Finally speaking out

principe

New Registrant
When I was young I was abused twice the first time it happen I was so young it was a woman didnt know it was a abuse it happened once however the 2nd person that abused me was a male he will come in my room to play PlayStation and whenever family will go down stairs he will take my game console away and start to abuse me this happen everyday because he was staying over my house for vacation but why didn’t I say anything? If I had did I probably wouldn’t be suffering from anxiety, depression, loneliness and a introvert I knew it was strange but I was confused so I went along with it cause I thought it was like a “game” if that makes sense.... once he went back home I was confused something in me got triggered sexually at such a young age I wanted to feel that feeling that pleasure so I started pleasing myself not knowing I was masturbating I didn’t know what that was being so young and watching pornography I just loved how I felt. One day I came across a video on YouTube about a girl speaking about her abuse when she start to tell her story I started to cry because I related to it soo much it was the day I discovered I was abused and my pass traumas made me who I am but I didn’t know men go through sexual abuse I thought I was the only person in the world that’s been through this so I became suicidal and kept this secret to myself because I thought people will see me as weird and disgusting I suffer with self confidence and felt disgusting and blamed myself I thought these things only happen to women base on what you see on TV rape etc I was lonely I lost my friends stayed in my room since it happen I’m a private person and not even my family can fathom what goes on with me and just have this guard over me so when I was a teen I decided to download this app to meet friends because I have no friends I met one guy not knowing he likes guys and he said he likes me so I automatically got flashbacks and I thought this is how these guys see me now a sex object because why will he say this what did he see in me so I met him and other guys to perform sexual acts on me I wanted to feel valued and liked cause I thought women won’t like me no more if they knew what I went through so I thought these men like me and this is all they see because there something wrong with me. I don’t know how to explain it till now I masturbate and it’s not in the sense I’m horny it’s like a drug since I was young and it’s ruined me whenever I feel depress it’s my coping mechanism I just want to feel that pain and disgust .... I know it doesn’t make sense but I feel alone and no one understands me what’s wrong with me?
 

Lavender Tea

Registrant
I'm gonna start this off by saying I hope any of what I'm going to try to say makes sense. Its way too late here and I have no idea if I can actually write anything coherent, but I'll try.

First of all, I'm so sorry you've gone through the things you have. I know sorry does nothing, but maybe it can at least convey to you that there are people that care. Especially here.

Secondly, none of the things you've said about the ways you cope and how you reacted seem odd at all. You can't blame yourself for any of what happened or for not saying anything. You were young and in a situation you shouldn't have been in, none of that is your fault. Though I must admit, I do the exact same thing. I wonder why I didn't seek help, why I didn't do anything about what happened, why I didn't speak up. I tend to blame myself in part for what happened because of the opportunities I had to make it stop. But I know I shouldn't. Its one of those things that's much easier said than done. But every time I tell myself, or hear from someone else, that it wasn't my fault and I shouldn't blame myself, it becomes a little bit easier to believe. I hope you can start to believe the same thing for yourself. None of what happened was your fault; do not blame yourself.

I wanted to feel valued and liked
This is a feeling I can definitely relate too. I used to, and unfortunately still tend to, see my value as dependent on other people. I know I'm supposed to see value in myself, independent from others, but I have a hard time with that.
I hope that this place will help you see your own value, it has been helping me with starting to see it, so hopefully it can help you too.

I just want to feel that pain and disgust ....
This is the feeling that honestly.. I struggle the most with. I don't like myself very much. I see little to no value in myself. So theres times where I just want someone to make me suffer, partially because I feel I deserve it and partially because thats just what I know. Sometimes its caused by me feeling like I messed up, sometimes its just because I hate myself that much more on a particular day.
I wish I had the answer on how to alleviate that feeling, but unfortunately I have no idea. The best I can do is try to remind myself that its okay to be kind to myself and that its okay to let others be kind to me too.

what’s wrong with me?
My best guess is that nothing is wrong with you. You're a person responding to trauma, and people's responses to trauma can come in so many different ways. I'm pretty sure there is no "right" way to respond to trauma, I think we all just do what we can and know in order to survive.



I hope my 2 a.m. ramble has made any sense. I don't know, but again, I hope so.
Stay strong my friend, there are lots of people here who can understand, hopefully that can be of some help to you.
 

BDD

Registrant
@principe There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

You are not alone in not speaking up. But please don't blame yourself for what happened because you didn't. When he did those things to you, you were probably overwhelmed. As an adult I can't speak when I am confused. We can't expect a child to find words. Sex is a powerful phenomenon, there are reasons it's taboo for children. It's to complicated of an experience to process. Everything you described is absolutely normal under the circumstances. I wish you were never abused. But know that it and it's aftermath are no fault of your own.

I hope you are able to stop holding yourself responsible for how it affected you. I would rather see you recognize the incredible job you have done holding yourself together. Take that strength and rebuild yourself.
 

BMB

Registrant
@principe

Everything you said makes sense.
You are not alone with that - many of us here went or are going through similar loneliness, anxiety, sexual compulsion and depression.

Just showing up here and be able to share what you went through and the consequences of them is a big step. It's a sign you are brave and are willing to break free from the prison of trauma.

As the guys said above, there is nothing inherently wrong with you.

The way you, myself, and other guys here react is a consequence of the traumas we went through. It is not who we are - it is something that was caused by others on us.

The willingness to feel valued and liked that you mention is something healthy and legitimate.
We all want to be seen, heard, loved, and feel connected.

What happens with sexual abuse survivors is that we may look for that in a not healthy way. In this process, we tend to reproduce, reenacting what happened to us.

What happened is not our fault. We were a child. And because of that we, survivors, ended up under the power of cope mechanisms that were not the best ones.

But we can break the cycle.
And to acknowledge our own condition and look for any kind of support is a decisive step. And you started to give this step.

Slowly, with time and proper support, we can apply some actions, take some attitudes, and we will be able to start to manage ourselves and our emotions in a healthier way, and not under the power of the traumas we suffered.
 
@principe

Please stay with us. It took great courage to share what you write above. Confusion and shame are very much a part of sexual trauma in its many guises. It isn't easy to talk about it, but you did. Blessedly, you've found a place where you can speak these truths and be listened to without judgment. This is a place where we can get support for our lives. Carrying the residue of trauma is hard work and tends to be very lonely. But it doesn't need to be that way. You're not alone with this any longer. Men here will listen and support you on your healing journey. You've taken the first step by introducing yourself AND telling us what happened. Please understand that nothing that happened before, during or after the trauma is your fault. Hang it with us. This is where healing can happen, with men who know this territory from first hand experience... the men who've written above. We can break the cycle.
 
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