finally self-acceptance

finally self-acceptance
cosmos

cosmos

Registrant
Finally after all these years I am able to accept myself as I am; GAY!!!

I always thought I was reluctant to accept myself because of others; but really it was me. I know nothing before abuse so my only reference point was the abuse. How could I like what was done to me how could I rationalize that I want to be with guys when everything I knew told me that my abuse was wrong that I wasnt supposed to like it. Stockholm Syndrome! I not only accept the notion that Im gay but also accept that a part of me was co-opted and still longs to be with him, but another part of me hated myself so badly, I knew that he made me gay that I was born like every other man on the planet and thought about nothing less than screwing every girl on the planet. Its why I grew up wishing I was a girl then my attraction to guy would not just be ok socially but ok inside, no problems here? FF to remembering my abuse the disconnect finally of my damaged self little c that I was able to look back on my life and realize its why I cut myself of from sex to a degree, I was a guy and like other guys but how could you like what was done to you? See Ive agonized over this my entire life and not until I remembered my abuse did I also realize that for my own mental health I had to accept that I was born gay and nothing can change it; heck even if my abuse made me gay does it matter? Ill always remember his implication that he abused me since birth so maybe its just imprinting but does it matter? For the first time in my life I know true inner peace, finally peace from the abuse, peace that Im gay. And just finally peace! I no longer see the world as a frightening place filled with enemies but a world where I think most people are truly good and the real animals out there are the exception. I just had to accept who and what I am, accept what was done, forgive those so that I could move past all those who violated my trust.

Several years ago I was in a car accident that left my faith in machines in taters; I lost the only mental stability I had. It unhinged me in a way I never anticipated, in an act of desperation I started using both salvia and synthetic cannabinoids, it led me to re-experiencing my first conscious memory of my first remembered rape, although at the time I had no idea what it was I used to have the same nightmare for years as a kid. 9 months later in the very city that it took place in I remembered it all, I was inconsolable! I was still working on the road at that time I didnt realize yet that I was psychotic, that my actions were those of a man whose psyche could handle no more! I quit my job in July of 13 moved from New Hampshire to Washington, found a place right on the Hood Canal, proceeded to just hang out and heal thine-self. Unlike those that see mj as a tranquilizer I see it as a key to your mind, it allows you to ask yourself questions about yourself without the intrusion of emotions, it allows you to suspend judgment, let your thoughts float to the heart of matters, rather than dulling the senses it allows you to really know yourself, to stop lying to yourself to finally be able to look at yourself without any layers of distrust or misconception. It allowed me to suspend self judgment long enough to look at myself critically, realize that no matter what Im a good person that despite all my flaws all my misdeeds that I am truly repentant on and have truly dedicated myself to making this a better world, a world where maybe someday what I and others have experienced will no longer be a concern, where it will be seen as another forgotten remnant of our stone age ancestors just like religion and god and other inventions of man to explain what our puny brains can perceive. Where all fictitious superstition is a thing of the past, where the light outshines the darkness of ignorance and misunderstanding where the sociopaths no longer control our intertwined destiny.

little c & chris finally able to co-exist, working together, going forward, the skys the limit!!!
 
Congratulations! You did it!!!!!! You accepted yourself as God made you...............A Gay Man.................

Stand proud and tall for your courage!
 
Hi Chris thanks for sharing the good news,

Its a great step for those of us who are gay, self-acceptance is a must and can be an extra challenge for LGBT survivors.

It makes no difference about nature/nurture, born or made to me, it is unalterable for me and I am glad I accepted that fact when I did. There was a time I desperately wanted to not be who I was, but now I would not change being gay, it would mean loosing the only person I ever truly loved who loves me in return.


Congratulations on your courage, I wish you all that is good in this new phase of your life.

My favourite line, "little c & Chris finally able to co-exist, working together, going forward, the skys the limit!!!"
 
Hi Chris,

I'm happy you are finding some peace with who you are. My parents are pretty sick people, not to the outer world, but their inner worlds are quite damaged. And, it's not that they don't intend good things, they both survived with I imagine were very damaging family lives.

