Finally giving up sex

[Strangeways]

I realized this morning that sex, for me, is a drug - not much different from cigarettes or heroin. It consumes me and my life, and it's time to go cold turkey.

9 times out of every 10 I try to have sex with my wife, I fail. Miserably. It makes us both miserable. That 10% of the time that it "works" is simply not worth the pain I put us through and that I inflict on myself.

I realized that if it was literally anything else in my life that I tried and failed to do 90% of the time, I would just conclude I wasn't much good at it and stop doing it. Therefore, it's time to stop.

I will broach the topic carefully with my wife of course, reminding her how bad it's been trying to have sex lately and wondering if maybe it just wouldn't be better to take it off the table for now. If she agrees to that, and I don't see why she wouldn't, I'll bring up the possibility of taking it off the table permanently.

It would feel so liberating interacting with her and NOT wondering in the back of my mind, each and every moment, when we're going to have sex again, how I can get her to have sex again, and whether or not I'm going to screw it up completely like usual.

Thoughts? Suggestions on making this as painless as possible?

 

[wgrrcb]

Sex is kind of like any other bodily function. There's a way to do it in a somewhat healthy manner. Cutting it out completely seems like it would be kind of terrible. If you're unable to have a bowel movement 90% of the time, for example, you probably aren't going to decide to stop doing it all together. Instead, you would most likely try to find solutions to increase the percentage.

Stuff isn't going to work or isn't necessarily going to be enjoyable 100% of the time. If you and your wife go into it expecting that it may not work then it really isn't a failure if it does or not. I know that sexless couples exist, but I think that's a really easy way to lead to either you or her seeking that elsewhere. Beyond that, I think it's kind of a blow to someone's self esteem to know the person that they're with doesn't want to have sex with them permanently. You don't need to interact with her and have sex on your mind all the time. You could even just schedule it so you aren't wondering when you're going to have sex again or how you can get her to do it, or have her be the one to think about it so you aren't.

Going cold turkey on any addiction rarely works long term. There's no way I can think of to make what you'd like to do painless.

 

[Strangeways]

Oh, believe me, we have tried all kinds of methods to attempt to make it easier and better. They have all failed.

Of course I will let her know that I have no problem letting her seek out sex with someone who's actually good at it.

 

[wgrrcb]

Some people can do that without getting jealous. I definitely couldn't.

 

[Strangeways]

I've been given some advice to just keep it to myself for now. I don't understand. I felt so good about this decision earlier today, and I still believe it's the right thing for me. But now I feel incredibly depressed and sad, like my life is over.

I wish I could just be a normal person. But I can't.

 

[Bluedogone]

Before you "take it off the table" you need to give some consideration to exactly what a Failure actually amounts to. Maybe failure is not what's happening. No matter how much pressure you put on yourself to perform, it's just impossible to make something physical happen when the brain is so important in getting things started. If failure is defined as a lack of an erection, without being too graphic, there are other ways to achieve success.

Marital sex should not be solo (although at times it certainly can be). But there's a partner to consider and a frank conversation/discussion will be more helpful than you could imagine. A marriage counselor, or someone you both can confide in, is an excellent way to jump start a conversation about the situation.

Not knowing your age or any health problems, I hope you don't give up on yourself, because it sounds as if you feel there's no good answer. Obviously I don't have any answers, but I do know one that seldom fails - communication, communication, communication.

Anyone who says they have a great sex life with their wife and absolutely no problems will probably lie about other things too.

Remember that if this were baseball and if you constantly hit three out of ten times, you'd most likely be a candidate for the Hall of Fame.

Blue

 

[Strangeways]

I estimate that I am successful in my attempts to have sex one out of ten times. In baseball, hitting .100 will wash you right out of the lowest of the low minor leagues.

It's not *just* erections, though it certainly is that. It's completion. It's satisfaction. It's not curling into a ball afterwards and wanting to be dead because once again you failed completely. It's your wife not being constantly angry and dissatisfied.

Sex isn't for everyone. It's taken me 48 years to figure out that I am one of the people that sex ISN'T for. Now I have to somehow let my wife know.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Strangeways

Sex came off the table for me in my marriage over 20 years ago. Our sex life was never any good and that was because I was trying to fake my way through, when that became impossible for me it stopped completely.

I tried to have sex again with someone else 15 years ago and all most ended up at the hospital from a serious Panic attack. I have not tried again. I do not MB very often either as of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks, so I have found it to be way easier for me not to. I live a lone now so that is easy for me now.

I am sorry you are having problems with sex in your marriage. It maybe the right move to take it off the table maybe temporary at first. You will have to talk to your wife to see how she feels. I also know it was the down fall of my marriage sex is something that is part of a marriage. Best of luck.

Take Care
Esterio

 

[wgrrcb]

I don't think you should keep it to yourself.

From your original post it doesn't seem as if you aren't interested in sex though. It seems like you think you're overly interested in it and when it happens it isn't what you want. If it was just the case of you being uninterested completely then it may be different. You said it's like an addiction though, which implies that your body wants to continue doing it.

 

[Strangeways]

You're correct wgrrcb - it isn't what I want when I do get to have it. If I could get what I want, I wouldn't want to stop doing it. But I can't get what I want, so why bother anymore?

