Fight or Flight Roommate Situation
diamondheart
Registrant
So I've been in a PTSD bubble for the past two days and have been on nerve. I recently moved into my friend and his wife's apartment. I was living with my sister and her family in their basement but had to move out there rather abruptly due to her father in law moving in. He pretty much just said he was moving back in, forcing me out. Years ago he use to live down there with his son before he married my sister.
Prior to this my situation there wasn't always the greatest. My Mom died four years ago and that sent me into a deep and dark depression. More so than ever before. A year after she passed away I was the closest I ever was to killing myself. I had the pills up to my mouth. Thankfully a friend talked me down from it and I went into a program for a week.
My sister and I haven't always seen eye to eye especially in terms of my depression/ptsd. So we've clashed a lot the last four years. Like when I was going to be released from the hospital she wasn't going to let me come back and when I did come back they turned off the wifi and took away my phone... which was on their plan but I paid for monthly. The first year afterwards things were very tense. Then they leveled out but ever so often my sister would have a meltdown and usually I was at the end of this. Usually it was related to my depression and how I was living my life.
In the meantime, I had found a therapist and was put on medicine. I also filled for state disability which allowed me to have more independence. I was able to buy a car as well. Granted it wasn't a lot of money but it was enough to buy insurance and have a little money left over. I also filed for SSI disability and in the process of waiting for an appeal court date, it's almost been a year since I filed the appeal. So it wasn't like I wasn't trying to better my life, it just wasn't how my sister thought I should and in the time frame she wanted. So that caused a lot of friction.
I also began to isolate more so than I ever did as to not bother my sister and her husband. I would go weeks without seeing them. I'd wait until they were asleep to make food, as the kitchen was upstairs. I would usually buy food that I could eat without having to cook or use the microwave. When I did see them they would barely say two words to me. So it was a strange living situation.
My sister can be very passive aggressive and that's horribly triggering for me and sends me spiraling out of control. She's always felt if she could move past things then I should be able to do so as well. Sadly it's not as simple as that, as I'm sure you all know. So I just did my best to stay out of trouble.
Well last October my car died and I couldn't afford to buy another one, and things kinda went downhill from there. Which was strange because in August I had to opportunity to be in an art show in NYC with a sculpture commissioned of a tree made out of eyewear material. I had spent last year building it. So I went from a very high to a low. So now I had to ask my sister to borrow the vehicle to get food. I lived in a very rural area and the nearest store was 10 minutes away.
I would go weeks without leaving the house. During my most depressed times I would go half a day without eating because I didn't want to go upstairs. I'd also go long periods without showering or doing laundry or doing any housework like dishes. Which caused more fricken with my sister in terms of how I kept the living area downstairs which they didn't ever use. They rarely ever went down there either.
So on NYE night, right after the ball dropped. My sister messaged me on facebook. That was how she'd talk to me when she was mad or didn't like something I did. She told me that the father in law was moving in and that I needed to be out by February which again sent me spiraling. I didn't have anywhere to go nor did I have enough money to get my own place. So my only option was homeless shelter. Well whenever I told her that she would get even more upset at me. Then it was pushed to March due to me not having a place to go then again to April. At that point my sister gave me 3 months and said that was it which meant by July I had to be out. At first I thought my sister made up the whole father in law situation but around the end of May he came up from florida with a bunch of stuff.
So it's a few weeks before July and I still don't have a place to go. So I had to come to terms that I was going to have to live in a homeless shelter. About a week before I had to leave my friend said I could come live with him and his wife.
Once my sister knew I found a place her attitude changed from night to day. Which was nice as it allowed me to move out slowly. As someone who is codependent it really helped, especially with not living with my nieces and nephew anymore. Which was the toughest part of the whole situation. Even in my darkest days I knew that I could go upstairs and see the kids. So I was losing everything I knew and my home for the past 7 years.
I had known my friend for about a year and we were pretty close talking almost every day for the past six months, though we had only met once. I had never met his wife before moving in. So that made me very nervous moving into a situation I knew nothing about but I didn't have a choice. I especially was nervous because once the wife found out I was moving in she became rather smothering messaging me every day. Other than my friend I really didn't talk to anyone that much. I had become a hermit almost. There were even times that my friend would become smothering but most of the time it was nice to have someone to talk to. He was always there and so supportive.
