Finally facing the truth 50 years after the fact

KADruckenmiller

New Registrant
For 50 years I have awakened at night with nightmares about choking and being unable to breathe, or with the fear that there is a dark malevolent figure in the room. I always wake up soaking wet and terrified then can't go back to sleep. I finally awoke one night being able to remember why I couldn't breathe and saw the face of the dark figure. It was my father and now I am remembering many, many events that I wish I didn't. It seems I can't get thru a day without seeing or hearing something that brings all those memories back, and when they come I can't function until I clear my head, that sometimes takes an hour or more. I am at the point when I clean my guns I think about using them on myself.
 
I am very sorry you have to bear the burden of childhood abuse, but welcome. You have come to the right place. There are many men here who have been where you are right now. It is very difficult, but it will get better with patience and work. These memories, and the emotions they carry are overwhelming at first, but they also are the doorway to healing.

Just about 1 year ago I remember a rape I had buried for 50 years. It was terrible, but the pain of remembering became much less than the pain I had born in silence for all those years, especially when I was able to share what happened to me.

Take some time to read what others have gone through and where they are. Share what you want when you want. No one will judge you. You have made the first step by sharing the very painful and overwhelming feelings you are experiencing. This takes time.

Please be kind to yourself and patient with what's happening. You are on the right path and it will get better.
 

Darren White

Greeter
Staff member
For 50 years I have awakened at night with nightmares about choking and being unable to breathe, or with the fear that there is a dark malevolent figure in the room. I always wake up soaking wet and terrified then can't go back to sleep. I finally awoke one night being able to remember why I couldn't breathe and saw the face of the dark figure. It was my father and now I am remembering many, many events that I wish I didn't. It seems I can't get thru a day without seeing or hearing something that brings all those memories back, and when they come I can't function until I clear my head, that sometimes takes an hour or more. I am at the point when I clean my guns I think about using them on myself.
I understand you so well. Including the despair. I have similar experiences.
You didn't say, but have you been able to find a therapist? Going through this all alone is very difficult. I'm glad you posted here. Welcome!
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
For 50 years I have awakened at night with nightmares about choking and being unable to breathe, or with the fear that there is a dark malevolent figure in the room. I always wake up soaking wet and terrified then can't go back to sleep. I finally awoke one night being able to remember why I couldn't breathe and saw the face of the dark figure. It was my father and now I am remembering many, many events that I wish I didn't. It seems I can't get thru a day without seeing or hearing something that brings all those memories back, and when they come I can't function until I clear my head, that sometimes takes an hour or more. I am at the point when I clean my guns I think about using them on myself.
May you be protected by The Arch Angels.

...light a candle at 7pm this Sunday. I will do the same. Michael will scare any shadow, defeat any demon and protect you. You no longer have to be afraid of that dark figure.

You do not have to believe in my words. I will show you just how powerful they are.

I am incredibly sorry that you are going through this. It is not easy, I know. Help is on the way... please believe in that if anything.

much love from a friend!
-CT
 

detour

Registrant
May you be protected by The Arch Angels.

...light a candle at 7pm this Sunday. I will do the same. Michael will scare any shadow, defeat any demon and protect you. You no longer have to be afraid of that dark figure.

You do not have to believe in my words. I will show you just how powerful they are.

I am incredibly sorry that you are going through this. It is not easy, I know. Help is on the way... please believe in that if anything.

much love from a friend!
-CT
I hope the OP does this, thanks for posting it. OP it sounds like something want to torment you. This suggestion should take care of it. Sorry you had to endure this suffering at the hands of the one who was charged with protecting you.
 

KADruckenmiller

New Registrant
I understand you so well. Including the despair. I have similar experiences.
You didn't say, but have you been able to find a therapist? Going through this all alone is very difficult. I'm glad you posted here. Welcome!
I have found and used 2 therapist so far, one for individual and one for a group setting. The group was a wasted attempt as it was women and lets face it they just don't understand. Abuse is abuse, but the emotional toll is different for men.
 

Darren White

Greeter
Staff member
I have found and used 2 therapist so far, one for individual and one for a group setting. The group was a wasted attempt as it was women and lets face it they just don't understand. Abuse is abuse, but the emotional toll is different for men.
I would be good if you can find a group for men only, because you are right, how men and women deal with abuse and the aftermath is different. At least you have found us. And I hope the individual therapist is a good one.
 
Top