Final session with my T today - "...so that..."
I posted this on the Members forum and someone there suggested that I post it here on the Public side as well, as a means of encouragement to others. While I know I am not "cured", I do know that I have reached a milestone with the healing - I feel empowered enough now to handle some of the issues head-on myself. I began therapy over a year ago, and at that time I would never have envisioned I would have been writing this now. Below is the post, and I hope it offers encouragement to anyone who is in the early stages of healing.
I had my final session with my therapist today. I told him that I feel like I am strong enough to face matters myself now.
A lot has happened in the last month or so to bring me to this point. The primary events were confronting my mother and her reaction of denial and dismissal. That turned the light bulb on in my head so that I finally accepted her for what she is and understand where I stand in all that. That's a good feeling because I no longer feel enslaved to how I should feel towards her. I know what she's capable of grasping now, and what she's not. Reaching acceptance of that has been a major turning point.
My older brother reestablished contact with me after several years and has validated the events of our childhood for me. That, too, was a major milestone, knowing that I'm not crazy that someone else has reached a point of acceptance and moving on as well. He dealt with all this years ago and has now moved beyond it, so he is years ahead of me in this.
My T and I talked at length about where I've come from in the last year in dealing with this. He stated that he has seen this transformation of sorts coming in me for a while, and he's pleased to have seen it. He told me about a passage of scripture that was especially enlightening to him during his own period years ago of dealing with his past. His therapist had told him of the scripture that paraphrased says "...{this}, so that..." The important distinction here is the "so that" phrase. It's not "because", it's "so that". "Because" is a backward linking phrase that indicates something happened due to past events and that those events are now "pushing" me forward and are defining my every day. The "so that" phrase is forward thinking, in that it implies hope for the future. So that I can become the man I was meant to be. I told my T that all my life I feel like I've been stumbling grudgingly forward, "because" of my past. But now, I need to be walking forward "so that" I can get to the hope that lies ahead.
Anyway, I don't know if any of that makes any sense to anyone, but it did to me today. As I was about to leave his office, we prayed together and then he shook my hand and hugged me, something that a year ago would have made me jump out of my skin. But it felt good today.
I am proof, men that we can hope and look forward to a better day. I'm looking forward to better days ahead for myself and all of you here.
I had my final session with my therapist today. I told him that I feel like I am strong enough to face matters myself now.
A lot has happened in the last month or so to bring me to this point. The primary events were confronting my mother and her reaction of denial and dismissal. That turned the light bulb on in my head so that I finally accepted her for what she is and understand where I stand in all that. That's a good feeling because I no longer feel enslaved to how I should feel towards her. I know what she's capable of grasping now, and what she's not. Reaching acceptance of that has been a major turning point.
My older brother reestablished contact with me after several years and has validated the events of our childhood for me. That, too, was a major milestone, knowing that I'm not crazy that someone else has reached a point of acceptance and moving on as well. He dealt with all this years ago and has now moved beyond it, so he is years ahead of me in this.
My T and I talked at length about where I've come from in the last year in dealing with this. He stated that he has seen this transformation of sorts coming in me for a while, and he's pleased to have seen it. He told me about a passage of scripture that was especially enlightening to him during his own period years ago of dealing with his past. His therapist had told him of the scripture that paraphrased says "...{this}, so that..." The important distinction here is the "so that" phrase. It's not "because", it's "so that". "Because" is a backward linking phrase that indicates something happened due to past events and that those events are now "pushing" me forward and are defining my every day. The "so that" phrase is forward thinking, in that it implies hope for the future. So that I can become the man I was meant to be. I told my T that all my life I feel like I've been stumbling grudgingly forward, "because" of my past. But now, I need to be walking forward "so that" I can get to the hope that lies ahead.
Anyway, I don't know if any of that makes any sense to anyone, but it did to me today. As I was about to leave his office, we prayed together and then he shook my hand and hugged me, something that a year ago would have made me jump out of my skin. But it felt good today.
I am proof, men that we can hope and look forward to a better day. I'm looking forward to better days ahead for myself and all of you here.