So within moving in I learned very quickly that his wife was a loose cannon. I don't deal with confrontation very well at all. She would go off on my friend, a lot of the time for no reason. So it put me in a very uncomfortable situation and wondering if ever would become a situation where she'd start to do it with me. So far she hasn't but it's a concern of mine. Not only does she provoke fights with my friend but she's very loud in general. I pretty much stay in my bedroom and you can hear here throughout the apartment even when they're not fighting. Often times I'm awakened by her. They wake up early to go to work. I've lived here about a month and I've still haven't gotten use to her.
If you're wondering why I stay in my room all the time it's because they don't use their living room. It's filled with boxes of stuff and other clutter. Like literally there are stacks of stuff to almost the ceiling. For the most part I'm okay with that. As long as I have my room I'm happy. Overall it's been a pretty good month. It's been wonderful to finally have my own space and to contribute to the household. The place I live in has a pool and I'm pretty much down there most nights. Plus everyone who lives in this complex is so friendly. Usually in the evenings there are a group of neighbors who sit by the pool talking. I call them the meeting of the minds. So I've started to open up and blossom.
My relationship with my sister has also improved drastically. She's finally talking to me again and being kind like calling me Bub which has been my nickname since I was little. It's a southern thing. lol She also even told me that she'd pick me up anytime I wanted to visit. Which was a huge relief for me as I was worried she was going to cut me out of her life and I'd not be able to see the kids.
While things have been pretty good there are have been some situations that have started to put a crack into that wall. The wife can go off the handle at any given moment. I will be awoken in the middle of the night to them fighting, usually it's the wife yelling at my friend. It's extremely frightening to be waken up to that. I think she just wakes up gets mad and then wakes up my friend. It's so strange. Often times I hear them fighting and I get so nervous/cautious.
Last week I was sort of involved with her freak out. We were going out to dinner at a pizza place with one of their friends and she has a meltdown related to having to order more than one pizza because my friend is gluten free plus I'm picky. So I went into stranger danger mode and immediately left the apartment and told them that they could go eat and I was going swimming...
That's how I deal with confrontation, is I leave the situation. I've also noticed some passive aggressive behaviors from the wife as well. So that's been triggering. Like for example, she keeps moving my shower poof to on top of the toilet. Yesterday I found it in the trash. I'm hoping someone accidently knocked it into the trash. Another situation I was my grandmother's green bean recipe and it took longer than I anticipated. Our air conditioning wasn't working well and it was very hot out... and she had one of her meltdowns and ended up sleeping in the living room. My green beans were cooking on top of the stove and she turned them off without telling me. I tried to reheat them the next day and they were ruined.
Originally the terms of me moving in was paying $100 a month. I only get $200 a month from state disability. Well right before I moved in the wife lost her job so she pretty much insisted I pay all my money. They didn't really ask me she just expected me to do so. I did because I felt bad and didn't want them to not be able to pay rent. So that puts me in a tough situation as I don't have money for anything.
I get $180 for food and that's really not a lot. So I've gotten use to budgeting my money in order to spread it over a month which isn't always easy to do. A few days after I moved in we went grocery shopping. I figured we'd each get separate carts and each pay separately. Well that didn't happen which put me in panic mood as I'm always aware of how much I'm spending and having other food in the cart is tough for me to do that. I get sort of OCD when shopping as it can become a dangerous situation with my PTSD, well not really dangerous but for someone who's PTSD it feels that way.
Well it never dawned on me that they were expecting me to buy their food so when it came to checking out I had a panic attack well I had already had one but it got worse. I almost left the store without anything in the middle of shopping. I went into shut down mode right in front of the lane. The wife was with me as my friend had already checked out with stuff they were paying cash for... So finally I confronted the situation awkwardly. Finally after some discussing back in forth I caved in and bought their items which was over $40 in food and they bought items that weren't cheap either.
