filling a hole...
My girlfriend and I were talking, more like having a bit of an arguement about some of the things i've done in the past, specifically about drugs, and other behaviors. It all started when i told her that an old friend of mine might come to visit sometime, and this friend has a bit of a bad reputation because i used to do a lot of drugs with him. I have changed now, and i have left that in my past. i guess you can say that i have grown up quite a bit in the 8 months since i finished school, and specifically because i've realized that pot, alcohol, and other things are not the answer to keep me going. ok, heres where the arguement comes in... she doesn't believe that i am strong enough to resist temptation, if faced with it, and i will admit that i am not that strong... but i felt that she should have shown more support rather than tell me i couldn't do it... (and she is very supportive of me in a whole lot of ways, to the point where i don't know how she can deal with me). this upset me though, that she assumed that i couldnt resist, and that i would go back to my old ways, when i felt that i could stay strong... and thats when she said something to me that just seemed to instantly open my eyes, and showed me that she really did understand me, and what was going on... she pointed out that i am not a strong person on the inside, no matter how much i try to show it on the outside, and that i tend to be more of a follower, and go along with the crowd. but then she pointed out that the reason i do this is that there is a hole deep within me that was created in my childhood (with the SA). I am hollow on the indide, and i have been trying all of my life to fill the hollowness. The drugs, the following the crowd, the me that was trying to be somebody else so that others would like me was all just a ploy to try and fill the hollowness... but it has never been able to be filled. there is a hole in the bottom that continuously empties, so that i may never be filled. but all this time i have been trying to fill myself up with the wrong things.. i gravitate towards things that are opposite to what is the real me, and who I truely am.... which i s why 've never been able to find myself. All i want out of life is to be able to find myself, and know who i really am, and what i really want... and the hole continues to empty myself...
I have been thinking a lot about all this in the last day or so, and i wanted to post this to see if anyone else feels this hollowness, and tries to fill themselves with negative things... i think this is a big reason for why we act out, and why we become addicted so easily, and why we generally tend to gravitate toward negativity, because maybe we dont even realize that there is a hole, but we already know that it will never be full...
cpt.
I have been thinking a lot about all this in the last day or so, and i wanted to post this to see if anyone else feels this hollowness, and tries to fill themselves with negative things... i think this is a big reason for why we act out, and why we become addicted so easily, and why we generally tend to gravitate toward negativity, because maybe we dont even realize that there is a hole, but we already know that it will never be full...
cpt.