At age 53 I began to remember sexual abuse and physical abuse from my father. At 63 I began to remember sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture from my mother. The idea of SSA vs. gay never occurred to me until I joined MS last September. After wrapping my mind around all the possibilities, I'm still clear that I am gay, and have always been. I'm from a different generation than you, and the cultural and religious taboos about being gay were a little less relaxed. I'm so happy for young gay men today who seem to be much more a part of main stream culture than the rural southern U.S. I grew up in.

What I have figured out, for me, is that while gay, I do have massive SSA damage issues associated with the brutal sexual experiences of my father in infancy and early childhood. He probably raped me at age 8 also, but that is still blocked. I guess I wanted to share this to emphasize early damage can be kind of complicated. So much of it, for me, rises to the surface through my form of body memory, and then it can take sometimes many long years to reach the feelings. Getting to the feeling level of infant and early childhood is an indirect experience for me and happens oh so slowly. And, for me I sense the damage my father did to my ability to have satisfying sex with men will only heal as I am able to move through these early feelings. There is so much that I believe and know to be true for me that I am unable to live because of my early damage. I have an inner persistence, thankfully, but it is a slow process for me.

Best of luck to you.

Don
 
Very cool.

I am happy for you. It takes courage to own who we are, gay or straight.
 
[size:17pt]C[/size]osmos!

[size:17pt]N[/size]ot so fast. There are some forms to fill out before you get the actual membership card ;)

[size:17pt]S[/size]eriously, though, gay or straight, we've all been through an incredibly disorienting experience that messed with the very core of our developing sexual identities.

[size:17pt]F[/size]or so long, I, too struggled with identity, with SSA vs truly gay, etc - and I even thought that if I was gay, my abuser made me that way, so acting on it meant he won. My heart hurts for those still living in that hell of self-denial. Life is too short, and the greatest tragedy must be to come to the end of it and realize you never really lived it.

[size:17pt]T[/size]he greatest victory over our abusers is simply stopping the fight within ourselves that ultimately our abusers set up. The questions I asked may never be answered, but it is enough for me to know that I grew around him the way I had to. By accepting myself for who I had to become did not mean I was accepting the man who may have trained my branches to grow that way - it meant instead that I was taking full ownership of myself, and kicking him the hell out.

[size:17pt]C[/size]ongratulations!
 
Hey Eric

That is a scary avatar that sends a really strong message to the person you survived. You know we've been following each other's progress but I can't seem to get all those dickheads together to dump them especially when I was one of them.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
This has been so uplifting and inspiring to read!! Good for you cosmos, I have so much pride in men like you! :D Welcome to freedom!!

p.s.- is it just me, or does anyone else here feel that dealing with the breakdown over our sexual abuse and/or also accepting our identities as non-straight men was also a great catalyst for seeking out an overall healthier mental well-being and life philosophy??
 
Hey JayBro

I'm still dealing with my breakdown but I don't think that because I'm gay is a reason for seeking out help I think it's more like wanting to find a reason, besides my wife's health, to not want to pull my plug for what I did.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
Interesting. I think for me, I accepted that I was gay when I was 11 or 12 and it inspired me even then to want to understand those in society that the mainstream didn't largely accept, and to not judge others for their differences. I think it made me also more sensitive to injustices. I had also heard of men married to women and then coming out later in life and the troubles that caused them, and I knew from that early age that I wanted to be honest, upfront, and not take a life path of denial which would lead me to make difficult decisions like that.

The fallout from my sexual abuse occurred 2.5 years ago when I was 20. I see it as a re-birth of sorts, and while it has been tough and isn't done yet, I am so thankful that I experienced it because it changed my life for the better.
 
jd123 thanx for the undeserved accolades!


Rustam the whole injured psyche inside is just sooooo schizophrenic its not even funny; but so necessary for healing, I never wanted to confront myself I lacked the courage to admit what was done that I was damaged, that it was nothing I did or could do to change the outcome of where I came from to just except what was done and move on, but I couldnt until I not only acknowledged little c but the brutal damage he suffered (me) and move on.