Later I explained to my friend (who I talk to about stuff) about why that was problematic as I'm always budgeting my money and was worried I would run out of money, and not have anything to eat. As it is with the money I get towards the end of the month I get low on food and have to live off what I have. So he seemed to understand and said if it got to where I didn't have any food they'd help me. So I was like okay. I don't have a problem with getting food and making meals but I want to have control of what I get. Like I got hamburger to make hamburgers a night for all. The stuff they got for food wasn't food to be made for meals.
Thankfully I had the courage to put up a boundary with my food money and shopping. I insisted that when we go shopping that we use separate carts and that we bought our own food. They understood. So now it's getting close the end of the month for more money and I'm getting low on food. They have made one group meal and that's been it. They make their food for dinner and don't include me. Which would be fine if they didn't use my food money. They've also been doing things and eating out (not including me ever) that cost money. So I excused the fact that I had no money and was using my food money on them because they needed it.
Since moving in I've visited my sister and the kids twice. The first time my friend became very possessive and gave me a hard time in regards to how long I was staying, and wanting to know exactly when I was coming home. I quickly nipped that in the bud. I came from a situation where I had to walk on eggshells and I told him that I couldn't do that. I pay my way here and want the flexibility to come and go as I please. He's not my boyfriend, so I don't have to check in with him. So that's added to the nervousness. Another boundary set.
Tonight I went to bed early. The anniversary of my Mom's death is coming up on September 9th. August is always a tough month as I spent most of that month in her hospital rooming watching her die. It took me over two years to leave that room. So August is extremely tough especially because I've gotten to a point where I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's just too painful but sometimes grief/pain has a way of seeping in. I had forgotten what this month was until a few days ago my sister shared a post from that time, which was a prayer post as my Mom started to go downhill. So it brought it all up again and triggered my PTSD. So the past few days I've been struggling to overcome and poke that PTSD bubble. Friends and family become strangers, and strangers become possible enemies. Nothing is safe. It's like I get transported to an alternate dimension like the one in The Stranger Things.
So I woke up early (around 4am) not being able to sleep. I got online to play a game and all of a sudden I hear the wife screaming at my friend. Instantly I went into panic mode. I could hear everything including her yelling at him to stop hitting her. Then I hear a slap and again her yelling at him to stop hitting her, that she was going to come get me. Most the times I don't hear my friend at all, I just hear her screaming and yelling.
So I went into a danger will robinson mode. Fight or flight. I had nowhere to go and was almost pushed to the point in confronting the situation by going into their room and saying WTF is going on. Though my fears set in and so I hid hoping that it would stop. This wasn't the first time I did this as this was a common occurance growing up with an abusive father. To add even more complexity to the situation my last relationship was somewhat abusive as my ex would go off like she would and about stupid stuff. Like on Thanksgiving day when he came inches from stabbing me in the thigh with a fork because of how I responded to him thinking he got a virus on my computer. I didn't say much other than I was frustrated. I didn't raise my voice or anything. The last straw was him almost hitting me in the head with a big stick, again coming within inches of my head. I almost stayed in that situation because I didn't think I deserved anything better. So this situation is triggering me on so many different levels.
I don't have anywhere else to go, so I'm stuck here. I'm so desperate for a court date so that I can get out on my own but I don't have a clue as to when that will be, and there are no guarantees on that even. As quickly as these blow ups start, they usually end fairly quickly and before long things go back to like nothing ever happened. Which I find very strange. So after about 30minutes of fighting they went back to bed. Until about an hour later and it started up again but not as severe. So I shut my door and put on headphones and tried to drown it all out. I was so scared that someone was going to come bursting through my door to harm me. I wish the door had a lock on it. I put my big fan in front of the door. I had thoughts of barricading the door, which I have done in the past in similar situations but I didn't do that. I was desperate to talk to someone and none of my friends was online. Well one was but he wasn't very helpful and made me feel worse. Thankfully I logged into the MS chatroom and talked to a very nice guy which helped me out dramatically. It was wonderful to connect with someone else who understood what I was going with, or at least empathised with my situation.
It's been over six years since I have been on here. I got to a point in my life where I didn't want to talk about the abuse or be involved with anything that involved it. So that's why I've stayed away but I've recently realized that even though the abuse isn't in the forefront of my life and the direct issues of what I'm going through the abuse still is affecting me in so many ways. Not to mention that I've been having flashbacks again. So tonight is a reminder of the importance of support which I have very little. My friend was the person I could talk to whatever was upsetting now he's the reason I'm upset, or at least part of it.
