Finding balance...

Finding balance...
M

Morning Star

Registrant
I was wondering today as to why I have so many run-ins run against people with authority, especially those who misuse it.
Then it came to me that somewhere I am creating this reality of mine. As I went further down, I realised that I have this presumption that people with authority will misuse it, so I am extra cautious against them. So naturally, their slightest mistakes seem glaring acts of betrayal against me and I feel greatly hurt by them.

And so I swing between these poles of extra caution and over-confidence!
Have you ever felt like that?
 
Morning Star,

I don't feel over-confident with men in positions of authority, I just assume that they will misuse their position and harm me if the opportunity arises. Betrayal, treachery, misrepresentation of what I say or do, etc. But mainly sexual harm is what I fear. Will he come on to me? What will I do if he does? Are there any obstacles between me and the door? I also fall into traps like thinking aha! Why did he say that???!!!

This is something I have been working on with some success, but still, last week I was sitting and talking with someone absolutely safe from this site, and here we go all over again. I caught myself calculating the distance to the door and thinking who would get there first, him or me. So in sum, having driven two hours to see the guy, I no sooner get inside his door than I start planning my "escape". Talk about the old crazymaker working overtime.... !

It would be great to get to a position of better balance, but my starting point is hyper-vigilance.

Much love,
Larry
 
Morning Star, I can relate to what you (and Larry) have said, except Id like to widen the field for me at least.

I have the same level of distrust and fear of being abused or come on to but its not specifically figures of authority. Its any friggin male who I see is either older than me, or triggering in some way that reminds me of my abuser. That list by the way is pretty exhaustive and only excludes about 5% of the male population.

Cant say Ive ever gone in to over cautious mode. I wont let them near enough (except you great guys in here).
 
Morning Star
Great insite - we carry so much of the trauma with us from the past that even though we know we are safe in the present, we are still afraid or distrustful.

I know I struggle with that and I have had some success with when I notice the fear rising up, I take a moment to check the reality of the present and ask myself whether I am safe. It doesn't always make the feelings go away, but it sure takes the edge off them.
 
Running for exit! Always I am, having been trapped in abusive situation for so long, Im always thinking when to leave, am I over staying or saying too much, so I end up never opening up really or think I am rambling. When would things start going wrong. Because I never realised that during my abuse. I still fear that you never know when this guy will make his next move and trap me or simply seduce me. I won't be able to say no. Even today saying yes to relationships is so so difficult because you fear them going all wrong. It is like loosing that innocenece about human connection that they also can be loving, kind n generous. Do I believe God is all that, or do I think he is something to fear?

That is the reason I cant be open to men, especially with they are good looking. The fear of me acting out or they coming on is just too great. I shrivel up in front of them or get too pleasing, which means dont say no when the boundaries are being crossed. This over confidence gets me into trouble.
This issue came to the forefront during my abuse, I wanted to say, no I am not liking it, but this voice didnt come out of my mouth for many weeks.
I still feel that I cant say no. Is that fear that I would be rejected?
 
Over Analysing
I tried years to figure out what was happenning to me, that analysed everything about me, trying to find whats wrong with me, that I wasn't loved.
And I am still analysing everything about me, as larry said, what did he mean by that, or why did he do that? This is so exhuasting, as after a public outing I find myself spending hours ananlysing every piece of evidence, what he trying to hurt me or abuse me. And sure enough I get the proof of what I am looking for what I am looking for so desparately.
I dont know what to do in order to release myself from this habit of over analysis. Because it is too tempting or too dangerous to allow things to pass unnoticed. I fear if I am over confident and relax, I would get abused. I am always on my guards. Always rushing thru things, so that I can complete them before time is up or something goes wrong. When I step out Iam ususally wondering What would go wrong today, or over analysing, what all can go wrong? and think of all the contingency plans. Plab B. Since I didnt have plan B once I think I can never forgive myself for not being prepared. So I am over prepared now, all the time.
It is like wearing layers of clothes to save myself from any trouble/ cold. Well this could also be layers of fat!

An over cautious me.
 
BREAKING AWAY FROM POWER STRUGGLE
A friend here rightly pointed out that perhaps this is an issue of control. I grew up in a very controlling environment where physical abuse was used if I ever tried to break it. SO I learned to control myself in order to save myself from beating, I control my urges to rebel, I learnt to repress my expression as self preservation, even today I rarely speak out unless I am in anger.
I STILL have to learn to say no calmly, learn my boundaries. Why cant I just say, NO I dont like it or want it, why cant I give my feeling so much importance, just because my parents didnt. So, I consider my self, my feelings and need unimportant.

Like my brother when he asks me to do something in the house, some small chore I feel totally stunned in anger. Though the thing might be so minor that I cant so no or could easily do, but inside I feel controlled. But still cant say no to him, fearing he would get upset.

Come to think of it, I too keep myself under tight leash and see in him a reflection of me. SO he is in a way making me aware of the enormous and unnecessary control I exercise on my self, so in a way he is helping me to learn to say no to myself and also respect myself more.

Like someone said: "Life becomes not what you want it to be, but what you believe it to be."
I believe so strongly that I am powerless that I am still looking for proofs of lack of power. And universe is just busy supplying me proofs. i have to stop asking for proof and get back to my root. Universe must be sick of it just like me.
I so want to become powerful on the outside and get all the external proofs of power, but inside I continue to feel powerless, just as I felt as a child. I have to change my beliefs otherwise I cant change the reality around me. And how do I change that? By embracing that powerless child within me. BY telling him, it is ok to feel powerless and that the real power lies within me as that is pure light! Light has no issue of power, it just is. It is this switch that I need to make, it is a leap of faith I need to make. Everyday.

Finally I also feel like thanking the guy with whom I had my last fight, he was just trying bring this part of me back into my focus.
Though I am having some difficulty in saying this: You were an angel sent for this heart of mine.Sorry I didn't recognise you.
 
Letting go the leash from me.

wow that is the challange in front of me! I cant trust myself on conducting myself well or misbehaving. That wont goof up or get into some kinda trouble or get hurt. I have to protect myself all the time. SO I shuttle being self repressive and allowing angry bursts or explosions. Like shuttling between shopping spree and drought Or between a diet and binge.
or when I have said enough or too much. When I am being too friendly or unfriendly and cold. Too rigid and too supple. Balance!

And Right now I feel like my over protective mom, who didn't trust me for taking care of me, like I do now, so her idea of mothering was Smothering, till I left home.
I have to stop smothering me, or my mother will continue living with me! Just like my over-critical father does.

Ok so now I have to learn to parent myself, or allow myself to grow up?

Somewhere I too forgot an important thing about love that love when not accompanied by respect becomes a controlling. Just as parenting when not accompanied with respect becomes purely a control and instead of being nurturing becomes a chore. Boy that can be pretty debilitating for a child. Obviously I had no role models in this but now it is not a good excuse, I have become my own role model for ME!
 
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