Great topic. I've hesitating posting because of the incredible shame I feel around my fetishes or kinks, if you will. I've not seen any posts or topics that address this which of course like all CSA victims somehow leads us to think that "we're the only one". I decided to share it here in case this has been someone else's experience. I imagine how comforting it might be to have somebody say..."wow! Me too!"
The one indelible impression CSA has had on me is how it has seemingly frozen my sexual development at the age where the abuse took place. While I had two abusers, one at age seven, and then a sibling at age eight (I'm 58 now) I find myself caught in a time loop where the same things that caused me to experience fairly intense arousal before and around the time of the abuse are still what I fantasize about. Whether it be actual events or situations that are pretty common to a lot of pre-teens from that time. Sometimes it's the memories of the actual abuse but usually it's just the juvenile expressions of sexual curiosity before we ever started to experience attraction.
(Possible TW). One example would be how as early as four years old I would hide somewhere in the house, undress, and wait in anticipation for the moment I would get caught and usually spanked. Try telling your wife or partner you want to role-play that one. That didn't go so well for me. There are words or phrases that go along with these memories that trigger an intense sexual response every time which I won't share here. I've even tried to indulge in phone sex in the past to tell these experiences and fantasies to a complete stranger that I was paying to listen but would often start to feel that overwhelming shame when I would think about even sharing those triggering phrases. Or sometimes the operator would try to steer things in a direction I didn't' want to go leaving me more ashamed and frustrated. I know a lot of people have spanking fetishes, or some other exhibitionistic, or forced nudity kinks....but I seem to have a complete mental block when trying to imagine those playing out in any adult context. I don't see myself as an adult sexual being... I'm still that confused kid who enjoyed the attention and naughty fun both of my abusers tricked me into participating in, but now it angers me that they took advantage of me and locked me in a time-warp where I equally crave and detest their touch. It's a circular path from which I can find no exit.