I'm so desperate for stability and safety. I thought I had found it but now that's in question. It leaves me wondering if I will ever find it... and relief... I just turned 40 and I'm so tired of fighting so hard against so much. I don't want to have to depend on anyone but I'm too bogged down to do anything about it... outside of trying to go for SSI. It's a waiting game and I'm not sure how long I can keep doing this. I keep holding on and waiting the storm out but they're constant. One storm passes and I have a day full of sunshine, and another one arrives at my door step. It feels like I have this storm cloud following me. It's so tough to stay positive. Yesterday I went swimming, which I normally do around 6pm. Not only it's a release from the heat but it allows me to get out of the house. The pool is safe and comfortable. Last night I was aware I was triggered (which doesn't always happen) and I tried to do some exercises to ground myself. I repeated over and over that I was strong, independent and I didn't need anyone. I've also been struggling being away from the family as well and feeling very lonely. It's a scary feeling to be all alone in this world. I've spent hours in the pool some night. The water is so cool and refreshing. I get sad when it's almost closing time. At 4am, I can't go to my comfort space. So all I can do is close my door, crank up the toons and wait for the storm to pass. I'm just wondering if the homeless shelter would have been a better option??? I was very worried about something like this happening.
I did send a message via facebook to my friend and asked him what in the world was going on, and asked him if he was hitting his wife... to he replied no, i'm not hitting (his wife's name). To which I responded well I can hear everything and that I heard her say you were, and then heard a slapping noise... He's yet to respond. I don't know what to do and in this fear bubble. My typical response is to go inward. It's so triggering of growing up and the dynamic between my parents. I feel like I'm a bad person if I don't get involved or do something but I just want to hide.
I've moved over an hour from my therapist so I'm currently without therapy. My insurance doesn't cover anyone in the county I live in so that's also very problematic. So I'm extremely thankful that this site exists. Sorry that this post is so long. I'm quite the talker, or writer in this case. lol I haven't been able to talk about most of this stuff until now, so it's been a huge relief. Thanks for reading!
Huggs
Prior to this my situation there wasn't always the greatest. My Mom died four years ago and that sent me into a deep and dark depression. More so than ever before. A year after she passed away I was the closest I ever was to killing myself. I had the pills up to my mouth. Thankfully a friend talked me down from it and I went into a program for a week.
My sister and I haven't always seen eye to eye especially in terms of my depression/ptsd. So we've clashed a lot the last four years. Like when I was going to be released from the hospital she wasn't going to let me come back and when I did come back they turned off the wifi and took away my phone... which was on their plan but I paid for monthly. The first year afterwards things were very tense. Then they leveled out but ever so often my sister would have a meltdown and usually I was at the end of this. Usually it was related to my depression and how I was living my life.
In the meantime, I had found a therapist and was put on medicine. I also filled for state disability which allowed me to have more independence. I was able to buy a car as well. Granted it wasn't a lot of money but it was enough to buy insurance and have a little money left over. I also filed for SSI disability and in the process of waiting for an appeal court date, it's almost been a year since I filed the appeal. So it wasn't like I wasn't trying to better my life, it just wasn't how my sister thought I should and in the time frame she wanted. So that caused a lot of friction.
I also began to isolate more so than I ever did as to not bother my sister and her husband. I would go weeks without seeing them. I'd wait until they were asleep to make food, as the kitchen was upstairs. I would usually buy food that I could eat without having to cook or use the microwave. When I did see them they would barely say two words to me. So it was a strange living situation.
My sister can be very passive aggressive and that's horribly triggering for me and sends me spiraling out of control. She's always felt if she could move past things then I should be able to do so as well. Sadly it's not as simple as that, as I'm sure you all know. So I just did my best to stay out of trouble.
Well last October my car died and I couldn't afford to buy another one, and things kinda went downhill from there. Which was strange because in August I had to opportunity to be in an art show in NYC with a sculpture commissioned of a tree made out of eyewear material. I had spent last year building it. So I went from a very high to a low. So now I had to ask my sister to borrow the vehicle to get food. I lived in a very rural area and the nearest store was 10 minutes away.
