fight or flight or frozen
Several days ago I had a conversation with someone I had just met. He knew prior to our meeting that I had been raped as an adult and expressed that he was surprised at my size. I am 6'1" and weight about 230 lbs. (I'm having another conversation with Jenny Craig later in the week!). He was surprised because he had envision me being a little guy, unable to defend myself against the guy who raped me. His comment bothered me. I must stress that I do not think he meant any harm and I harbor no ill will toward this man. However, in the years since I was raped I have received other similar comments from people all centering around the issue of whether or not I defended myself. I'm sure the people I have told about my experience are genuinely surprised that such a thing could happen to me. Believe me, no one was more surprised than me! It bothers me because there is an implication that I maybe wanted it, or liked it, or whatever. I don't know. Maybe they are just surprised and that's all there is to it.
Without going into all the gory details, let me just say that I did say no, I did say stop, let my wishes be known, etc. It was clear I did not want to be penetrated. I have often asked myself over the years why I didn't fight back harder, or done something more to get away. Run it over and over and over in my head. The reality is that the guy was taller than I and used leverage and his left arm to pin me down. The whole thing was over in a few minutes, yet shattered my life.
What I'm getting at is that I suspect that for individuals who have been previously violated in some way, there is a third automatic response to the fight or flight mechanism. It is the state of being frozen, unable to protect oneself from what is clearly about to happen. Even if they have the physical means to do so. I remember feeling absolutely frozen, with no immediate thought to try to fight the guy off or run away or anything. It was simply not available to me for the few precious seconds it took for him to get the upper hand. I think this is because I had been victimized earlier in life by my mother who constantly violated my boundaries and used me to meet her needs, neglecting mine in the process. I was her pseudo-husband, so to speak. I think the same thing happens with guys who are sexuall abused as children. We are set up for future victimization in a variety of ways, some of them violent.
While I was using drugs, crystal meth, and having sex with lots of guys, there were three times I encountered guys who seemed defenseless in some way. Since these were casual encounters and I was unaware of their history, I had little to go on, but something seemed unusual. I could not figure it out at the time, but in retrospect I think I have. While having sex in one form or another, each of these guys seemed uncomfortable with what I was doing, like I was violating them in some way. It was very confusing for me because they continued to engage with me sexually at the time, even after I asked if everything was OK or if they wanted to stop. At the time I just figured I was misreading things, but the memory and confusion have stayed with me, bothering me to some degree. It is abhorrent to me to think that I may have been abusive to someone, even unwittingly.
Now I think that maybe they were experiencing what I went through. Sort of a frozen helplessness due to previous exploitations, such that they (and I) were rendered quite unable to stop the violation. This would explain why some people seem to have a history of multiple victimizations. The mechanism or filters that are available to most people for self-protection are simply not there for those who have been victims. This leaves us extra vulnerable to those who would exploit. Of course, this just makes things worse and leads to further victimization.
Maybe you guys know all this stuff already and I'm just a little slow on the uptake. But realizing this has helped me understand why it happened to me. I was at risk for such a thing and did not even know it. This expensive path of healing I have been on hopefully results in a better warning system so I don't spend my life as a victim. Thanks for listening/reading and for all the wonderful love and support I have received from so many of you.
Without going into all the gory details, let me just say that I did say no, I did say stop, let my wishes be known, etc. It was clear I did not want to be penetrated. I have often asked myself over the years why I didn't fight back harder, or done something more to get away. Run it over and over and over in my head. The reality is that the guy was taller than I and used leverage and his left arm to pin me down. The whole thing was over in a few minutes, yet shattered my life.
What I'm getting at is that I suspect that for individuals who have been previously violated in some way, there is a third automatic response to the fight or flight mechanism. It is the state of being frozen, unable to protect oneself from what is clearly about to happen. Even if they have the physical means to do so. I remember feeling absolutely frozen, with no immediate thought to try to fight the guy off or run away or anything. It was simply not available to me for the few precious seconds it took for him to get the upper hand. I think this is because I had been victimized earlier in life by my mother who constantly violated my boundaries and used me to meet her needs, neglecting mine in the process. I was her pseudo-husband, so to speak. I think the same thing happens with guys who are sexuall abused as children. We are set up for future victimization in a variety of ways, some of them violent.
While I was using drugs, crystal meth, and having sex with lots of guys, there were three times I encountered guys who seemed defenseless in some way. Since these were casual encounters and I was unaware of their history, I had little to go on, but something seemed unusual. I could not figure it out at the time, but in retrospect I think I have. While having sex in one form or another, each of these guys seemed uncomfortable with what I was doing, like I was violating them in some way. It was very confusing for me because they continued to engage with me sexually at the time, even after I asked if everything was OK or if they wanted to stop. At the time I just figured I was misreading things, but the memory and confusion have stayed with me, bothering me to some degree. It is abhorrent to me to think that I may have been abusive to someone, even unwittingly.
Now I think that maybe they were experiencing what I went through. Sort of a frozen helplessness due to previous exploitations, such that they (and I) were rendered quite unable to stop the violation. This would explain why some people seem to have a history of multiple victimizations. The mechanism or filters that are available to most people for self-protection are simply not there for those who have been victims. This leaves us extra vulnerable to those who would exploit. Of course, this just makes things worse and leads to further victimization.
Maybe you guys know all this stuff already and I'm just a little slow on the uptake. But realizing this has helped me understand why it happened to me. I was at risk for such a thing and did not even know it. This expensive path of healing I have been on hopefully results in a better warning system so I don't spend my life as a victim. Thanks for listening/reading and for all the wonderful love and support I have received from so many of you.
