Fiancee told me about sexual/physical abuse

[lovinghim2005]

I confronted my fiancee last night about some suspicions I had about online pornography and sexual discussions with strangers. After talking for a while, he got very emotional and said "you haven't had something so painful happen to you that you can't talk about it." to which I said "That is true, but honey, we are going to get married; you can tell me anything! If you can't be open and honest with me, then we have no business getting married." Then he dropped the bomb--he told me he had been sexually and physically abused in his past. It was clear that he didn't want to discuss it any further at that point, and I of course told him how sorry I was and that I was here for him and that I loved him. I'm just devistated. I can't stop thinking about him as a child and how horrible and terrifying the experience must have been for him. It's killing me and I want to help him, but I don't know how. I am worried because I think I am the first person he has ever told about this and that he's been hiding this secret for his whole life. I have heard that it's not good to repress your feelings, especially when there is abuse involved, but I don't want to push him before he is ready to talk about it. Any suggestions on where to go from here? I was going to write him a letter explaining how I am here for him and that I think he should get help and have him save it to read when he is ready to think about that time again. I just want to help him and I feel completely helpless and angry at his family, because my suspicion is that it was his father who did this (he was an alcoholic). But, I don't know that for a fact, and his father is dead, so I don't know. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[lostcowboy]

to start. https://www.rapecrisiscenter.com/Male%20Rape%20Info%20Sheet.html

Also this book on rape helped me. link

Don't try to push him to fast.
take care
Lostcowboy

[edited to shorten link-- S]

 

[lovinghim2005]

Thanks...I am so relieved to just have someone answer me. I am trying not to push him, so that's why I am asking what I should do here. I feel like since he told me, maybe he wants help. So should I just wait for him to bring it up again? What if he never does?

 

[lostcowboy]

Oh, he will. One of the things you can do is show him the site here. Even if he never talks here it will help to know he is not alone. I was raped in 1968 when I was 11 years old, first time I told someone was in 1980, could only say I had been raped, In 1992, I read that book, it really helped. In November of 2004 I found this site, only on here have I ever been able to talk about it in detail. In real life, I did tell my wife and immediate family in 1992, but no details.

 

[lovinghim2005]

I would love to show him the website--I'm afraid he would be offended, though. Like I am pushing the issue or something.

I'm really afraid of if this is going to affect our relationship. We're getting married in September, so this is a lot for both of us to handle right now. We have been together for 5 years, and just this past February, I became a born-again Christian and asked him if we could wait until we were married to have sex. He was upset, but agreed. Now, with our honeymoon coming up, and him disclosing his abuse to me, I'm afraid to initiate sex with him. I don't want to cause him any more pain. He made some comment about being a "sexual person" last night when I confronted him about pornography. Is this common among survivors--looking at pornography a lot?

This is all just such a shock to me... I knew he had demons, but not ones this big. I still love him no matter what though and definitely want to spend the rest of my life with him. If that means having to support him recovering from abuse, I am in it for the long haul. I truly believe God brought us together to help each other.

Thanks for listening.

 

[EGL]

Here are my thoughts on some of the things you said:

I can't stop thinking about him as a child and how horrible and terrifying the experience must have been for him.

You have hit it on the head there about what the vast majority of sexual abuse survivors suffer through. Not only at the time, but I believe even more so later as we replay the abuse over and over and over in our minds. It's like a lifelong nightmare without end. I don't mean to make that sound melodramatic, but want to put it into the proper perspective for you. It is something that reaches far beyond the actual event itself.

I am worried because I think I am the first person he has ever told about this and that he's been hiding this secret for his whole life.

That would not be at all unusual. There are many men, myself included, who never tell anyone until they finally feel comfortable enough with their wife to tell them. Some on this board it took 30 years or longer of marraige to reach that comfort level. For myself, it took 16 years of marriage before I told my wife, and she was the first person I ever told.

I was going to write him a letter explaining how I am here for him and that I think he should get help...

If I were you, I REALLY, REALLY would reconsider that last phrase. He could see it as an attempt to control him, or ever worse, that you see him as "defective" because of the abuse, i.e., "You need help!" If he brings it up, then you might gently agree, but I would be really hesitant to try to push anyone into therapy. I made the decision on my own to do it, and would have resisted it had anyone else tried to push me into it.

I just want to help him and I feel completely helpless and angry at his family...

One of the greatest things about my wife is that she is angry for me. That means a lot to me that she is like a pitbull on a leash who would rip out my abuser's throat in a second if I were to let go of the leash. Knowing that you have someone like that on your side is a great comfort. It provides a feeling of validation and solidarity.

 

[SAR]

Eddie, I never thought that I'd be witness to such a romantic instance of a guy comparing his wife to a pitbull.

That means a lot to me that she is like a pitbull on a leash who would rip out my abuser's throat in a second if I were to let go of the leash

All kidding aside, it means a lot to me that you say that. Thanks.

 

[bdr]

hi

your situation seems so similar to my own-but i was on the side
my partner found me accessing pornography and having sexual discussions with strangers -she couldn't understand it-and in truth neither could I-to cut a long story short i found this site and just reading it helped me to understand what was going on
i agree with the posters above you cant push someone into this kind of thing-but i think u do need to challenge him if his behaviour is unacceptable (he knows it is too).
that way it will stop the spiral down and give him the chance to regain control of his life-any suggestions should be done in a non-confrontational atmosphere-not when you are pissed at him-but when you are talking quietly

and hopefully he will take the step himself

best of luck

bdr

 

[Mystic Rhythm]

Hello LH2005.

I'm a survivor as well and I too watch pornography on a regular basis. Not proud of it, but ... whoa this is a lot harder than I imagined...