I would go weeks without leaving the house. During my most depressed times I would go half a day without eating because I didn't want to go upstairs. I'd also go long periods without showering or doing laundry or doing any housework like dishes. Which caused more fricken with my sister in terms of how I kept the living area downstairs which they didn't ever use. They rarely ever went down there either.
So on NYE night, right after the ball dropped. My sister messaged me on facebook. That was how she'd talk to me when she was mad or didn't like something I did. She told me that the father in law was moving in and that I needed to be out by February which again sent me spiraling. I didn't have anywhere to go nor did I have enough money to get my own place. So my only option was homeless shelter. Well whenever I told her that she would get even more upset at me. Then it was pushed to March due to me not having a place to go then again to April. At that point my sister gave me 3 months and said that was it which meant by July I had to be out. At first I thought my sister made up the whole father in law situation but around the end of May he came up from florida with a bunch of stuff.
So it's a few weeks before July and I still don't have a place to go. So I had to come to terms that I was going to have to live in a homeless shelter. About a week before I had to leave my friend said I could come live with him and his wife.
Once my sister knew I found a place her attitude changed from night to day. Which was nice as it allowed me to move out slowly. As someone who is codependent it really helped, especially with not living with my nieces and nephew anymore. Which was the toughest part of the whole situation. Even in my darkest days I knew that I could go upstairs and see the kids. So I was losing everything I knew and my home for the past 7 years.
I had known my friend for about a year and we were pretty close talking almost every day for the past six months, though we had only met once. I had never met his wife before moving in. So that made me very nervous moving into a situation I knew nothing about but I didn't have a choice. I especially was nervous because once the wife found out I was moving in she became rather smothering messaging me every day. Other than my friend I really didn't talk to anyone that much. I had become a hermit almost. There were even times that my friend would become smothering but most of the time it was nice to have someone to talk to. He was always there and so supportive.
So within moving in I learned very quickly that his wife was a loose cannon. I don't deal with confrontation very well at all. She would go off on my friend, a lot of the time for no reason. So it put me in a very uncomfortable situation and wondering if ever would become a situation where she'd start to do it with me. So far she hasn't but it's a concern of mine. Not only does she provoke fights with my friend but she's very loud in general. I pretty much stay in my bedroom and you can hear here throughout the apartment even when they're not fighting. Often times I'm awakened by her. They wake up early to go to work. I've lived here about a month and I've still haven't gotten use to her.
If you're wondering why I stay in my room all the time it's because they don't use their living room. It's filled with boxes of stuff and other clutter. Like literally there are stacks of stuff to almost the ceiling. For the most part I'm okay with that. As long as I have my room I'm happy. Overall it's been a pretty good month. It's been wonderful to finally have my own space and to contribute to the household. The place I live in has a pool and I'm pretty much down there most nights. Plus everyone who lives in this complex is so friendly. Usually in the evenings there are a group of neighbors who sit by the pool talking. I call them the meeting of the minds. So I've started to open up and blossom.
My relationship with my sister has also improved drastically. She's finally talking to me again and being kind like calling me Bub which has been my nickname since I was little. It's a southern thing. lol She also even told me that she'd pick me up anytime I wanted to visit. Which was a huge relief for me as I was worried she was going to cut me out of her life and I'd not be able to see the kids.
While things have been pretty good there are have been some situations that have started to put a crack into that wall. The wife can go off the handle at any given moment. I will be awoken in the middle of the night to them fighting, usually it's the wife yelling at my friend. It's extremely frightening to be waken up to that. I think she just wakes up gets mad and then wakes up my friend. It's so strange. Often times I hear them fighting and I get so nervous/cautious.
Last week I was sort of involved with her freak out. We were going out to dinner at a pizza place with one of their friends and she has a meltdown related to having to order more than one pizza because my friend is gluten free plus I'm picky. So I went into stranger danger mode and immediately left the apartment and told them that they could go eat and I was going swimming...
