Finally decided to post... is this a breaking point?
It's funny, I've been reading you for months now and never really thought about posting. It seemed helpful enough just to read you everyday and realize that I'm not alone in my confusion and tough times.
But it seems like in the coming days there will be a breaking point and I might just need some of your helpful insight.
I know my partner was physically and psychologically abused by his mother as a child. I strongly suspect that he was also sexually abused. He never confirmed when I asked, but his behaviour is so much like what I've been reading here (sexually distant, pornography, anger, and many more) that I cannot help but think that he's been abused.
That he was not attracted to me sexually anymore, comparing our couple to one having spent 30 years together.
He also realized that this had happened to him every time he was in a relationship; he got bored and seemed to be attracted to other girls instead. He immediately decided that he wanted to see a therapist. I saw this as a real positive move.
And then, I waited and waited. Until he confirmed what was happening to him. As if that feeling was final and there was no way that would ever change. So our relationship is now on hold as he sees no way around this. He says he loves me and the baby to come and seemed genuinely in pain when we've discussed our options.
He decided to leave the country for a while to clear his head. That was a month ago. We've chatted here and there, nothing serious. When weve talk on the phone, we both cry. Every time I ask him when he will be back (it was understood when he left that he would come back) and if he intends to be here for the birth, he gives me vague answers and emphasizes that he needs to work (his work is basically unpredictable contracts around the world) and that his priority is for him to provide for his childs future. I see this as an escape as I have a good job and if all goes well, our child will always have his basic needs met.
I tried not to push him away with heavy demands, although its difficult for me at this stage to ignore my own needs. I decided not to protect him from my feelings and let him know when Im sad and when its hard for me to see him so far away. I know this is hard for him to hear as he feels guilty. And its hard to me, as Im afraid of the consequences (that this pressure will push him to run away).
So, now finally to my point! Weve chatted again today about all of this and how were feeling. He was mad and fed up and said that we should decide once and for all what to do. He will let me know tomorrow if/when hes coming back and once he does, he said he wanted to decide. For me, that sounds like Its over so I dont know what to do.
I want to tell him about all Ive read here and that his feelings are not weird and that there could be an explanation to them. I feel if he would just start with reading all of this, he wouldnt be throwing all that we have through the window. He did not seem at all responsive the few times I mentioned sexual abuse. I also would like to see a therapist together but I know I cannot force him.
Its so frustrating as I have some many other things on my mind, and it takes peace and energy away from this wonderful little life I feel inside. He (baby) on the other side, seems so determined to let us know that hes coming and ready to live life! He just moves like a crazy little fish in there.
Ill try not to read myself over again, as I might just decide not to post this. It just seems so long and as if theres no solution any way. But I have to try. Im slowing realizing I have nothing else to lose anymore. Your comments to each other always seem so helpful, so any advice is welcome seems like I will need it in the next few days thanks.
But it seems like in the coming days there will be a breaking point and I might just need some of your helpful insight.
I know my partner was physically and psychologically abused by his mother as a child. I strongly suspect that he was also sexually abused. He never confirmed when I asked, but his behaviour is so much like what I've been reading here (sexually distant, pornography, anger, and many more) that I cannot help but think that he's been abused.
That he was not attracted to me sexually anymore, comparing our couple to one having spent 30 years together.
He also realized that this had happened to him every time he was in a relationship; he got bored and seemed to be attracted to other girls instead. He immediately decided that he wanted to see a therapist. I saw this as a real positive move.
And then, I waited and waited. Until he confirmed what was happening to him. As if that feeling was final and there was no way that would ever change. So our relationship is now on hold as he sees no way around this. He says he loves me and the baby to come and seemed genuinely in pain when we've discussed our options.
He decided to leave the country for a while to clear his head. That was a month ago. We've chatted here and there, nothing serious. When weve talk on the phone, we both cry. Every time I ask him when he will be back (it was understood when he left that he would come back) and if he intends to be here for the birth, he gives me vague answers and emphasizes that he needs to work (his work is basically unpredictable contracts around the world) and that his priority is for him to provide for his childs future. I see this as an escape as I have a good job and if all goes well, our child will always have his basic needs met.
I tried not to push him away with heavy demands, although its difficult for me at this stage to ignore my own needs. I decided not to protect him from my feelings and let him know when Im sad and when its hard for me to see him so far away. I know this is hard for him to hear as he feels guilty. And its hard to me, as Im afraid of the consequences (that this pressure will push him to run away).
So, now finally to my point! Weve chatted again today about all of this and how were feeling. He was mad and fed up and said that we should decide once and for all what to do. He will let me know tomorrow if/when hes coming back and once he does, he said he wanted to decide. For me, that sounds like Its over so I dont know what to do.
I want to tell him about all Ive read here and that his feelings are not weird and that there could be an explanation to them. I feel if he would just start with reading all of this, he wouldnt be throwing all that we have through the window. He did not seem at all responsive the few times I mentioned sexual abuse. I also would like to see a therapist together but I know I cannot force him.
Its so frustrating as I have some many other things on my mind, and it takes peace and energy away from this wonderful little life I feel inside. He (baby) on the other side, seems so determined to let us know that hes coming and ready to live life! He just moves like a crazy little fish in there.
Ill try not to read myself over again, as I might just decide not to post this. It just seems so long and as if theres no solution any way. But I have to try. Im slowing realizing I have nothing else to lose anymore. Your comments to each other always seem so helpful, so any advice is welcome seems like I will need it in the next few days thanks.