I brought it up to my wife, who is very upset by the whole conversation. We talk about sex constantly, it seems like, and nothing ever changes.

 

[KMCINVA]

Strangeways

You need to feel safe and your wife needs to understand safety is important in developing an intimate relationship. You and she both need to feel you are number one to each other. For survivors sometimes the abuser lurks in our minds and for the spouse sometimes they have difficulties in making you feel number one and safe.

I lived it and I can tell you once you feel safe, number one in your partners life sex is not intimidating but rather something special. Talk with your wife, does she believe and not say you are number one, is she preoccupied with work, maybe parents control, children interfere believing they are number one. I do not know what it is but you need to feel safe and get the abuser out of your head. I know what it was for me and realize I never talked of how I felt. I now understand the reasons.

I hope it works out for you because sex is beautiful when you feel loved. Talk to your wife, talk to a therapist. There is hope for relationships if they want it to work and realize they need to put each other first and if not it will not work--take it from me, honor their past and admit their faults or issues. As survivors we have our issues and first we need to love ourselves to know if others love us or are just there. The abuser is no longer in my head and you will get there.

Kevin

 

[Strangeways]

So much has happened between us, I don't think there is any way possible for me to feel safe with my wife. But I don't think there is any way possible I could feel safe with ANY woman.

 

[KMCINVA]

Strangeways

I felt they way you felt. Then I met someone who knew how to make me feel safe, no expectations, no pre-judging and more importantly knowing words and actions are triggering to a survivor. She understands trauma, maybe your wife needs to have the courage to learn about trauma and how a survivor reacts to trauma and triggers. I know for me it was not possible because it would have resulted in admitting many things about their lives and their ability to realize what they know is not truth. Remember only truth frees us. Your wife and you both need to look at the past. I now know my past as well as the past of my former--neither had perfect pasts and today I accept my past and have found what I need. You can also do it.

Approach your wife and if she says no then you know what you need to do?

 

[Diacus]

Strangeways

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I get it. I've been there. This is one of the many issues us survivors have e to deal with. It sucks. For me I dissociate during sex and it becomes only about the orgasim. Hers first then always me second. That's all it was, that's all my abuser wanted. I'm learning now that there us so much more to sex than an orgasim! I'm learning to connect with my wife on so many different levels. Orgasim just becomes the cherry on top. Both my wife and I are survivors. Where I went hyper sexual she went the opposite. It's been very difficult to find a bubble that we are both comfortable with. We read a book together called "Hold me tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. I think it could help if your willing to read it. I hope you can find some peace and know that you are loved no matter what happens. Take care!

 

[Strangeways]

*possible triggers*
I guess I don't know what sex might be like without an orgasm. It's a pretty scary thought because if I'm not orgasm-focused I guess it doesn't matter if I can get hard or not. But I don't know how I can even start changing my way of thinking around this.

I'm supposed to be looking for a sex therapist. But I don't know if I want to even do that. We've tried that before and it was nothing but the therapist and my wife ganging up on me session after session after session. If that happens again I will walk out.

 

[jacats]

Im sort of with you on this. I'm done with having sex with anyone im in a relationship with. Which means that Im just done trying to have a relationship lol. I dont mind getting laid by somebody I dont know but a person who I maybe like...yuck. Do not enjoy that.
Orgasmless sex tbh is the kind im most comfortable with but I spent almost 10 years as a sex worker so that was par for the course a lot of the time.
I feel real good about the decision to not try to fit into a normal sexual relationship with a person. Ya i get that my childhood and then sex work stuff fucked my head up around that, but its not going to get fixed so I'll just do what works.
Its probably easier that im just dealing with myself and not a wife/husband/gf/bf. But i totally get throwing in the towel.

 

[AuthenticMe]

Strangeways,

I'm so sorry to hear that you had a bad experience in therapy with your wife. Unfortunately there are a lot of bad therapists out there.

Based on what you've shared, it might be worth seeking a professional to help you and your wife work through everything that's going on. Challenges with intimacy are pretty common for couples, putting CSA aside. Perhaps you can ask around for a good couples therapist in your area? It sounds like you have an idea in your mind that there's something for you alone to fix, but I doubt the struggles you are having are entirely your fault.

 

[Strangeways]

We have a couples therapist already. I don't think I want to go back there because I can't see the point. I won't see my own therapist for another week and I don't think I'll be able to regulate myself effectively until then.

Btw, no CSA here. *Triggers* Sexual abuse, genital mutilation, and domestic violence from a previous marriage. I'm pretty angry at all women right now, which is one way I can tell that I'm really emotionally dysregulated.

 

[KMCINVA]

In reading this thread it is evident CSA and other sexual abuses at any age impacts sexual development, sexual perceptions, sexual fears, lack of intimacy, confusion as to sexual identity and so many other issues that make it difficult to sustain or even develop meaningful relations. Our minds were not ready for a sexual experience at such a young age. Sadly, how brains rewired thought process flows. It is sad so many have suffered some form of sexual dysfunction.

I wish there was a simple answer.

 

[Strangeways]

KCMINVA: I agree with you. But in my case, there was no CSA so I guess you're addressing others, not me.