That's how I deal with confrontation, is I leave the situation. I've also noticed some passive aggressive behaviors from the wife as well. So that's been triggering. Like for example, she keeps moving my shower poof to on top of the toilet. Yesterday I found it in the trash. I'm hoping someone accidently knocked it into the trash. Another situation I was my grandmother's green bean recipe and it took longer than I anticipated. Our air conditioning wasn't working well and it was very hot out... and she had one of her meltdowns and ended up sleeping in the living room. My green beans were cooking on top of the stove and she turned them off without telling me. I tried to reheat them the next day and they were ruined.
Originally the terms of me moving in was paying $100 a month. I only get $200 a month from state disability. Well right before I moved in the wife lost her job so she pretty much insisted I pay all my money. They didn't really ask me she just expected me to do so. I did because I felt bad and didn't want them to not be able to pay rent. So that puts me in a tough situation as I don't have money for anything.
I get $180 for food and that's really not a lot. So I've gotten use to budgeting my money in order to spread it over a month which isn't always easy to do. A few days after I moved in we went grocery shopping. I figured we'd each get separate carts and each pay separately. Well that didn't happen which put me in panic mood as I'm always aware of how much I'm spending and having other food in the cart is tough for me to do that. I get sort of OCD when shopping as it can become a dangerous situation with my PTSD, well not really dangerous but for someone who's PTSD it feels that way.
Well it never dawned on me that they were expecting me to buy their food so when it came to checking out I had a panic attack well I had already had one but it got worse. I almost left the store without anything in the middle of shopping. I went into shut down mode right in front of the lane. The wife was with me as my friend had already checked out with stuff they were paying cash for... So finally I confronted the situation awkwardly. Finally after some discussing back in forth I caved in and bought their items which was over $40 in food and they bought items that weren't cheap either.
Later I explained to my friend (who I talk to about stuff) about why that was problematic as I'm always budgeting my money and was worried I would run out of money, and not have anything to eat. As it is with the money I get towards the end of the month I get low on food and have to live off what I have. So he seemed to understand and said if it got to where I didn't have any food they'd help me. So I was like okay. I don't have a problem with getting food and making meals but I want to have control of what I get. Like I got hamburger to make hamburgers a night for all. The stuff they got for food wasn't food to be made for meals.
Thankfully I had the courage to put up a boundary with my food money and shopping. I insisted that when we go shopping that we use separate carts and that we bought our own food. They understood. So now it's getting close the end of the month for more money and I'm getting low on food. They have made one group meal and that's been it. They make their food for dinner and don't include me. Which would be fine if they didn't use my food money. They've also been doing things and eating out (not including me ever) that cost money. So I excused the fact that I had no money and was using my food money on them because they needed it.
Since moving in I've visited my sister and the kids twice. The first time my friend became very possessive and gave me a hard time in regards to how long I was staying, and wanting to know exactly when I was coming home. I quickly nipped that in the bud. I came from a situation where I had to walk on eggshells and I told him that I couldn't do that. I pay my way here and want the flexibility to come and go as I please. He's not my boyfriend, so I don't have to check in with him. So that's added to the nervousness. Another boundary set.
Tonight I went to bed early. The anniversary of my Mom's death is coming up on September 9th. August is always a tough month as I spent most of that month in her hospital rooming watching her die. It took me over two years to leave that room. So August is extremely tough especially because I've gotten to a point where I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's just too painful but sometimes grief/pain has a way of seeping in. I had forgotten what this month was until a few days ago my sister shared a post from that time, which was a prayer post as my Mom started to go downhill. So it brought it all up again and triggered my PTSD. So the past few days I've been struggling to overcome and poke that PTSD bubble. Friends and family become strangers, and strangers become possible enemies. Nothing is safe. It's like I get transported to an alternate dimension like the one in The Stranger Things.
So I woke up early (around 4am) not being able to sleep. I got online to play a game and all of a sudden I hear the wife screaming at my friend. Instantly I went into panic mode. I could hear everything including her yelling at him to stop hitting her. Then I hear a slap and again her yelling at him to stop hitting her, that she was going to come get me. Most the times I don't hear my friend at all, I just hear her screaming and yelling.
