Feminine Nuturing , reiki

[Bowierocks]

I was abused by my older brother and of course I blame myself . I wish my mom could of protected me from all the violence and sex but I never told her and covered for him when I was injured one time . I had lead lodged in my ear when he jammed a pencil in it and the school nurse was concerned . My mom was ticked and a asked me straight out what happened and I said we were just playing around . . Anyway the abuse screwed up the relationship with my mom . It turned on my sexuality and as my mom was quite beautiful and close I developed some fantasies towards her . I didn't act them out and my mom was likely a survivor herself as not real touchy-feely and ended up ironically counseling survivors which kills me . . So anger and shame and disgust got all mixed together ... I married someone who has all her positive qualities and ethnicity . Like her , she is loyal but in some ways harsh and isn't as empathethetic as I would like . So I find myself recently going with escorts just to be close to a woman and feel compassion . I am not really interested in sex , which I think back fires as they have all been interested in sex . I just want to feel close so engage in some forplay . But really it's feeling the intensity of being heard and close and relaxed . Most are survivors and we can relate to one another . In fact , one I am friends with. Only on an blog could I admit this and it feels safe as I don't do anything intense , there is no way it will threaten my marriage unless of course my wife finds out . But honestly , she sees me getting better and it's being heard and held and accepted that heals me . I just need a lot of affection and my wife being normal and busy with three kids won't ever get it , but I need validation and I need to verbally express it and being held . I I know some women will shake their head in disgust and it is with much trepidation that I post this . However , I really can't let my gaurd down with a man , and after reiki massage , I found myself sobbing in the arms of someone I just meet but I found release . I was wondering if any survivors felt the same and I want to apologize if I have offended someone . But going through the trauma I find myself having sexual feelings and it feels much safer with a woman who I find attractive . I guess I afraid of being raped by talking about it .

 

[Bowierocks]

Well , a bit silent . Always been a maverick in my approach to things. Way more About acceptance and being heard than sex

 

[Mishka95673]

.

 

[Sterling]

I read your post Bowierocks , it was recent .
I copied and pasted it in my own email account.
(I hope you don't mind this.- and I hope Malesurvivor
doesn't mind me posting this . I couldn't find this,
don't know if you removed this post.)

the following you wrote:
( Bowierocks Offline


Registered: 12/23/15
Posts: 35
Loc: Seattle WA

I was abused by my older brother and of course I blame myself . I wish my mom could of protected me from all the violence and sex but I never told her and covered for him when I was injured one time . I had lead lodged in my ear when he jammed a pencil in it and the school nurse was concerned . My mom was ticked and a asked me straight out what happened and I said we were just playing around . . Anyway the abuse screwed up the relationship with my mom . It turned on my sexuality and as my mom was quite beautiful and close I developed some fantasies towards her . I didn't act them out and my mom was likely a survivor herself as not real touchy-feely and ended up ironically counseling survivors which kills me . . So anger and shame and disgust got all mixed together ... I married someone who has all her positive qualities and ethnicity . Like her , she is loyal but in some ways harsh and isn't as empathethetic as I would like . So I find myself recently going with escorts just to be close to a woman and feel compassion . I am not really interested in sex , which I think back fires as they have all been interested in sex . I just want to feel close so engage in some forplay . But really it's feeling the intensity of being heard and close and relaxed . Most are survivors and we can relate to one another . In fact , one I am friends with. Only on an blog could I admit this and it feels safe as I don't do anything intense , there is no way it will threaten my marriage unless of course my wife finds out . But honestly , she sees me getting better and it's being heard and held and accepted that heals me . I just need a lot of affection and my wife being normal and busy with three kids won't ever get it , but I need validation and I need to verbally express it and being held . I I know some women will shake their head in disgust and it is with much trepidation that I post this . However , I really can't let my gaurd down with a man , and after reiki massage , I found myself sobbing in the arms of someone I just meet but I found release . I was wondering if any survivors felt the same and I want to apologize if I have offended someone . But going through the trauma I find myself having sexual feelings and it feels much safer with a woman who I find attractive . I guess I afraid of being raped by talking about it . )


NOw I broke it up and shared my thoughts if you don't mind.
If this pisses you off, then I am sorry and we will see
each other at another post.