don64 exactly! I also have to admit my damage to see my limitations, cause you cant climb the mountain if you cant see it? It allows me to see all my faults and damage. I can definitely agree with you about sex, I had no idea what it was like to say no to sex until recently; I met with a customer that happened to be a female CIO at a major aggregate company; this was an initial consult so there was a lot of potential work here. Needless to say I almost failed to realize she was hitting on me big-time; I was so nervous; I hadnt let myself feel this type of attention in a long time, I had forgotten how good it felt, to be desired, to be wanted, to feel a connection to another person. It felt wrong, how could anyone ever be interested in me? Why would a women waste her time on me? Im damaged! Im Gay! We ended up getting the work and I luckily didnt have to say no during our short 3 day professional engagement but I always wondered what exactly was said behind the scenes? My account manager mentioned once or twice about Doris really being impressed? This was a major reason why I think I remembered, I saw a glimpse from someone that maybe I wasnt this horrible person that maybe it was ok to think good things about myself. I never wanted or asked for my abuse it wasnt my fault, there was no way could I perceive any of this correctly how could I? Ill never know a life without sex, my earliest memories; SEX; and even though most of my life I knew love=sex, and finally I know so much more and there is so much more to life then sex and that relationships cant be built on it either. See Im ok with where Im at; for the first time in my life I feel ok!

Understanding my limitations was a major thing for me, I realized very early that it was not possible to talk to anyone about what I endured, there was no way that I would be able to ask for help that I would have to do this on my own, for me anyway professional help was not an option. So I had no choice but to handle this like every other part of my life, on my terms, at my own pace, I would have to continue this myself, I knew my options were limited to this website and to what I could figure out on my own, just like every other thing Ive ever done with no one to lean on no one for support just me. For the first time I listened to what I felt to what I thought, knew that what I was involved with was not for me any longer that I needed to make changes not just inside but outside, both with my personal and professional relationships. I had to trust myself, to let go, to face myself and the world without any subterfuge.
Yes I am younger then you, I did grow up in that horrible pit of southern hell called Atlanta so I am very aware of their feeling towards anyone not white and christian, heck I grew up in a time when a black man was shot dead in Forsyth county just for being there after dark, am IBM employee at a company picnic, real hate! No way was I gay! or an atheist, just a regular white guy nothing to see here move along.


Thanx OTF!!!


Eric as usual you ask the real important questions, questions Ive asked myself countless times; some of them will never be answered, but does it matter, I know I dont really care anymore about the hows or whys, Im just trying to keep it together just a little while longer.
Understand that my first consensual sex was with a boy (same age as me) when I was 15 initiated by me, but as I look back I realize that if I had been in a different environment things could have been so different for me. FF to 17 and understand that I was groomed and abused by a female vice-principal, and in my struggle it occurred to me at the time that I wasnt gay.
See just like my abuse it was right there the whole time, right under the surface, right at the edge of consciousness, just I never could admit to myself either, who wants to admit to oneself the atrocities done to me, to admit that the possibility exists that my abuse might have contributed to my sexual attractions; so I always kinda just said I was bi, but I knew I was just lying to myself because if could accept that I was gay then I would have to deal with the abuse, and until recently there was no way I could.
Recently I had come to terms with it (abuse)but there was more, I had to admit that guys do it for me that women are just ok, just astonished what the human mind can rationalize what it feels is required for survival and acceptance, the world is a rough place. I turn 47 this year and I know how hard it would have been for me be myself in the 80s I cant imagine how hard it was for guys dealing with this in the 50s-60s wow! While the lack of societal acceptance was a part of my denial it was really that I could never confront myself accept myself as who I am, its called self-censorship and Ive been a master of it for all my life. While I understand the survival side of self-censorship in me at least as a gay survivor of incest and rape it came naturally, keeping quiet was part of the indoctrination, no one is to know , no one is to be told, everything you are doesnt exist, that is what my grandfathers abuse instilled in me. If that wasnt enough what about my grandmothers absolute rejection of me. I realize even my father was such a p.o.s that I only have 3 good memories of him; twice he bought me some 25 something out of a gumball machine, and maybe this is only in my own mind but the last time I saw him about a month before he died he tried to apologize, heck he even mentioned his father, delusional, let alone his betrayal of me when he found out about me and his father. I dont even know what the adults even knew, did they know about him raping Beca too, or was I the sacrificial lamb no he never touched her! My poor cousin shes 9 months older than me, shes struggled with drugs marriages and just life in general, she still lives at home, I wish I could talk to her to tell her it would be ok just like I used to, just I havent spoken with her for 35 years. See I think I got really mixed up here about sex too, in addition to raping us individually, he used to beat one of us until the other met his demands, there is such an adult form of love in me towards her, I think its just the male need to protect the women but we used to cry for each other, we used to sit on the porch an arm around each others shoulders, and sit in silence, no words, just peace for a few seconds, his fists were right around the corner, he was the one everyone hated yet it all rolled down on us, and me most of all her older sister would do anything do deflect his anger towards us and me specifically. How could your own mother let the beatings go on? How could she be my mother? O ya mom the bruises the burns everything was because I was just a clumsy child right, just like him raping me its all my fault, right?
See I still want to hold her and tell its ok, yet I feel so powerless to even talk to her, I remember the last time I saw my cousins they asked me what I remembered about him and of course I said nothing; I think everyone especially the adults thought it odd that I never could remember anything prior to moving to the suburbs. My life didnt start until I was out of his grasp. However it wasnt over; my parents would let me see them(my grandparents) right up until he died, heck they even left him alone with me, and as far as they are concerned nothing happened yet I remember otherwise, we had just moved to Pensacola and my grandparents were visiting and I was watching grandfather connecting cable tv when out of nowhere he said, paraphrasing here; Im going to fuck the hell out of ya! needless to say before they left everyone went out except me and him and yes true to his words he raped me one last time. All this forgotten every bit of it gone yet right there I grew up in the aftermath of all those damaging deeds he did to me, how can I blame others for inaction when it his doing alone that shattered my world, people have horrible parents like mine but without the sexual abuse its just not the same, yet how do I know, Ill never know a life without rape or sex, just speculation.

