Female Perp vs. Male Perp

Female Perp vs. Male Perp
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Devon2BFree

Registrant
My first experiance with SA happend when I was 14 with a male perp. This continued for four years. However, when I was 16 I found a relationship with an older woman (32-34). As far as I know, I pursued the relationship and was just thrilled that it was a WOMAN. Do the math and you see the experiences with the two different people overlap. I felt dirty with the man and "normal" with the woman. HERE'S THE QUESTION? Were they really both perps? I always felt violated and shame etc. because of what happend with the man. However, I never felt all of that with the "older woman." Now that I'm in my mid-30's, I could never imagine a "relationship" with a 16 year old. I don't know exaclty how to process my experiences with the "older woman." So was the man a perp and the woman simply emotionally immature? Have I been betrayed twice over? Perhaps I have to answer that question for myself. But has anyone had similar experiences with both and yet feel differently about each? or the same?
 
Devon,

This is a totaly unprofessional opinion so take it for what it's worth which probably isn't much... But...

In the truest sense of the word it was abuse, and there may yet be things you need to deal with because of it. I would say though that the effects were probably substantially mitigated because of your age of 16 at the time it occured is somewhere near reaching the age of majority. Your maturity level at that time while still not adult is far from that of a child. At that point in your development you are beginning to make your own choices, and develop definite opinions on your own.

Also the fact that it was a woman, in my opinion only, could not possibly have the same effect as if it had been a man. The whole gay vs. straight sexual identity thing was not a factor. I can tell you from personal experience that can be a devastating fight to face, especially for a straight boy who has run afoul of the identity confusion because of male/male sexual abuse. Bad enough that you had one male perp. Can you imagine the effect on you had there been two?

Like I said I'm no expert on the subject and there may be issues you have to face regarding the woman's abuse of you, but I can't see it being near the struggle as what happened to you beginning at age 14. I'd be interested in what Ken Singer has to say on the subject.

For what it's worth...

Courage my friend,

John
 
Devon,

I had a similar experience and feel the way you did. I was 17/18, she was 33. Maybe it wouldn't have happened without the prior abuse by a male, but it did. Intellectually, I was beyond my years, but not emotionally. We were both a bit screwed up, but we fit together at the time. She loved my mind, and I loved her zest for life and fearless attitude. She taught me to be brave and fight for things. Hope this helps.
 
Well, I'll chime in from a professional point of view. You can look at the experience from the legal and the personal perspective.

Legally, at 16, you are able to consent in a sexual relationship in many states and I believe in Canadian provinces. (There is a website that gives age of consent in US, Canada and other countries). So, from a legal perspective, you may have been able to consent to such a relationship.

The other area is personal experience. I don't tell someone that s/he has been victimized (except from the legal standpoint). Suppose a 14 year old engages in relations with a 22 year old whom s/he is madly in love with? The sex is "consentual", though legally it is not. The "victim" may feel great about the relationship years later and say s/he was not a victim. Who am I to say that the person *should* feel victimized?

On the other hand, if a person is able to legally consent but later feels taken advantaged of, s/he could feel victimized even if there is no legal issue here.

So, bottom line, if you don't feel victimized by the relationship with the woman, you were not a victim.

Just my opinion.
Ken
 
Devon,

I don't know if this is relevant, but what Ken wrote made me think (as it usually does!). My abuse ended when I was 14, and two years later I dated a girl (my age) who really liked me and wanted to have sex with me. I was very messed up about it, and I remember recalling that my grandmother had warned me that "fornicators go to hell" - I had told her okay Nana, and then ran to my dictionary to look up "fornicate".

I didn't go through with it with the girl, though I was sexually aroused, and back home that night I thought over the episode and was really confused. Part of me thought "Shit, I had my chance and I blew it", and raged mentally at my grandmother for messing with my head. But another part of me thought, Wow, if I had done that I would have been like "him".

Larry
 
What you say about answering the question for yourself seems right on and as Ken says if you feel that you were victimised by the woman then those are the feelings to deal with. I expect that having a relationship with the woman while the male perp was abusing you would have felt reassuring if you were worried about your sexual orientation. In terms of you choosing the relationship that fear and the ongoing abuse may have limited your ability to choose. The other thing is that abuse by a woman at your age would not have the same taboo and is generally seen as getting lucky, so there wouldnt be the social shame, even though such a relationship can be the very opposite of lucky. If the woman was in any position of authority like a teacher or a friend of your parents that would make the power difference greater and the relationship more exploitative.

I was abused by a man and a woman when I was a small kid, both were revolting, abusive and damaging though in different ways.

It really depends on how it feels to you and that can change as you work on it/think about it.

Peter
 
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