You mentioned you married a woman similar to that of your mom.
Are you in love with your wife?
Bud I would find someone to discuss your reason for acting
on these needs ; such as going to escorts.
You may have needed love when you were young and this is why
you are going to other women...

if you want closeness

You mentioned you blame yourself for the abuse done to you.
Please don't!
SEcond you say you wished your mom could have protected you
from the abuse.
Bowierocks you also say that you developed fantasies about
your mom.
if you had a mom who loved you....would you still marry
the woman who is your wife, today?
I might come off as an asshole.
You needed love and deserved it!
You mom didn't do the right thing and so this may have caused
you to act out this way.
Just ask yourself , why I married a woman who has the same
qualities as my mother?
I know b/c I never had a dad; I can get clingy if a guy gives me attention and I sometimes assume immediately he wants sex and that it is okay. But it was never okay for me to have sex
with men or women as a boy.
I really needed love and affection, but not sex.
But if my mom didn't accept me; and love me back then.
These needs don't disappear. And so we act on them
in different ways .
( sorry if I sound like a therapist),
Why didn't my mom help me ? I loved her.
Fastforward decades later..."I still need this love and
affection, even if it doesn't make sense, boy can I use
that love right now. What do I feel like doing rather
than feel the icky feelings of anger toward my mom b/c she
wasn't there...I will find other ways to feel loved."
It may not make sense. This is why I ask if you have
a therapist and if you do maybe you should try discussing this.
It is common for guys to eroticize about their mom.
Especially when they are needed -mom's are needed when we are young.
She didn't look after you as well as you needed to be in my opinion.
I am highly-sensitive and I never got the mothering I needed.

(I know some women will shake their head in disgust and it is with much trepidation that I post this)

Try not to be too concerned what others think.
We are all here to support one another.

(. However , I really can't let my gaurd down with a man , and after reiki massage , I found myself sobbing in the arms of someone I just meet but I found release . I was wondering if any survivors felt the same and I want to apologize if I have offended someone )


You didn't offend me! I said some scary stuff here that
I don't want to remember.

(But going through the trauma I find myself having sexual feelings and it feels much safer with a woman who I find attractive . I guess I afraid of being raped by talking about it .)

Fear of being raped is very common.
I have a hard-time bending over to pick something up, even
when I am the only one in the room.

I hope this isn't overwhelming.
And I do hope Malesurvivor posts it.
Thanks again, Bowierocks and
I hope everything is going awesome for you!

James

 

[Sterling]

may be I should shut up!
and follow my own advice .
but I don't like it when some posts
don't get a response.
the best to you bud.

James

 

[trishy]

Hi there,
I felt like Mishka, as a loving wife, I'd want to be in discussion with you about your needs. To have a chance to see you, if my busy life means I havent seen or heard my hubby... getting into couples T to work together on increasing intimacy between you both could help.

Good on you for contributing Stirling, also, its always appreciated.
Cheers trish

 

[dark empathy]

@Bowierocks, this doesn't sound sick or wrong to me.
One thing I'm just learning, is that love making is only one part of a far larger type of intimacy and communication.

My lady is naturally very physical, and very loving, and I'm realizing that I am as well, and furthermore, that I actually am not going to hurt her. We do a huge amount of touching, cuddling, holding hands, reading together, not to mention little intimate things like washing each other's hair, indeed one of the most intensively personal and deeply loving things we do is each day I brush her hair out, and on one occasion we did such while reading the "love is patient" passage from corrinthians. Yes, we make love, as and when that part of our intimacy goes that way, but it's not a thing in and of itself we decide to do, and indeed I personally wouldn't like things to be like that, to just "have s/x!" as a thing separate and a stated purpose divorced from intimacy, that would be too close to my own abuse.

I'd suggest personally trying some of this none s/xual communication with your wife, maybe doing some things like washing each other's hair etc, maybe spending time togethe, holding hands while watching films or cuddling.

it's a form of acceptance and healing I've really appreciated, and something my fiance also loves, indeed friends have said that being around us is quite beautiful and somewhat overwhelming just because of how much we communicate physically.

One friend of my parents even noted that sinse both my fiance and I are registered blind, what most couples do with glances and eye contact, we do with holdding hands and cuddling, which she described as "very sensual", and probably is an ironic advantage of a disability.

Luke.

