Female abuse

Solace2k

Registrant
Hi,

First thing i'd like to mention, is that in my lifetime, other than myself, i don't recall every meeting a suvivor, male or female who was abused by a woman. This is the first opportunity i've had to explore how being sexually assaulted by a female felt.

This is more about me feeling like she was my "girlfriend", after the assault. I was only 4, and yet it felt like a relationship...she was 17....this is and has casused massive confusion on my part.... The only memory i'm going to attach here, because it's relevant, is myself , at 4 years old, walking in on her and her boyfriend having sex. Is it possible that i really did have feelings of betrayal, like one might have with a cheating girlfriend in adult life?

I'm hoping someone can "shed some light" on this.... somehow, this perception of her assaulting me, as sick as it makes me feel, has always in my mind and heart granted her protection from of rage, betrayal and other feelings , that i might feel (or do feel?) if i actually perceived it as a violation of my body, heart, mind and soul

Thanks
Tony
 

dark empathy

Registrant
Hi Tony and welcome.
Yes, women and girls can be abusers, for all that unfortunately most of mainstream society (especially now), disagrees with the fact.

My own story is different since my abuse was violent public humiliation. However, a good strategy in many situation is to reverse the genders.

What would you say if a four year old girl talked about a seventeen year old boy as "her boyfriend", I think it would be pretty clear that such a situation is abusive.

A four year old has no concept of sex or consent, or a real idea of what a boyfriend/girlfriend is, and what physical boundaries are, , indeed the fact that you were so young is something I find just plane sick.

Just looking at the ages involved and considering the gender dispassionately should pretty much show you just how twisted this is.

Really sorry to hear about what happened to you, and I hope being on this site you can start to recover.

Luke.
 

Trapped765

Registrant
Hi,

First thing i'd like to mention, is that in my lifetime, other than myself, i don't recall every meeting a suvivor, male or female who was abused by a woman. This is the first opportunity i've had to explore how being sexually assaulted by a female felt.

This is more about me feeling like she was my "girlfriend", after the assault. I was only 4, and yet it felt like a relationship...she was 17....this is and has casused massive confusion on my part.... The only memory i'm going to attach here, because it's relevant, is myself , at 4 years old, walking in on her and her boyfriend having sex. Is it possible that i really did have feelings of betrayal, like one might have with a cheating girlfriend in adult life?

I'm hoping someone can "shed some light" on this.... somehow, this perception of her assaulting me, as sick as it makes me feel, has always in my mind and heart granted her protection from of rage, betrayal and other feelings , that i might feel (or do feel?) if i actually perceived it as a violation of my body, heart, mind and soul

Thanks
Tony
I am sorry you need to be here but glad you found it. I think it was likely you did feel betrayed at finding them together. You say you loved her. The love of a small child is intense and often overwhelming to the child if not balanced with other emotions or emotional attachments. That intensity is one of the things adult pedophiles look for as it makes the child easier to manipulate. She was the center of your world and you assumed you were of hers. But you weren't and that is a devastating blow. Anger is the first reaction usually. But then you start asking yourself, what did i do that i wasn't good enough to be her world? What is wrong with me? Why is my love not good enough for her? These thoughts shift everything onto you! And she remains the loved one. The good one. The angel on the pedestal high above your unworthy self.
These thoughts are not true! They do not represent what happened. While the thoughts are real, they are not reality. It is often very hard to separate the two, especially after a life time of mixing them up. A child can feel all the emotions an adult can and often they seem stronger because they are newer. Like how much beer did it take to get you drunk the first time as to the hundred and first time.
When i was 5 she was mid 20s. She saved my life literally several times at a high cost to herself. No one else has ever done that for me. I loved her enough to die for her or do anything else she wanted. She wanted! 55 years later i still love her and have trouble seeing her as an abuser. But she was.
Peace unto you and good ripples brother.
 
I was abused by a woman, my ex-wife, as an adult - ending almost 17 years ago now. I didn't think of her as an abuser until less than three years ago. So it's very true that a combination of our own feelings, plus the way that society tells us that women cannot be sex abusers, keep us stuck in feeling that we weren't victims.

Thank you for being brave enough to reach out here. I wish you peace and healing.
 

JDylah_da_Kylah

Registrant
Hello there, friend. I'm sorry indeed for what happened to you, but glad that you're here and talking about it. That's a huge step.

I started a reply to this last night and in the interim everyone said pretty much exactly what I was going to say, so I'll just defer to them--

But I also want to add (just as another voice to the chorus) that female-perpetrated abuse isn't uncommon, it's not just not talked about often. I personally think there are many more survivors (male and female both) who don't feel like they can speak, for a great many reasons. So to that end--you are most certainly not alone.

My situation isn't the same as yours, in that one of my abusers was my mother and therefore there was no romantic component--but the difficulty in trying to wrap one's head around the trauma and the feelings of love is definitely there. And it can take a long time to untangle. I suspect as you move along your healing journey you'll feel like you go through periods where you have everything figured out, and then you'll feel like you don't, and you'll oscillate between the two . . . I've personally found that my feelings around these things are never concrete.

Sending you good thoughts, friend.
Dyl.
 

Solace2k

Registrant
Thank you all. :) I've felt very alone with the stuff surrounding women abusers, and how they seem to get away with everything, even more so today then when i was sexually assaulted...

Tony
 
Tony, I hear you. But I can tell you there are far, far, far more female abusers out there than anyone knows (or wants to know) about. Our society makes sure they stay hidden.

You aren't alone.
 

uvbnwrnd

Registrant
Hi tony- I can really relate to the whole "loving your abuser" thing. I was the same age as you, my abuser was the same age- teens. The fact was I had been molested before she got to me, so I was acting out the same stuff on her. That she allowed it to happen is wrong. A child cannot give consent, even if they are asking for it. I still think about her, but less in the romantic sense. I know it was wrong. There's always that social stigma of being a guy, and the abuser being a woman. That "lucky" kid, sometimes grows up with a host of problems, running into the same situations and people that are no good for him. Belief in a god, maybe even karma, that someone-something saw what happened, saw how people reacted,(or didn't) and even if he/she/it can't fix what happened- at least give me a way to go on living, at least not in pain has given me some peace at least. I hope you get some too.
 
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