Fetishes due to sexual abuse
Fetishes due to sexual abuse
- Thread startersteve watts
- Start date
SetecAstronomy
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My same sex attraction is 100% around “fetishes”. I have no romantic interest in men, but I want to feel sexually controlled (and therefore desired).
steve watts
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Dolphin42
Registrant
My sexual/dating/romantic attraction to men and women is also vastly different, not fetish, but not interchangeable.
Recently I've not been interested in women at all, and realized that after my narcissistic ex (female) with years of her infidelity, divorce, then years of family court drama, years of pathological lying, all with her female bully behavior (reputation destruction, innuendo, and gossip) going on in the background, I now mostly find all women slightly repulsive, dangerous, and/or crazy/mental/sick. Its like I'm looking for reasons to not be involved with women. That will subside when the dust settles with my ex, but that's where I'm at today. This is fetish off-topic, more of an anti-fetish.
SetecAstronomy
Registrant
I have tried to get my partner to play into my fetishes but she won’t because she sees it as “abusing me again”. I think it could be healing to play with those things in a non-shameful and loving way.
Of course if your fetishes could be harmful that’s another matter.
steve watts
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my wife says the same. she will play ‘care giver not mommy’
Great topic. I've hesitating posting because of the incredible shame I feel around my fetishes or kinks, if you will. I've not seen any posts or topics that address this which of course like all CSA victims somehow leads us to think that "we're the only one". I decided to share it here in case this has been someone else's experience. I imagine how comforting it might be to have somebody say..."wow! Me too!"
The one indelible impression CSA has had on me is how it has seemingly frozen my sexual development at the age where the abuse took place. While I had two abusers, one at age seven, and then a sibling at age eight (I'm 58 now) I find myself caught in a time loop where the same things that caused me to experience fairly intense arousal before and around the time of the abuse are still what I fantasize about. Whether it be actual events or situations that are pretty common to a lot of pre-teens from that time. Sometimes it's the memories of the actual abuse but usually it's just the juvenile expressions of sexual curiosity before we ever started to experience attraction.
(Possible TW). One example would be how as early as four years old I would hide somewhere in the house, undress, and wait in anticipation for the moment I would get caught and usually spanked. Try telling your wife or partner you want to role-play that one. That didn't go so well for me. There are words or phrases that go along with these memories that trigger an intense sexual response every time which I won't share here. I've even tried to indulge in phone sex in the past to tell these experiences and fantasies to a complete stranger that I was paying to listen but would often start to feel that overwhelming shame when I would think about even sharing those triggering phrases. Or sometimes the operator would try to steer things in a direction I didn't' want to go leaving me more ashamed and frustrated. I know a lot of people have spanking fetishes, or some other exhibitionistic, or forced nudity kinks....but I seem to have a complete mental block when trying to imagine those playing out in any adult context. I don't see myself as an adult sexual being... I'm still that confused kid who enjoyed the attention and naughty fun both of my abusers tricked me into participating in, but now it angers me that they took advantage of me and locked me in a time-warp where I equally crave and detest their touch. It's a circular path from which I can find no exit.
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The one indelible impression CSA has had on me is how it has seemingly frozen my sexual development at the age where the abuse took place. While I had two abusers, one at age seven, and then a sibling at age eight (I'm 58 now) I find myself caught in a time loop where the same things that caused me to experience fairly intense arousal before and around the time of the abuse are still what I fantasize about. Whether it be actual events or situations that are pretty common to a lot of pre-teens from that time. Sometimes it's the memories of the actual abuse but usually it's just the juvenile expressions of sexual curiosity before we ever started to experience attraction.
(Possible TW). One example would be how as early as four years old I would hide somewhere in the house, undress, and wait in anticipation for the moment I would get caught and usually spanked. Try telling your wife or partner you want to role-play that one. That didn't go so well for me. There are words or phrases that go along with these memories that trigger an intense sexual response every time which I won't share here. I've even tried to indulge in phone sex in the past to tell these experiences and fantasies to a complete stranger that I was paying to listen but would often start to feel that overwhelming shame when I would think about even sharing those triggering phrases. Or sometimes the operator would try to steer things in a direction I didn't' want to go leaving me more ashamed and frustrated. I know a lot of people have spanking fetishes, or some other exhibitionistic, or forced nudity kinks....but I seem to have a complete mental block when trying to imagine those playing out in any adult context. I don't see myself as an adult sexual being... I'm still that confused kid who enjoyed the attention and naughty fun both of my abusers tricked me into participating in, but now it angers me that they took advantage of me and locked me in a time-warp where I equally crave and detest their touch. It's a circular path from which I can find no exit.
'
I was sexually abused by my father as a toddler, gang raped at a hunting camp at age 12, and sexually abused by a priest at 15. I had repressed all theses memories until they came back beginning at age 38. I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and DID. I was in intensive therapy after age 38 for 6 years and have reentered therapy on and off through the years. I was in a survivor's group for a few years. I have been gifted with two wonderful therapists and a fully supportive wife. My faith has also helped me. It's a long struggle but worth it. There have been many positive changes in my life over the years. I have 2 children and 6 grandchildren. I am 67 years old. My fetish is adult diapers which I have noticed is similar to a few other individuals who post here. This is my first time posting. What a wonderful site.
Petern:
I’m so sorry to hear about your story. I’m glad that you found help through your wife, faith and therapy.
We have the same fetish but the struggle to find healing is difficult for me.
Pollux