It brings me to the recent past as an international IT consultant, it just became unsustainable for me the incident with Doris the realization that the company I worked for was unbelievably homo-phobic they ran off 2 great girls, they just happened to be lesbians, and at the same time I couldnt travel anymore and knew that after the Doris incident things had changed ever so slightly amongst those that knew, I saw my projects getting more admin (project management) then technical, not my forte.


Jeff I so understand what you mean about a special relationship with a women, such is mine with, my wife, Ill never understand it, yet I dont think its required, I think Ive found a companion, both of us have damaged pasts and real love is un-important caring, acceptance and trust are, everything that was missing from my early life. Its not acceptance of anything less then what you want its like getting just what you need, just enough to stay grounded to be ok with everything to get by. It took me almost 30 years of being with my wife to realize that our relationship was not sexual, we engaged in sex but its not part of why were together. I asked her years ago if she was attracted to girls, her response was no, but when I told her last winter that I was attracted to guys the first thing out of here mouth was something lesbian porn. See its why were together? Ill never understand it and have given up trying.
Like I wrote earlier understanding your limitations is the first step in overcoming them so I now see myself as I am a gay man with no hope ever to be able to act on it, not because of desire but because at this time I am not ready, just because I accept the abuse and my orientation does not mean Im ready for the next step, I never thought I could have the peace I have today I never thought I could ever see a future for myself, I was never able to see myself as a good person. I understand what its like to see others in pain because you wont perform sexually, I know the dichotomy that sets up in you, I know what its like to hurt people, Ive stabbed a guy, a beat a guy with a hammer, nothing to be proud of just things happen when youre a kid, I was also a grade A bully, because I myself was bullied, none of this is something to be proud of yet the world of children is so screwed up for some of us just the fact that we live and breathe is a miracle. There was a post in the main board about how early you tied to kill yourself, I didnt reply because Ive never actually tried, but as far back as I remember I did crazy things, things I should not have survived. But for some reason Im here, stopped asking why after I remembered, it didnt matter anymore, the only thing that mattered and not in a selfish way was me, figuring me out, fixing me, finding peace.



