Finding Myself

FormerMarine

Registrant
I haven't been on the site for over 2 years since a separation from my wife. Went back but she was worse into her drugs and then cheated. Marriage is over and I've been alone for over a year healing from the loss and abuse.
I have been bicurious for a while now but have never cheated and never explored. I recently met a guy about my age online and we met recently and fooled around but both to old and nervous for playing in the car. We are going to get a room soon and I am excited and still nervous but no longer intimidated by being vulnerable again!!! No role playing with knives unless I'm the one holding this time, lol!
I have no one to talk to about this here. My eldest daughter, where I am living until the ex and I sell our house, is my best friend now and she knows about what happened but I don't know about telling her more just now. We were once talking and I did reveal my curiosity after discussing a flashback/nightmare that I had. She got used to the others I have severe PTSD. This one I am bawling and screaming no and for my mom. That just made me cry, I'm 61!!! I became a Marine and a bit of a badass, first learning judo because I was never being hurt like that or beat by Dad and bigger kids, didn't start my growing spurt until late 17! Everyone here knows the friendly and lovable but gruff and tough former Marine that I unfortunately discovered still hides that scared little boy!!!
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
It’s hell doing the exploring in our 60s that we should have done in our teens. I blame the Perp but maybe it was truly the religious and societal homophobia of the time. Sorry your marriage like mine ended but I hope you allow yourself the freedom I did. It does lead to a bit more peace and vented off some of the nightmares and flashbacks for me.
 

FormerMarine

Registrant
It’s hell doing the exploring in our 60s that we should have done in our teens. I blame the Perp but maybe it was truly the religious and societal homophobia of the time. Sorry your marriage like mine ended but I hope you allow yourself the freedom I did. It does lead to a bit more peace and vented off some of the nightmares and flashbacks for me.
Thank you for your reply. Yes growing up in the church and I recently was still singing in the choir at my church. Also been that tough macho Marine, lol. But I have wrestled with the fact that I got hard the second time that SOB raped me, he was more gentle.
I now know it was just a physiological reaction and that some unfortunate women have orgasms when it is done to them. But then an ex girlfriend rimmed me and then gently inserted her finger while sucking on me and I had the best orgasm that I have ever experienced. I have wondered about myself ever since.
Like I mentioned before, I am blessed with my friendship with my eldest daughter but I can't fully share with my daughter and not enough men here will join in the groups started so I do feel very alone with this part of me. I do have a psychiatrist for the PTSD but we haven't broached this subject in depth. More about the latter's symptoms and the newly diagnosed Bipolar and depression.
I again thank you for your kind response, thank you!
 
Two things jumped out at me... divorce gives you the opportunity to find yourself and its hrll doing your exploring in your 60s.

Mid-50's for me and my divorce gave me the opportunity and time to explore.

The topic has been discussed with my therapist and my then wife.

The question I had stuck in my head was if I had MSM willingly, would I be reprogramming myself to enjoy the torture I went through for 9 years and multiple perpetrators? I figured that was a horrible idea.

Just over a year ago the real question and the real answer came to me. I have the power and strength to say "no" or "yes". Saying "no" was a valid option. Awhile later the saying "yes" was also valid option., my ex-wife wanted to be there for my protection and to make sure that I was doing it for the right reason and not the wrong one.

My first try was for the wrong reason and felt like it. Soon the right situation came up and with her assurances that I didn't have to, I did.

Since we divorced, I have had the freedom and time to explore... a lot.

I found that I do enjoy MSM, I also find myself doing it for another wrong reason... to distract myself from the pain of the divorce.
 

FormerMarine

Registrant
Two things jumped out at me... divorce gives you the opportunity to find yourself and its hrll doing your exploring in your 60s.

Mid-50's for me and my divorce gave me the opportunity and time to explore.

The topic has been discussed with my therapist and my then wife.

The question I had stuck in my head was if I had MSM willingly, would I be reprogramming myself to enjoy the torture I went through for 9 years and multiple perpetrators? I figured that was a horrible idea.

Just over a year ago the real question and the real answer came to me. I have the power and strength to say "no" or "yes". Saying "no" was a valid option. Awhile later the saying "yes" was also valid option., my ex-wife wanted to be there for my protection and to make sure that I was doing it for the right reason and not the wrong one.

My first try was for the wrong reason and felt like it. Soon the right situation came up and with her assurances that I didn't have to, I did.

Since we divorced, I have had the freedom and time to explore... a lot.