 

[KMCINVA]

Bowierocks

I read your words and one thing jumps out, the need to be heard, being close and relaxed. That is hard because, at least for me, I buried emotions and had fears of someone learning my secret. At the same time, I must have gravitated toward people who are basically good but could not put me into a position of feeling I was being heard or being close to me. I think the way you see your wife and your experience with someone else that meet your needs: "I need validation and I need to verbally express it and being held". Acceptance is so important. Your wife is probably a good woman who as you said was loyal but harsh and not as empathetic as you may need. Your wife like us are products of our childhood. Your wife may see her way as the only way because of what she learned as a child. I have learned many spouses do not understand the need to put the needs of each other first, instead they get lost in children, parents and others. I have learned look at your perspective partner's family and you will see your future life. I too needed to feel validated, loved and important in her life, I did not. How much was from the abuse and how much was from her actions is up for debate. For me, I did not have that sense of validation and feeling important, I felt alone and abandoned. For me I would dissociate, move on with life without conscious memory of my motions and actions. Doctors say I probably was trying to fill the void of not feeling important and the child within trying to feel part of life--but he was not part of my life as far as I was concerned. Well he got payback by taking me on some wild journeys, how wild I will not know but I would be gone for short periods of time and other times for days. We all cope differently. In a way I envy you, you do not fragment and I wish I could see my full life without lost time and gaps.

I believe relationships are complicated but words I have heard from many, to have a happy and fulfilling relationship both parties must put each other first, before all others, children, parents, siblings, etc. Both parties must feel that sense of importance. If things are not working out, maybe you and your wife could seek counseling so she can understand your emotional needs?

I found this validation with someone, she reconnected me and gave me a sense of validation and importance. However, our life destination are driven by different goals and needs. She is not here as she use to be, and it is hard, the constant and daily interaction--emotionally and physically. I knew this up front, the risk was worth it and now I need to understand there are woman out there who know and understand the importance of their partner's emotional needs and I too have learned much. The positives but the loneliness can sometimes be crippling. I have many who are here for me and their kindness is wonderful and I am open to meeting someone again. I know I need kind and compassionate people in my life and I have the need to avoid those who trigger the past and deny the CSA and its impact on me. The latter pushes me into despair--part of healing is learning what to avoid.

Good luck and thank you for sharing a very personal part of your life.

Kevin

 

[Bowierocks]

If I was married to you, I would want to hear what you wrote above. As your loving wife, it is my role to be the arms you sob in. As your loving wife, it is my role to ensure that I give you sufficient affection, acceptance, and validation - I would gladly pick up my game IF I knew you needed more from me. And you are right - if I learned you were cheating on me, I would take the kids and leave. I wonder if couple's therapy would be helpful. You should come first, not the kids because if the parents have weakness in the relationship, the whole family is at risk

Thanks , that's what I figured . I have tried to tell her that I am in pain and need to mourne . I feel so needy at times, but it always gets thrown back at me . Like I walk in the door after sobbing and somehow the discussion turns to how hard it is for her ... Simple romance is lacking although there is lots of love .. It is such a drag going through this daily that I want it just go shack up in some hotel and get high and forget it all . It hurts . Yesterday I was told I am on administrative leave to get evaluated for not being myself . Yes no kidding I am not myself .

 

[Bowierocks]

may be I should shut up!
and follow my own advice .
but I don't like it when some posts
don't get a response.
the best to you bud.

James

No that was excellent James . Just hard to take it all in .it kinda of cut to the core . My dad basically didn't count . He was a fairly famous physician and wasn't around at all. So I am wondering if he had been around just a little instead of being at the hospital , we would have been better off, my brothers and I . Lots to digest here. Thanks . Bowie

 

[Mishka95673]

.

 

[Bowierocks]

Thanks . Just trying to look at her and remember that she is beautiful and I love her . We see a therapist together and she says she is on my side so I guess when I hear anger I feel like something bad is going to happen . But that's just her . She just gets ticked off and yells but she's not hateful . Slapped me hard accross the cheek hard once but nothing too bad. She is the one I am closest too .

 

[Bowierocks]

Anyway found someone who I can talk too and listens to me . She is a sensual masseuse but not an escort . We focus on connecting to our bodies . I know this is weird but I feel more comfortable naked . She is fully dressed . Maybe because I feel naked when talking about the abuse . I know that's out there . .. My abuse consisted of receiving felatio. Never had an orgasm and separated myself for my body . So I wanted to relive it under my terms - wife doesn't really do that . So I confess I went to like 6 escorts . Pretty terrified and totally anorgasmic. Most of them wanted to have intercourse and I couldn't go there which baffled or turned them on . A few were survivors so there is a quick bond . But finally figured out how not to stay in my head during sex . Focused on the sensation . That works . Happy to say felkatio finally worked . I know this is weird and slutty but I want a normal sex life or am just trying to rationalize being a lusty guy? Also maybe the same parallel, as they are definitely enjoying it ( physical signs of arousal / orgasm , smiling ) So , it's a way of justifying having sex with strangers as getting paid or they sure are pros as I couldn't fake those signs . I do feel a lot better - haven't told anyone as too ashamed . Would never want to hurt my wife .

