FIL is a serial abuser. What do we do now?
I haven't posted in a while as things were going very well. All that's changed since June. FIL (father in law) was exposed as a serial predator. There are 6 female victims that we know about and the abuse ranged from inappropriate comments to molestation. His last minor molestation victim that we know of was in 1990. But he groped an 18 year old family friend in May.
DH's perp was a female and he was past puberty when he was abused. DH has no memory of FIL ever harming him and he doesn't think that its happened. The issue is that I think it's necessary to cut off contact with FIL. Not only because DH is a survivor but because we have children. I haven't allowed our children to have contact with FIL since everything has come out. Our kids are aged 2.5 and 10 months and have never been alone with FIL, however, DH's first reaction was to say that we just wouldn't let him watch the kids overnight or babysit. My reaction was no contact.
DH doesn't get it. Not totally. As a survivor he knows the gravity of what his dad has done. The problem is he's living reality in a bubble right now. If he 100 percent accepts that his dad has done very bad things and his bubble bursts not only will he have to come to grips with who his dad really is, but he has to come to grips with the fact that his mom knew what he did, got divorced, and left him and his brother with him and gave him primary custody. To complicate matters his mom is indirectly to blame for his own abuse. Her sudden abandonment of him left him looking for a mother like/older sister like figure which made him an easy target to be groomed.
I know DH needs to return to therapy. He's easily triggered and he's angry all of the time. I don't even know where to begin. He's still in contact with FIL. Myself and the kids have cut him off. I know he understands intellectually that his father cannot be in our kids lives. Emotionally I'm asking him to give up on something he really wanted. He was looking forward to a father, son, grandson fishing trip years from now. He was looking forward to camping and spending time together. He has to limit contact or cut off his dad when he was the only parent emotionally available from the ages of 11-18. Where do we go from here? What ways can I steer him towards therapy? It's gonna be hard On him in the next few weeks when we celebrate our daughters first birthday and her grandfather isn't invited.
For clarity FIL was only prosecuted once in the 70s and was given a slap on the wrist. He was in a treatment program but reoffended again. There is no statute of limitations in our state but none of his other victims have decided to pursue it. He hasn't denied any of it but hasn't taken steps to get professional help.
DH's perp was a female and he was past puberty when he was abused. DH has no memory of FIL ever harming him and he doesn't think that its happened. The issue is that I think it's necessary to cut off contact with FIL. Not only because DH is a survivor but because we have children. I haven't allowed our children to have contact with FIL since everything has come out. Our kids are aged 2.5 and 10 months and have never been alone with FIL, however, DH's first reaction was to say that we just wouldn't let him watch the kids overnight or babysit. My reaction was no contact.
DH doesn't get it. Not totally. As a survivor he knows the gravity of what his dad has done. The problem is he's living reality in a bubble right now. If he 100 percent accepts that his dad has done very bad things and his bubble bursts not only will he have to come to grips with who his dad really is, but he has to come to grips with the fact that his mom knew what he did, got divorced, and left him and his brother with him and gave him primary custody. To complicate matters his mom is indirectly to blame for his own abuse. Her sudden abandonment of him left him looking for a mother like/older sister like figure which made him an easy target to be groomed.
I know DH needs to return to therapy. He's easily triggered and he's angry all of the time. I don't even know where to begin. He's still in contact with FIL. Myself and the kids have cut him off. I know he understands intellectually that his father cannot be in our kids lives. Emotionally I'm asking him to give up on something he really wanted. He was looking forward to a father, son, grandson fishing trip years from now. He was looking forward to camping and spending time together. He has to limit contact or cut off his dad when he was the only parent emotionally available from the ages of 11-18. Where do we go from here? What ways can I steer him towards therapy? It's gonna be hard On him in the next few weeks when we celebrate our daughters first birthday and her grandfather isn't invited.
For clarity FIL was only prosecuted once in the 70s and was given a slap on the wrist. He was in a treatment program but reoffended again. There is no statute of limitations in our state but none of his other victims have decided to pursue it. He hasn't denied any of it but hasn't taken steps to get professional help.
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