*recomposes himself*

Whatever the reasons might be for a guy to look at porn, be it exciting, instructional, etc., ...OK nevermind.


I'll go to another point you made. You want to help him but not push him. I can easily relate to that from his point of view. I lost my best friend here at work because she used "Tough Love" on me, criticizing me on my posture, choices of drink when we'd go hang out, shoes, clothes, you name it. She felt she could be Mrs. Fix-It and make me better, make my suffering go away.

It backfired... on both of us.

I know she was simply trying to do her best to be a supporting friend, but while trying to positively change me, it had a very negative effect - it made me feel like the way I was was totally worthless. "Change this way into this man or you're not worthy of my friendship." - that's what kept ringing in my head. And I spent my energy trying to make her comfortable around me and doing my best to change the way she wanted. We drained each other's energies dry to the point where we had enough of each other and we had a very ugly fight, to the point where if we speak to each other again, we'll file legal action. Well I know she will, I'll only do so if she does to countersuit.

But I digress from my point. My point is that my ex-friend here didn't have the tools necessary to help me properly. Probably the greatest tool is the ability to listen without trying to fix things.

Listen and support the decisions he makes. Feel free to gently help him get the help he needs and deserves AFTER listening, never before, like bdr mentioned above. If my ex-friend had just done that and let me just talk and she listen, we'd most likely still be friends now. But it's too late for us. She's just not the forgiving type. Man last thing I want is to hijack this thread.

Anyways. Just listen and support. It's a good start, and if he asks for help, feel free to be prepared for that, like showing this site as an example. Make sure to take it slowly at his pace too.

Best wishes
MR

 

[Grobut]

Much of what has to be said has been said allready, IE not confronting him, be a good listener, support and love, letting him take this at his own pace, they seem like small things, but will mean the world to him.

So i'll adress another question of yours: the porn thing.

We are very messed up and confused people when it comes to sex, understandably enough, right? afterall for most of us it was forced upon us even before our own bodies had anything even resembling a sexuality, or at the age where we where just starting to develop it.

Alot of survivors develop a sort of sex addiction because of what happened, and even use it as a form of therapy for themselves, its a complicated matter, but has alot more to do with emotions and figuring ourselves out and trying to cope than sex, its all about confusion, at some strange level we are still trapped inside that little hurt boy trying to figure things out.

Hope that helps somehow.

 

[PAS]

"One of the greatest things about my wife is that she is angry for me. That means a lot to me that she is like a pitbull on a leash who would rip out my abuser's throat in a second if I were to let go of the leash. Knowing that you have someone like that on your side is a great comfort. It provides a feeling of validation and solidarity."

I have had many dreams of running over my H's abuser with my car.. I'd rip out his throat or kick the crap out of him too.

H and I now have a little girl too and I think I've got the capacity to eat someone alive who tried to hurt EITHER my daughter or my husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRR LOOKOUT FOR MAMA BEAR!!!!!!!!!

P

 

[PAS]

Originally posted by Grobut:
We are very messed up and confused people when it comes to sex, understandably enough, right? afterall for most of us it was forced upon us even before our own bodies had anything even resembling a sexuality, or at the age where we where just starting to develop it.

Alot of survivors develop a sort of sex addiction because of what happened, and even use it as a form of therapy for themselves, its a complicated matter, but has alot more to do with emotions and figuring ourselves out and trying to cope than sex, its all about confusion, at some strange level we are still trapped inside that little hurt boy trying to figure things out.

Hope that helps somehow.

Yes - Although I dont like it I konw my H dabbles in porn and has masturbation issues.. in my opinion there's an acceptable line for "sex addition" and to me, that type of stuff is relatively ok.. KNOWING that he's trying to work out issues related to SA. However, acting out with others, cheating, going to prostitutes, etc. is NOT acceptable with me and I have let my H know that. I dont like the masturbation/porn stuff but for now I have to accept it for what it is, I KONW that he's not cheating, and he really is trying to work stuff out, and we also talk about it - he doesnt do this stuff in total secrecy which makes me feel a lot more secure.

 

[TRACYUK]

Hi I'm also new here, this is the first time I've posted.

I am in a similar situation to yourself, (been together 9 years, just got engaged with a view to getting married next year) I discovered 2-3 months ago my partner had been "acting out/renacting the abuse/coping" with sexually addictive behaviour.

He then told me he had been sexually abused by a family friend when he was a small boy. I was/am devastated on so many levels.
He is now in therapy with a fantastic specialist organistion and we are in couples therapy. One of the things that I have discovered is that in trying so hard not to upset him further or add to his torment I was tippytoeing around my issues/feelings including those of anger. Whilst I feel its extreamly important to understand where he is at and how you can best be of help to him and avoid making things worse, once I started to say things how they were to me I was very surprised that one of his reactions was relief.
He says his life has felt so removed and unreal that to hear me speaking and acting honestly and from the heart is very reasurring for him, even when its been things I would have thought he didn't want to hear. For me a really important thing has been educating myself about child SA. I have read Laura Davies/Ellen Bass -courage to heal and Allies in healing and also Mike Lew - victims no longer. I found all of them very helpful.

there seem to be so many knowledgable people on this site who contriute to discussions and I am very inexperienced in all this, I do think thoughnI can understand how you might feel at the moment.

I'd say, Get as much help as support as you can for YOU and get advise as to how best to help your partner. I feel lucky that my partner is throwing himself into healing and seems absolutly determined to take control of his life. I can honestly say that 2-3 months later it feels as if there are mountains to climb but I am proud of him (and me) and very hopeful for our future.

Good luck and lots of love

Tracy