Finding a relationship?

[surfdude]

One of my lifetime goals has been to find a loving, caring relationship. Up to this point, I have failed miserably.

Quoting Hauser "I would much rather have intimacy or even just a relationship. I'm clueless where to find that now. I've actually given up seriously, they're gonna have to find me now cuz I'm sick of asking."

I feel no woman would want me after everything I've done. I think I carry more shame from my methods of coping such as crossdressing and prostitution than from the molestations.

I feel that if I never wanted a relationship, I wouldn't have so many self-esteem problems like feeling "sexually undesirable", "unmanly", etc.

Giving up has crossed my mind but it also hurts to give up a goal I cherished for so long.

This is so mixed up.

Sunny

 

[Hauser]

It probably doesn't help me that the only social circle that I've had are a bunch of college kids (co-workers) that are simply too young for me now that I'm 37. It would probably help me if I got out and met people via volunteer work or church, the former of which would be a more viable choice for my personality type. (I'm not into organized religion, I don't know why, I never ever felt comfortable there).

BUT, everything as far as a social circle for me are changing now I think. I'm about to start a position this week with much more influential people, who are also closer to my age, and I'll probably be one of the few unmarried persons working there heh. I will elaborate more about this on another post.

Sunny, I've been in the same boat as you for a lonnnggg time now. I hear you when you say that you don't want to give up. I have not really either, but the days of going to the bar in the hopes of inviting someone over to my place have long been over. Also, I don't feel that I need intimacy in my life to feel fulfilled and happy. I need love and a purpose for being here on this earth more than anything. I feel like if I make a difference in someone's life, that I will be much happier than if I "settle down" with someone.

So, in a way I have given up, but I've not foresaken the notion in entirety either.

I guess my earlier remark was a reflection of my disgust over the fact that most of the good potential wives/girlfriends were taken a long time ago by guys who were not affected by CSA the way I have, and who, by being able to finish college when they were 22 or 24 etc, were able to snag those good partners by virtue of the fact that they were "being successful".

I won't just take the best thing that comes along, that's a recepie for disaster, I would rather be alone than in an unhappy/unfulfilled/ albeit intimate relationship.

 

[roadrunner]

Sunny,

I think you will find many guys here who have acted out in many of the same ways. What's very interesting about this is that everybody sees their own acting out as incredibly shameful, while finding all sorts of reasons to cut other guys a lot of slack where THEIR issues are concerned. We are always hardest on ourselves.

You said this Sunny, and it's really important:

I feel no woman would want me after everything I've done.

But the fact of the matter is that any women you may meet will not have the slightest clue that you are an abuse survivor. And there is no reason to tell them until you feel safe and comfortable about doing so. You are not withholding essential information about you as a person, but about a terrible crime that was committed against you years ago. I personally think it's a good idea to get this out in the open as soon as possible, but that's another thread. My point is that you don't have to meet people as Abused Sunny, but rather just as Sunny.

I know you will point out how difficult that is, and you will be right. But it's difficult because you are carrying into your present the burden of shame for things that happened in the past. The abuse is certainly not your fault, and perhaps you already know that.

You talk about crossdressing and prostitution as well. I personally hesitate about whether survivors should blame themselves for things like this. After all, there are very good reasons why it happens. Perhaps I would just like to see a distinction drawn between taking responsibility, which all adults have to do, and taking blame, which is something else.

One thing that IS clear to me is that we can't change the past, not one second of it and not in any way. We have to live with it in the present for better or worse, so why not for better? Okay, you were a prostitute for a time. But that's the past. Draw a line under it, see what can be learned from this, and move on. You won't gain anything by punishing yourself for one more second over this.

Ultimately what we have to do is stop beating ourselves up over the past. What we need to do is examine the past and how we think about it to see how we can adopt healthier ways of living and thinking here and now. That's where it counts!

I know this isn't easy, and if you had asked me a few years ago I would have said "Yeah sure". But as we move forward, however slowly, we gain, in addition to everything else, the confidence to see that we, ourselves, really can do this.

And with greater confidence it becomes easier to meet people and explore the possibility of a caring fulfilling relationship with someone. This happens all the time, and certainly there is no reason to believe that real possibilities end when we are in our 20s.

As in so much of what we have to do in recovery the key doesn't lie in coping with the world, it lies in coping with how we feel about OURSELVES.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Itsback]

Sunny I am living proof that that person is out there. It took me 3 marriages to finally find her and hell I almost drove her away but she still stands true.

Dont give up man someplace the ONE is out there for everyone.

Fight the good fight

Pete

 

[WalkingSouth]

Sunny,

I have nothing to add here. I was so moved by Larry's post. That is one of the most powerful contributions I've read here in a very long time. Listen to him. He's spot on.

I wish you the best, Bro. My heart is moved with compassion to yourself and the other guys here who find yourselves in the position you describe.

Whatever you do, please know that you've made your way into our lives and you are loved simply for who you are.

John

 

[surfdude]

Thank you everyone.

Sometimes I just get down and frustrated with myself. I like it here because other people have simliar feelings as I do and I don't have to be ashamed of letting my feelings out.

The words of encouragement I get here helps a lot. I am healing, slowly but surely.

Sunny