All understand that if I was a man of faith Id be the most devout believer in the world, but sorry Ill never see it like that. Just the fact that I survived till I was 18 is a miracle, Ive totaled vehicles including a 1ton truck and survived without a trip to the hospital, I survived the worst submarine captain ever, I survived grandfather (el diablo)! I have a lot to be thankful for, I even want to see the next sunrise, last year at this time all I could think about was him, my pain, and how to end it; planned my own suicide.
Heck even professionally things have worked out, remote rural New Hampshire is not the hotbed of job opportunity so I moved to metro Seattle last May and quit my job without a replacement. Just as I was doubting myself and my decisions, suicide by then was out of the question I nailed the technical interview for a job in my specialty, needless to say again I got lucky and landed the job, its in Portland but it allows me to work remotely so for right now I can walk out of my living room and eat oysters strait of the beach while sit here working.
The reality is however that I spent the last 10 years traveling internationally to work, 10 years in the same field, 10 years of seeing the evolution of networking, years of planes and rental cars, being stuck in PA and having to go to the local strip club to buy a six-pack, Im a serious drunk, but going to a distributor and buying a case just sucks when your only there 1 night. Spending the night in MSP because of a missed connection thankfully it wasnt PHL! So not only did I have the time in, I also managed to get those magical pieces of paper that say I know something; reality was that I was actually overqualified for the job. So no there is no divine intervention, there is no deism here just hard work, and being there. Call me ignorant but how can rational people not see its them that cause the reality of this world, not some meta-physical consciousness that causes all this strife and hate on our planet, its people that hate, its people that kill, its people that rape kids, people! Its taken a long time for me to internalize what I figured sometime living in grandfathers house; I am the only one who can help me! I am the only one I can trust, the only one who has never let me down! Finally I like me, a lot, I like where I live, I like where I work, and am happy to be alive!


JayBro thanx for the kind words, the reason I posted this is because Ive struggled with this my entire life; how could I be the only one to stuck in this predicament; how could I be the only one struggling to realize there true identity, to echo what others have said here is that it was really hard for me to overcome the fact that I was gay because of the abuse, admitting that the acts aroused you, espoused you to your sexuality at such an early age, yet to grow up in a world where being gay was not just socially acceptable but that your family would have disowned you for it. See if we were all free to just be ourselves without the judgments and preconceived notions of others the world might not be such a bad place. See thats part of it too, being able to see the positive, not living in fear or denial of oneself, letting go of all the hate, especially the self-hate.

JayBro said:
I am so thankful that I experienced it because it changed my life for the better.
Click to expand...

Just wow!!!

Chris

Thanx guys for responding, sorry it took so long to reply, been busy lately.
 
Hey Cosmos

I thought I was the only crazy guy that was married but had a hard time explaining to people that it was not sexual. I never told my wife that I was gay although it doesn't seem you did either, just that you had an attraction to men. How did she react to that aside from "something lesbian porn". Why would she say that as opposed to "something gay porn"? I don't think that I would at this time ever tell my wife that I was gay, I don't think it really matters. I have found a companion, like you mention, and I'm happy with that.

I was pushed into my marriage because the guy I was working for when I got out of the USAF (age 22) said I need a wife. I kept rejecting girl after girl, year after year, until he said enough do you like her or not (met her 3 times) I said she seems OK, 5 weeks later I was married, I was 26. That was 37 years ago (WOWweee :grin:), 6 kids and 13 grandchildren later. I have no complaints.

In high school I was alway bullied but I realize that I was also very gay looking, remembering now what my friends and others told me back then. I never became a bully but that I think was because of the sports I was active in and now that I know that I was very feminine acting. All the years I hid I never thought of that but it helps me explain a lot.

Yes, I tried suicide twice when I was 14-1/2 in 10th grade. Suicide is usually never only one straw that breaks the camel's back but rather the last one. The two attempts were governed by the year I was sold to the movies, a year in hell. I had started the movies just before the the end of my 9th grade year. The last straw for my first attempt was being stripped naked in the high school lunchroom by a couple of senior bullies. The second attempt was after an abduction in the Village where I was raped and beaten for two (???) days just a month before my 15th birthday.

WOW! thanks for that post, it makes me feel a little bit more normal and human. I see I'm not the only one in the world with the exact same feelings towards his wife.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
have a party, a love in with everyone invited :grin:

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
Each time, when she stopped, she told me I had to have kids and love her because what she was doing was what I needed. Mosaic 46XXY/47XYX intersex, I was lost life and not the reality of the image she wanted: blonde, male, a father-to-be. I am a survivor of myself, it seemed... I wish her Dead.
 
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