I found that I do enjoy MSM, I also find myself doing it for another wrong reason... to distract myself from the pain of the divorce.
Thank you for responding. I went through a similar process but didn't pursue things last summer. The pain of the separation and betrayal was still too raw. I also now have someone else to share some of this journey with.
Last week I told my eldest daughter. She knows most of what I've been through. I live with her and unfortunately when my PTSD is active I have very bad flashbacks/nightmares and she has heard parts of them and we have talked about.
Some from childhood physical abuse, the rape, poor girl has heard me bawling for my Mom, and hand to hand combat that left a knife scar across my abdomen. She's heard more about her father than she wanted to know. One big thing has changed and I'm unsuccessfully trying to hold back the tears, I have her full support and understanding. Twice she has let me know that it doesn't change how she thinks of me.
For that I am so blessed and thankful! She is my best friend since my mother passed and the only one that I have been able to share with except my brothers here. It helps to not be alone with this and even more when it is an understanding loved one like my daughter and your ex-wife, no offense to any of you that have reached out to me in the past.
I will always keep coming back here and hope to be able to finally be fully back up on my feet in my own place again moving into this next chapter of my life. Bill, first I am not up with all the slang and abbreviations but learning, lol. Don't know for sure what you were using MSM. The other question is about your wife finding out about you and if it is why you divorced. It became an issue in mine even though I was only wanting to explore with toys and she was the one that started that conversation.
Of course you need not answer!!! I've almost always been married and never cheated so I never explored. I have stayed to myself except family for the past year. Yes some of the hurt is still a little raw but this is definitely not just a distraction. I need to find out who I am and just now able to get into a potentially vulnerable situation. Just looking for the right one!
 

FormerMarine

Registrant
It’s hell doing the exploring in our 60s that we should have done in our teens. I blame the Perp but maybe it was truly the religious and societal homophobia of the time. Sorry your marriage like mine ended but I hope you allow yourself the freedom I did. It does lead to a bit more peace and vented off some of the nightmares and flashbacks for me.
Part of it was putting myself in a vulnerable situation. Couldn't find anybody willing because I refused to let go of my big knives, lol. Seriously, before was the only way I could picture me being comfortable trying. I grew up in the church so yes, I denied that part of me and buried it and many past traumas through drinking. That didn't really work. Like you that is what I hope out of this. If I do find that it's not for me it will make it easier for the meds to reduce the flashbacks or intensity for that incident. An odd thing is while this excites me those are the worst and now most frequent nightmares that I am having since making this decision and actually talking to a few men. I expect this is normal and it was similar for you?!?
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Everyone here knows the friendly and lovable but gruff and tough former Marine that I unfortunately discovered still hides that scared little boy!!!

Former Marine

I think you need to find that scared little boy and let him into your life, be a part of you. I fragmented that boy within me, buried him and thought I had locked him away for good. I was wrong, he was always with me, trying to be recognized and accepted. I could not accept him. This duality left me fragmented confused and I escaped into a dissociative world, disconnecting from me into fugues and lost time, place and person. The little boy wanted to be heard and was struggling himself for recognition and acceptance. He only knew the world of the abuse because I did not allow him to be part of me, he believed the abuser loved him. Doctors speculate that in my dissociative state and in fugue the child within took over to gain control of the abuse, to relive, reenact the abuse for it gave the child comfort and belonging. Dissociation is only beginning to be understood.

I finally found, accepted and welcomed that little boy into my life after many years of therapy, support groups and the love and kindness of many. I did not allow those that denied my abuse to be part of my life, and they did not have me as a part of their life. For me, it was what I needed to heal. People who can accept the realities of trauma. I am living a whole and not fragmented life today. What I wanted and needed became clearer and clearer as I healed. I found someone to share my journey to heal, she did not judge, she listened, she smile, she hugged and knew and learned the issues CSA causes to a survivor.

Your exploration is your exploration. I encourage you to explore as you feel the need, you may find peace, joy and happiness. Explore for the right reasons. I also encourage you to find, accept and love the little scared boy so you can be whole.

Kevin
 

FormerMarine

Registrant
Former Marine

I think you need to find that scared little boy and let him into your life, be a part of you. I fragmented that boy within me, buried him and thought I had locked him away for good. I was wrong, he was always with me, trying to be recognized and accepted. I could not accept him. This duality left me fragmented confused and I escaped into a dissociative world, disconnecting from me into fugues and lost time, place and person. The little boy wanted to be heard and was struggling himself for recognition and acceptance. He only knew the world of the abuse because I did not allow him to be part of me, he believed the abuser loved him. Doctors speculate that in my dissociative state and in fugue the child within took over to gain control of the abuse, to relive, reenact the abuse for it gave the child comfort and belonging. Dissociation is only beginning to be understood.

I finally found, accepted and welcomed that little boy into my life after many years of therapy, support groups and the love and kindness of many. I did not allow those that denied my abuse to be part of my life, and they did not have me as a part of their life. For me, it was what I needed to heal. People who can accept the realities of trauma. I am living a whole and not fragmented life today. What I wanted and needed became clearer and clearer as I healed. I found someone to share my journey to heal, she did not judge, she listened, she smile, she hugged and knew and learned the issues CSA causes to a survivor.

