive action.

Just a few suggestions? Please, please try to give up the guilt you feel for your stepson's abuse. I know it's difficult, and the way you feel shows you are a good father to him. I am sure he sees and feels that. But the guilt doesn't belong to you.

If you do pursue your abuser I hope you will take some professional advice first. Guys have posted here about very bad experiences in confronting abusers, including legal proceedings against them and being made to feel like THEY are the criminals. One does need to be careful.

Much love,
Larry
 
i have faced my abuser and i got to say i hope your ready for the overwhelming desire for revenge .if i had been alone with him i would have gone for his throat in a heartbeat .there is rage in me i didn't even know about .it scared me .if you find them you will still have to deal with the fact that they are still abusing unless they break the law what can we do ?my abuser is telling me that he is going to hurt someone and i can't do a damn thing about it . finding them may cause more harm than good .but if searching is what gets you through the night then don't ever stop .but you might not like what you find .although i don't plan to act on it there is really only one way to know for sure they can't hurt again .when they are no longer on this earth. adam
 
REVENGE VS HONOUR

The thing with revenge is that it can never be enough, to replace what you have lost. So Id rather spent my years in honouring my experience than to give any importance to the abuser. And how is that?
By making every moment of my waking hours a celebration. To make my life so complete and joyous that it would deny the abuser any sense of satisfaction. He only managed to hurt me, he couldn't destroy me. No. And I am a living proof of that.
I dont want to spend any more moments of my life thinking about him, I reclaim my life right this moment. Period.

And so when I am down and out, I tell myself, Its ok, its only a passing phase., and sure enough like a rising star, like the first dawn of the spring, my spirit rises again, and fills me up with so much new energy and joy that I am ready to face the world.

Somehow I know that each moment spent in celebrating my life becomes my most befitting revenge. ;)
 
I was raped by a E-7 whileI was in the servise
and I Have his Name The Unit that He was assigned to and the time that He was there . I have fuund unit records thatshow his name . . But the Army or the VA have ben of no help . IF you get any good leads please let me know what you find out .
 
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