Finally got a T

Finally got a T
M

martin

Registrant
Hello all,

Well I finally took the plunge and made an appointment with a therapist. He seemed to a good deal of experience with SA and a fair amount of experience with male SA. He doesn't specialize in the subject but this being a rural area I knew it would be hard to find a specialist.

Think that his initial goal is a good one; to go from being a victim to a survivor outlook. Sounds very reasonable.

The one thing that maybe ify is that he says he stresses a cognitive behavioral approach. We'll see though.

The appointment isn't for a couple weeks, but will let you know how it goes.

What I would really like to do is find a group. Anybody have any suggestions how to find one or what type to look for?

thanks and take good care,

Aaron
 
Aaron,

Congrats on getting the T. Sounds like you found someone good. I hope you're able to work well together.

I'm 40 miles outside of Washington DC and I haven't been able to find a therapist led group for straight male survivors. I thought I hit the jackpot with a group in DC last week, but then I found out it's for gays, and exclusively so. Can't say I blame them for wanting that, with reactions like what Jim and Don described here in the last couple days.

I still have the SIA, Survivors of Incest Anonymous, meetings once a week. Don't know what the chances are for finding one wherever you are, but you could start looking by asking at siawso.org. The meeting I go to is mixed, male and female, but it's been very helpful to me. It's 46 miles from home, door to door, but compared to doing without that's not bad at all.

Good luck.

Joe
 
Aaron, Joe, and anyone else....
If you come across a therapist you think is competent, please ask him/her to list on the professional resource directory here. Also, tell any therapist, especially ones who need to learn more, to come to the conf. Ditto for survivors.

Enough plugs...
Ken
 
Aaron,

What a great step for you to take! I'm happy that you have found a therapist to work with. I know that my therapeutic experience is a god send for me.

The only advice I could imagine trying to give you would be from my own experience. And that would be to give up on preset expectations of certain results and instead make your well-being the number one priority in your relationship with your T.

Give yourself lots of room to make mistakes and lots of room to get angy, upset, pissed off, happy, attracted to him, hate him and generally have all the human emotions that connect us to other humans.

It's your time, it's your money, he's there just for you. Just show up and be as honest as you can and it will be great.

Cagnitive behavior? Does that mean that we learn to cogitate about how we act? Sounds pretty fundamental to me. I'd go for that personally over some flavor of the month new theory.

The main thing is that you're willing to take this step and risk new behavior now because you are learning to value yourself and desire more for yourself. Wonderful!

Please do come back and let us know how you're doing. It's an exciting journey we're on as we begin to open up and recover from the sexual abuse that has marred our lives.

Sharing the journey makes it even more fulfilling.

Thanks, Aaron for sharing your good news.

Take care!

Your brother,

Danny
 
Aaron
my 'book' says that cognitive therapy is - "that what the client believes about the things he or she does and about the reasons for them can be as important as the doing of them"

It's the basics of seeking the reasons of why and how we do what we do. Don't fear it.

As for finding a group, well I think that group work should follow some one to one work.
And as you do that maybe your therapist will put you in touch with other abused men and a group will form.
That's what happened for me, and I'm in a rural area.

Maybe as you go along you will gain the confidence to go out and find the guys to start a group, it's not unusual for us survivors to suddenly find ourselves thinking "I can do that"

And you know what ? we can as well !

Dave
 
Hi Aaron, EMDR and Cognitive Behevioral Therapy have made a huge difference in my life. EMDR sounds like a gimick, I went into it planning to expose it as a fraud. But it has done marvels for me. For someone else, it might not work.

CBT challenged me to think differently about lies I had been told and "tapes" I insisted on playing in my mind.

InCBT we talked about some feeling that we had, what the situation was when we had it. Then the therapist asked all the reasons we could think of as to why that wretched thought made perefect sense. Then asked how we were feeling and put it on a scale of 1 to 10.