So I went into a danger will robinson mode. Fight or flight. I had nowhere to go and was almost pushed to the point in confronting the situation by going into their room and saying WTF is going on. Though my fears set in and so I hid hoping that it would stop. This wasn't the first time I did this as this was a common occurance growing up with an abusive father. To add even more complexity to the situation my last relationship was somewhat abusive as my ex would go off like she would and about stupid stuff. Like on Thanksgiving day when he came inches from stabbing me in the thigh with a fork because of how I responded to him thinking he got a virus on my computer. I didn't say much other than I was frustrated. I didn't raise my voice or anything. The last straw was him almost hitting me in the head with a big stick, again coming within inches of my head. I almost stayed in that situation because I didn't think I deserved anything better. So this situation is triggering me on so many different levels.
I don't have anywhere else to go, so I'm stuck here. I'm so desperate for a court date so that I can get out on my own but I don't have a clue as to when that will be, and there are no guarantees on that even. As quickly as these blow ups start, they usually end fairly quickly and before long things go back to like nothing ever happened. Which I find very strange. So after about 30minutes of fighting they went back to bed. Until about an hour later and it started up again but not as severe. So I shut my door and put on headphones and tried to drown it all out. I was so scared that someone was going to come bursting through my door to harm me. I wish the door had a lock on it. I put my big fan in front of the door. I had thoughts of barricading the door, which I have done in the past in similar situations but I didn't do that. I was desperate to talk to someone and none of my friends was online. Well one was but he wasn't very helpful and made me feel worse. Thankfully I logged into the MS chatroom and talked to a very nice guy which helped me out dramatically. It was wonderful to connect with someone else who understood what I was going with, or at least empathised with my situation.
It's been over six years since I have been on here. I got to a point in my life where I didn't want to talk about the abuse or be involved with anything that involved it. So that's why I've stayed away but I've recently realized that even though the abuse isn't in the forefront of my life and the direct issues of what I'm going through the abuse still is affecting me in so many ways. Not to mention that I've been having flashbacks again. So tonight is a reminder of the importance of support which I have very little. My friend was the person I could talk to whatever was upsetting now he's the reason I'm upset, or at least part of it.
I'm so desperate for stability and safety. I thought I had found it but now that's in question. It leaves me wondering if I will ever find it... and relief... I just turned 40 and I'm so tired of fighting so hard against so much. I don't want to have to depend on anyone but I'm too bogged down to do anything about it... outside of trying to go for SSI. It's a waiting game and I'm not sure how long I can keep doing this. I keep holding on and waiting the storm out but they're constant. One storm passes and I have a day full of sunshine, and another one arrives at my door step. It feels like I have this storm cloud following me. It's so tough to stay positive. Yesterday I went swimming, which I normally do around 6pm. Not only it's a release from the heat but it allows me to get out of the house. The pool is safe and comfortable. Last night I was aware I was triggered (which doesn't always happen) and I tried to do some exercises to ground myself. I repeated over and over that I was strong, independent and I didn't need anyone. I've also been struggling being away from the family as well and feeling very lonely. It's a scary feeling to be all alone in this world. I've spent hours in the pool some night. The water is so cool and refreshing. I get sad when it's almost closing time. At 4am, I can't go to my comfort space. So all I can do is close my door, crank up the toons and wait for the storm to pass. I'm just wondering if the homeless shelter would have been a better option??? I was very worried about something like this happening.
I did send a message via facebook to my friend and asked him what in the world was going on, and asked him if he was hitting his wife... to he replied no, i'm not hitting (his wife's name). To which I responded well I can hear everything and that I heard her say you were, and then heard a slapping noise... He's yet to respond. I don't know what to do and in this fear bubble. My typical response is to go inward. It's so triggering of growing up and the dynamic between my parents. I feel like I'm a bad person if I don't get involved or do something but I just want to hide.
I've moved over an hour from my therapist so I'm currently without therapy. My insurance doesn't cover anyone in the county I live in so that's also very problematic. So I'm extremely thankful that this site exists. Sorry that this post is so long. I'm quite the talker, or writer in this case. lol I haven't been able to talk about most of this stuff until now, so it's been a huge relief. Thanks for reading!
Huggs
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