Your exploration is your exploration. I encourage you to explore as you feel the need, you may find peace, joy and happiness. Explore for the right reasons. I also encourage you to find, accept and love the little scared boy so you can be whole.

Kevin
Thank you Kevin. I am accepting all of me and now do see a psychiatrist regularly. Part of the journey was separating from my wife because she became abusive after getting hooked on meth bad. Spent a year mostly by myself, except the dogs, and spent time healing and continue to do so. Got smart and asked for help before I started trying to drink away again. Been a smoother process.
I was very lonely and alone the last three years of my marriage and over a year since and I crave the touch of another now. And now it is getting warmer and I am retired and the little boy says the lures and fishing poles are singing to him, lol. I'm also itching to get in my hiking boots.
Again thanks for your response and advice. Sometimes just sharing thoughts and and reading and "listening" to the feedback helps sort out the thoughts and emotions that many of repressed for years like I did.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
You became a Marine not to protect this country to be protect a little boy who was abused. You did a good job, in turn you also protected a good country and I thank you for your service. But like all good thinks you have retired. You have done your job. You are no longer a little boy. No body is going to mess with you. Except yourself. Your memories, your feelings, and your thoughts. You have to let out that little boy and talk to him and except him. Once a little is abused you can not reverse time. You have to help the boy deal with and help him understand life.

I was never in the army or the Marine but burred myself in business, run one company after an other, coming a work acholic Got married late in life adopted a child later in life. And only now at age 57 dealing with a life time of abuse. My abused started at age 5 and ended at age 16 sexually but mentally went until at least 31.

As for crying biggest mistake parents teach boys . IS Big boys don't cry. Big boys must cry. Its the only way they can deal with life on life's terms. The US Marine Teach you to be tough, to deal with anything except your feelings. You are retired so stand down. Its time to cry and let it all out. I cry daily. I cried writing this to you. I cry when I know someone else is suffering like I am. That little boy inside us all that wants to come out and be free and be with us and play with us and be a little boy again.
 

Jeremy Doe

Registrant
First off this is a really encouraging post and thank you for everyone who shared.

There were several chords that struck with me here. One of those is the boys don't cry mentality. Both of my parents were marines, and they divorced when i was like 2. Mom had a drinking problem and long story short I ended up in foster care. That's when it first happened. And it happened numerous times but I was six and I didn't say anything. To this day I still don't know why. Fortunately my Dad was able to come get me after I had spent what seemed like a long time there.

Well my Dad had a different way of raising me and first and foremost was that if we were going to cry he'd give us a reason to cry. Hindsight being what it is, that was pretty damaging. Well I eventually moved to go live with my Aunt and it happened again but this time with who i thought was my best friend. It always starts innocently enough maybe i was just a dumb 10 year old. I don't know.

But the other chord that struck was learning about being bisexual. I think I've known i was bisexual, or gay, since i was in middle school. I've had unusual proclivities but I kept those buried under everything. My dad had pretty specific expectations for his sons and not being gay was definitely one. There were a host of slurs thrown around the house and it wasn't one that I ever wanted to catch. I didn't want to be the pussy or the sissy and so i kept that part of me under wraps. There were lots of jokes made because I was the only one of my brothers that didn't play football. I didn't enjoy watching sports and aside from a brief foray into athletics as a junior, which i think i did just so I wouldn't be suspected, I was quite content not doing all the things my brothers did.

I had several crushes on boys i went to school with. I was a bit of a late bloomer so the kids in the locker room were always further along then I am. I got caught looking once and instead of fessing up to it, I started a fight. Better to be suspended for fighting then to be suspected of being gay. I told close friend of mine that I wanted to at least try it with a dude before i got married. But i ended up getting involved with her and passed off my admission as a test. We're still happily married but that's still not a part of myself that I share.

We separated for about a year and half and I needed to work through some anger and intimacy issues. It was then that I finally came to terms with what I was. And since then, it's been good. Even if it's just me being honest with myself. Now i can look and watch and not feel the shame and disgust with myself that comes with that. I've had numerous nocturnal emissions spurred on my intimate dreams of other dudes and it was all i could do not to hurt myself. I felt so ashamed. Me coming to terms with that was probably one of the biggest changes in my life and it made everything so much better.

Aside from oral activities and an almost anal, I've yet to act on my impulses. The one time it almost happened the stubble rubbed against me and it was a trigger and I freaked out and ran out of the room. I'm sure they thought I was a crazy person. I'm hopeful that this journey of reconciling my abuse with my sexuality and the subsequent denial of both was really was a lens of distortion through which I viewed the world will be a healing.

But the TLDR of it is that understanding and acknowledging my sexuality as bisexual was an profoundly integrating event. Although mine happened in my 30s, I imagine it would be in your 60s too.
 
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