Next, we had to give all the reasons why the thought it is not and could not be true. We were made to really work at this and not just say that there are none. Then we would almost invarialby have a shift in the way anyone of us were thinking an feeling.

A personal 1on 1 T used it as well every time I talked of some negative thought or feeling. Today, I recognise thinking that just is not realistic, and I can feel lots better about myself.

I hope that it works for you. But, if a person is a good therapist, they are such a help no matter what method they use.

Bob
 
Congratulation,to take this step at helping yourself. I just get therapist last month, but already, I feel some stronger. I still have some doubt of self, but I do some things to help myself that I would not be able to a month ago. I do not know what it means, the 'cognitive behavior' therapy. As for the group, do you mean group of other survivors, or only male? I do not know that I could handle to be at either right now, that sounds as a bold step at me. I wish you luck to find what you think will help.

Leosha
 
Thanks all for your good advice and support. I'll keep it in my mind for my first appointment.

Aaron
 
Think that his initial goal is a good one; to go from being a victim to a survivor outlook. Sounds very reasonable.
Click to expand...
That's exactly what my T told me in my first appointment. I think I'm still a looooong way from that, we didn't even started to discuss my SA, but I also feel stronger since I begun my sessions.

Good luck!
 
This is my first post here. I don't know how often I will post. this is quite unnatural to me.
I have spent my entire life not talking about any of this with anyone. but i thought this would be a good place to start.

I first began to see a therapist last year about this time.

I did it because my relationship with my wife was falling apart....and i couldn't figure out why. I had told her of my sa when we were engaged, but we never really talked about it afterwards. I had also told her of my fear that people will withdraw their love from me if I don't do what they want....
I never put these things together. My wife told me that I needed to see a counselor to deal with whatever was going on inside my head, or our marriage would be over.

I didn't really want to go. but I had to....
I don't know how much that "therapist" really helped me...i didn't see her for long because we moved. but just going and begining to talk about how i was feeling inside finally helped me see.

It never dawned on me that the reason i shut down in stressful situations, the reason i kowtowed to the demands of my mother/coworkers/friends/family (really anyone other than myself), the reason i bottled up all my anger/anxiety/emotion,....all of this was related to my sa and the response (or lack of one) from my parents.

After we moved, I stopped going for 6 months. Again, I didn't think that the therapist really helped me all that much. But this summer I became very depressed. After nights of non-stop nightmares, "I" decided that i would find another therapist.

I have only been a few times, but it seems much better. Not that there was anything wrong with the first one, but, it wasn't "me" that was going. I was just doing as I was told by someone else for fear that they would leave me. now I am going on my own, because I am ready to finally figure out how to deal with my emotions.
 
ntto
it wasn't "me" that was going. I was just doing as I was told by someone else for fear that they would leave me.
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Sometimes, thats exactly how I feel. I first came here because my gf asked me to do so; I went to therapy because everybody else was going to and I felt so pressured; I didnt want to take any drugs but I had to

I know in the end everything I was forced no, not forced, Id say pushed to do make me feel much better, but still

Its good that you are able to make decisions by your won.
 
it wasn't "me" that was going. I was just doing as I was told by someone else for fear that they would leave me. now I am going on my own, because I am ready to finally figure out how to deal with my emotions.
Click to expand...
That's why it works !

Dave
 
My only lament is that I let SA rule my life for 40 years after it happened at Military College.

You see I did not need a therapist or a psychiatrist. There was nothing wrong with me. I was fine it was the rest of the world that was totally screwed up. I used every lousy coping skill that pushed me further and further into the Pit. At 56 I pushed myself into therapy. I think that was because the teenager in me was terrified of the consequences if I did not do it. He wanted to live and my shadow did not really give a damn one way or the other.

It is too late to recover those years of existing but I am determined to make the best of the time left to me.

For years I was terribly good a putting myself down and now I am learning to give myself a good swift kick in the ass ( figuratively not literally) and I welcome those boots that I on occasion get here from my brothers.
 
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