Finally said

[Someone]

I've never told anyone not even a therapist, what sometimes really gets me in a particularly bad thought spiral, both angry and sad, which makes me want to deaden my emotions, one thing the Ts wouldn't understand, even if they've heard it before. The guy who followed me home got mad. That's not shocking. What bothers me makes me feel stupid and sick is this, I gave him what he wanted. No real fight after my flight, I learnt to do that as a boy. I said no, but I gave him what he wanted anyway. I was afraid for my life. But so what? Yet worse for me, how am I supposed to tell a T that it bothers me, causes me not to sleep some nights, is that he didn't enjoy what I could do. Inadequate and stupid, I'm bothered by his enjoyment? Why does it bother me that I couldn't please the worst person that has come across my path?

 

[Induna]

@Someone You tried to avoid him then you were caught. You were afraid and capitulated. Once you capitulated you fell back into an old pattern, one you were used to. You tried to please him so he wouldn’t hurt you. You wanted him too like you so he wouldn’t want to hurt you. It’s what we do when we are kids and that’s the behavior you fell back on. It sounds perfectly normal to me.

Now you focus on something to blame yourself for, one emotion out of many but one that makes you responsible in some way and ashamed so that you will never tell, maybe so that you will never have to look too closely at other memories and feelings. There is no shame in any of this. You are worried your therapist won’t think well of you, will hurt you, so you want to please them, too. Any therapist worth their salt will understand all of this immediately. They will have seen it before. They will understand what you are going through.

I want to thank you for sharing what you are most ashamed of with us. I know it wasn’t easy and it took a lot of courage. Many of us are rooting for you.

 

[.aseity]

when reading about abuse alot of times we also read of control. the man who stalked you back to your room and raped you took that control away from you, and for whatever reasons he was angry.

it was kind of similar for me when my room was broken into. one of the men said aloud to the others "if he moves of wakes up stab him" which i guess may have been meant to instill fear into my mind that if i fought or resisted i would be hurt or killed.

so with every ounce of my own control i did not move more than clenching my fist or burying my face, and it took a turn where this too made them angry. they punched me and pulled on my hair because i was not cooperating. i ended up just letting go of everything and let them use me as they took turns raping me in the ass and shoving their cock in my throat.

there was no right way to get raped, and everything was wrong. it was their anger. their anger did not belong to us. we didn't give them that anger.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi @Someone (((HUGS)))

It's a sad commentary that way too often we blame ourselves for being a victim, when the reality is the attacker should bear All the emotional turmoil. It's just an added burden that somehow we blame ourselves for trying and failing to please him. Your courage in briefly telling your story is to be commended, and may this be another significant step in your healing.

 

[Someone]

Thank you @Blueogone, and @.aseity.

I want to thank you for sharing what you are most ashamed of with us. I know it wasn’t easy and it took a lot of courage. Many of us are rooting for you.

@Induna I appreciate your words, especially in these trying times for me, and I want to thank everyone who has my back.

 

[Curiouspaints]

I've never told anyone not even a therapist, what sometimes really gets me in a particularly bad thought spiral, both angry and sad, which makes me want to deaden my emotions, one thing the Ts wouldn't understand, even if they've heard it before. The guy who followed me home got mad. That's not shocking. What bothers me makes me feel stupid and sick is this, I gave him what he wanted. No real fight after my flight, I learnt to do that as a boy. I said no, but I gave him what he wanted anyway. I was afraid for my life. But so what? Yet worse for me, how am I supposed to tell a T that it bothers me, causes me not to sleep some nights, is that he didn't enjoy what I could do. Inadequate and stupid, I'm bothered by his enjoyment? Why does it bother me that I couldn't please the worst person that has come across my path?

Struggling with these memories as I type this