 

[Mishka95673]

.

 

[Bowierocks]

Frankly she will do it just not too skilled and doesn't like to do it . She was a good catholic girl until she meet me . If she doesn't like to do it , then not going to force it . My former girlfriends were very experienced sexually and it just didvt work . I guess that pissed me off that it still effected me . It's a very simplistic approach but it's defiance of fear and feeling dirty . I want sex to be normal . You know what I mean ? I think touch for me always means sex so yes for me they both feel sexual . I wish in some ways it didn't . I think like a lot of us here I had a switch to my sexuality turned on a long time ago . I used to play ' doctor ' a lot when really young with other girls my age . I think something happened with an aunt a long time ago as I get wicked triggered by older women with gray hair . I feel absolutely gross like I am going to puke and scared . .. I am reading sexuall healing and wanted to do some of the exercises with my wife but she doesn't have the patience . In some ways we have our gender roles reversed .

 

[DaiseyLady]

Bowie,

All things aside in the above thread. Reiki helps pull out any negative energy you may have stuck in you. It sounds like your session was helpful in releasing some of it. I can share that multiple Reiki sessions definitely helped me. I would encourage you to keep up with that modality.

 

[Bowierocks]

Thanks .. It was very hard and hadn't truly cried in the longest time . It usually comes out as a laugh . This one was a deep wound .

 

[Judith]

HI Bowierocks.
I have wanted to respond to this thread but as you read in my other response on another my dad with terminal cancer leukemia AML is why the delay. see details over there.

responses below yours.

Someone else wrote this below. and i want to respond use it and this is what i have always use below to be the main reason why i respond to what i respond to. I come from a child perspective. see below

If I was married to you, I would want to hear what you wrote above. As your loving wife, it is my role to be the arms you sob in. As your loving wife, it is my role to ensure that I give you sufficient affection, acceptance, and validation - I would gladly pick up my game IF I knew you needed more from me. And you are right - if I learned you were cheating on me, I would take the kids and leave. I wonder if couple's therapy would be helpful. You should come first, not the kids because if the parents have weakness in the relationship, the whole family is at risk

Judith: Exactly. I have seen this in my own life with my parents as well as my sisters and others i have helped adn so on.
Wife can help a husband to heal I have seen that with the fathers/friends i have talk to -in the husband helping the wife to heal with someone to guide them. The children have improved. I have seen with my own parents when they had sex -i could feel good when they were getting along. This is an example of healing sexual trauma can also do the same.


Thanks , that's what I figured . I have tried to tell her that I am in pain and need to mourne . I feel so needy at times, but it always gets thrown back at me . Like I walk in the door after sobbing and somehow the discussion turns to how hard it is for her ... Simple romance is lacking although there is lots of love .. It is such a drag going through this daily that I want it just go shack up in some hotel and get high and forget it all . It hurts . Yesterday I was told I am on administrative leave to get evaluated for not being myself . Yes no kidding I am not myself .

Judith: Sometimes the woman cant be the mother to help the person to heal and that is why another woman can help a father i call him to heal. I have seen that with the fathers/friends i have helped. AS well as Some saw the benefit of talking to me and one of them told me so.
With trauma you need to heal the pain fo the past. And she may not be able to help you wtih some of your stuff you need help with. MOther son issues is come into play and that is probably why she is responding as she is. You both need someone to unload on in order to help each other. It is hard for her to see her husband suffering and not able to get what she needs from her husband. There is five marital needs a wife needs from her husband. harley in his book names five she needs and five you need. Her as an example is conversation. Yours is like recreational companionship.
Yes it hurts and i am sorry it hurts. I encourage you do seek help it is worth it.

 

[Judith]

HI

I want to respond to them and so on but local things happening beyond my control and so that has delay me. i need to be ...

I feel bad when someone doesnt get a response.

Judith

 

[Bowierocks]

Follow up : I quit seeing escorts . It was my attempt to relive and control what happened to me back then . I am a bit ashamed but screw it , I am human and I didn't do anything against anyone's will ( half the time they would be way more eager for sex than me ) , so I guess it could have been worse . .. It actually did help me being more present during sex as I finally was desensitized to certain ways of being touched . . That's the truth .