Fighting with exploring BDSM and wanting to be used by multiple men

[Gayornot]

I have not been with zBDSM but have been used in bath houses, at gay beaches and in adult video stores. I don’t know why I am so turned on by that. Yet I fight because it is not “normal”. When that desire hits it is a deep and raw desire that takes time to overcome but it is emotionally draining. When I have yielded when I was single I was like an animal in heat. Insatiable. Then I am spent and left to wonder why I wanted this as it is so at odds with the rest of my life. This is no disrespect to any of the LGBT community.

 

[Steve12rb]

Just a gentle reminder which I hope you find helpful, but being turned on by BDSM and wanting to be used are two different things. There are lots of couples, LGBT+ or straight, who use BDSM as part of a loving, caring sexual relationship, and there are also a lot of people who have fantasies to be used and objectified by complete strangers without BDSM as part of the scene. There are also a lot of people who want both. So regardless of which category you fit into and whether you feel these feelings are normal or not (and my strong opinion is they’re normal), you’re certainly not alone.

These feelings may or may not be created or strengthened by CSA. There are certainly many who were not abused as kids who have these desires. I believe in general it’s ‘normal’ and can be healthy within limits - I believe that people are attracted to risk and excitement during sex as a way to get the adrenaline flowing. Whether or not one takes it too far is another matter, and if CSA fuels this desire to such a point and you feel it’s not normal anymore, you can get help from a therapist.

I might be wrong with this assessment but want to share in case it helps. There are also a lot of bi men (my husband is one) who aren’t equally attracted to men and women. It’s perfectly normal to be romantically attracted to only one gender but sexually attracted to both, or to prefer one gender much more than the other. It’s also normal to have different types of sexual relationships with different genders, e.g. cuddly romantic stuff with women and ‘we’ll be unrecognizable after’ debauched stuff with men or vice versa.

There are also a lot of LGBT individuals that really downplay the importance of male-male intimacy because we still live in a society that has a lot of negativity towards LGBT people, and it’s impossible in my opinion to be unaffected by that. A lot of people channel that negativity into risky behaviors or depersonalizing sexual situations.

I don’t know if some, all, or none of that applies to you, but I wish you some peace in unpacking the feelings you have, and thank you for sharing here.

 

[Gayornot]

You are indeed wise and I thank you for your kind and candid comments. In my case I believe it is solely attributed to my csa along with ptsd from the military. One aspect of which was the recurring desire to be used by men when I was making love with my first wife. No therapist I spoke with this was familiar with it and I finally read about it in an article about men coming back from Vietnam and experiencing it. Somehow the more I am able to process information on this site the more I believe my attraction to men stems from the CSA.

I also have been processing my desire to be a girl when I was 5. Was that a response from being abused by my brother that I hated a penis or something else. When I saw a girl nude I loved how her body looked without a penis. And I wanted to be a girl. Somehow she looked pure to me as we were the same age and there was nothing perverted or abusive about it. I spent many years trying to figure out how to “lose” my penis but there was no casual way I could figure out how to explain I lost it walking home from school one day. That was until about 13 when I concentrated on being a young man. Years later I went to counseling and started hrt and felt complete for the first time in my life. As a trans woman on hrt I wanted to be with women. Why make life easy to figure out?

Thank you again for your input. How did you receive your husband confiding in you his otherwise secret desires?

 

[Steve12rb]

If you’re asking about my husband telling me of his attraction to women, it was no issue for me, I’ve known he was bi for the longest time. And it’s not a threat for me, especially since his interest in women is much less than his interest in men.

Thanks on sharing your story. There are plenty of trans men into men and trans women into women, so I don’t see anything out of the ordinary there. Not trying to nudge you in any particular direction, just want to say you’re not alone in any of these questions.

 

[Gayornot]

Thank you again. My wife knows I am trans but does not know how to deal with this very tough concept but also refuses therapy for the other things in life that happen. Including her own adult abuse. I had to stop taking meds for health issues and I miss it quite a bit. Every estrogen shot felt like a rush of relief reinforcing my feminine side. I have a lot of med issues from the military now so I must deal with those. But we spend time apart because I have excellent care where I am and the weather is better for me. I am not into wanting to go out or date or develop relationships with anyone. This site has given me a lot more to process but in a good way. My wife has periodically asked if I am gay. I am just me, whatever that is.

 

[Sossity]

This thread was really powerful for me and took me several weeks to read as it opened my eyes to my own life experience, I can imagine the experiences are different for gay men, but for me a a heterosexual man who feels compelled to act out at time of stress, reading this was a real moment of enlightenment. I think there are parallel in this to your thread? Can you see what I mean?

Thread 'I regret every single same sex encounter I've ever had'
https://forum.malesurvivor.org/threads/i-regret-every-single-same-sex-encounter-ive-ever-had.76584/

 

[Steve12rb]

Thanks Gayornot,

Sorry to hear about your wife having difficulties. Sometimes the simplest things can be the hardest to process. Therapy or counseling can definitely help and I hope you both get there or get to a point or acceptance. I hope you can also get to a point where you can be back on your meds at some point soon.

Some people choose the ‘queer’ label within the LGBT+ Community because they just don’t know where they fall, and that’s ok. I also think that ‘rounding up’ is acceptable. I say I’m 100% gay but in reality it’s more like 99.9% gay with one very specific situation where I could be sexually interested in women for a brief fling. Technically I’m bi but for practical purposes I’m fine with the label I choose. It’s just a label, yet I’m the one who makes and lives my reality.

 

[Gayornot]

Jethro I understand where you are at. I can’t profess to know what is good for you, but I finally acted on my urges and have the satisfaction of having burst mentality bubbles by exploring what was good. I am glad ai did so I am not even more frustrated. I love being used by a man. Even more with trans. But I will not compromise health concerns. That is also frustrating to me, as I would love to the the man in the room servicing all the other men bareback. A man in my ass is heaven to me

Steve, I do wonder at this point if I would be able to be in a gay relationship since I love mm sex so much.

 

[Morgan Cox]

Thanks Gayornot for sharing. I have often felt that I am alone. This is not an experience I would want to be in the company of others, but I feel much of what you have shared.