Fellings of being WORTHLESS

[James_dup1]

Lately I have been feeling worthless. He I am a 35 year old "man", has a farly strong back and are half way intelagent. And here I am living off the taxes of hard working people. I know my doctor told me not to work right now. My nightmares are so bad that I dont sleep most nights. And I've gotten to were I freak out in public if Im around people I dont know. I have to shop at 3am so that there isnt to many people there. I so scared that they will see right through me and know what was done to me as a kid, and they either laugh at me or want to do the same thing to me. We live in goverment houseing, get goverment money, food stamps and medicade for all of us. I just know how to get over the feelings. I dont have a direction in my life. I sit around the house and clean (which I dont mind) or surf the net (which I love). But it's not giving me a sence of anything. Just a blob. I feel so bad for my kids, yesterday one of them wanted $9.00 a pittly $9.00 to go to the circus and I dont even have that for him. The are missing out on so much just because I have to be so fucked up in my head. Why does my kids have to do without? Why do they have to suffer because of my abuse? Well guess thats enough rambleing for now. Thanks guys for letting me.

 

[MrDon]

I remember these days although they are several years ago for me. At first, I couldn't even make it into a grocery store or walmart for the anxiety attacks that would hit me. I would wait until there was 5 minutes before they closed and would hope there wasn't many people in the store. I would race in and race out and by the time I was out of the store, I would be drenched from sweating because of the anxiety. A friend did help me a lot by buying me groceries but that was tough in itself for me at the time.

For a long time, I did make it to work but I struggled with the nightmares and trying to sleep. It made for some very interesting days because one job I had, I was driving a 1000 miles a week (and doing that half asleep up mountain highways). Don't ask me how I did it, because i have no idea!

And then for a long time, I would go to work, the store and that was it. I would not go out in public for anything and was too afraid to leave my four walls that I lived in. It was a horrible time for me and of course any excursions out to the store were done at night (to avoid all people that I could avoid). And I was also scared of the dark so the anxiety continued its assults on me.

Over the years, I have managed to recover most of this part of my life but I still struggle with the dark, with anxiety in crowded "enclosed" stores and sometimes just being in public. I hate stores that have to make isles so narrow that you can hardly get through them to shop or there are people everywhere you go. I really hate it during the holidays because this is magnified 1000 times.

Now, I take Jeff along because it helps me from getting too scared, which brings the anxiety on and actually increases anger pretty high for me. I've learned to stay out of stores the day before thanksgiving or christmas because I've almost been arrested for fights that I started.

I do live in a big city so it is hard to get away from people at times. One thing I do is head out to a park near where I live or other nature areas where there are few people. It is the only places of sanity I can find where I live that keeps me balanced. And actually I am finding since I have been working with massage a lot, that the anxiety around crowds is actually getting a little better. That is a more recent change though.

Don

 

[Wuamei]

James, I really relate & empathize with you & your
feeling worthless. Especially right now.

I'm 46, I've been barely able to work a few hours a week for the last year+, I'm on medical disability leave from my job. My chances of getting back full-time or getting other work look dim after this accident I just had which has really set me back emotionally, physically, financially & in every way.

Right now I feel like I'm failing my wife who has a very stressful job, is struggling with hormone imbalance & depression, & now has to come home & do all the housework too until my back, shoulders & neck get better. Just as I've often felt I failed her thru all the years she's put up with all my problems.

Right now I feel like I'm failing my daughters who are coming home from college only to have to help out more & run me around right after a tough
exam schedule and with summer jobs & classes to get into soon. Just as I've often felt I failed them growing up becuz of all my problems & the times I was there yet wasn't all there.

But...

My daughters grew up w/o a lot of material things & having to move around quite a bit. But they made lots of friends all over, are very well adjusted, are making good lives for themselves now
and were not abused! We have a good father-daughter relationship.

My wife loves me & I love her, even thru all the mess; we've had 23 good years together. She knows I didn't ask for any of this and loves me for me not my mess.

As to my work I know I have overall been getting better. This accident is a setback but it is not permanent, any more than the abuse. I have to believe if I keep dreaming & working at recovery I will continue to get better & be more productive

Still the bottom line is my worth, my value as a human being, is not based on my productivity level

Yours neither brother James. Hope this sharing of my experience helps some. TC & TTYL.

Victor

 

[tone]

James I know exactly what you are going through. The problem is that doctors who want you to take time off are well intentioned but it does not reflect the reality. Time off can make you feel useless and dependant on others. However this is a time to redefine yourself. Find yourself a goal, what interrests you. Take a long distance course in University , you can study from home. If you look on the web there are jobs you can do from home taking orders for products. All things that can accomodate your need to be outside of society for a while. The only people you will have to deal with is over the phone. I know it may not seem like much of an income, but forget what other people think, this is your time.
cheers ,Tone.

 

[RemittentPeace]

I know the worthless feeling also. It hits me time to time as well. I know the 3AM grocery shopping deal as well.

I remember when I felt so worthless that I thought the only thing I really excelled at was failing. I wrote a lot about it too b/c I wanted to cement it in my mind for some reason. I eventually got the courage to show it to someone else b/c I wanted them to know how worthless I was and not to waste time with me. She then got it and actually shared it with others (published it) Can you believe that? I was on display to everyone about my own failures. It was horrifying. But based on response, I realized I am not alone. It seems it's almost a universal feeling at least at one point.

I think that song Message in a Bottle by the Police gets it across well. We all think we are alone in this feeling but there are at least millions of us on our little islands sending out our messages in a bottle in hope of being rescued. And yet there is no one to help us b/c they are all on their little islands too sending out their message in a bottle as well. (I'm skipping the thousands of bottles washing up on the shore part)

I think tying personal value to perceived goals is a bad idea and that's what puts us all there in the first place. There is ALWAYS someone who has accomplished more than yourself. But no one needs to perceive themselves this way. What we achieve in the 'real world' is not who we are at all I think.

When you walk into a room and say to somebody "Who are you?" they always say (after they tell you their name) something like "I'm a doctor." That's not who that person is, or their value or worth. And how depressing it would be if that was the definition of worth; I mean that would mean our whole existance is to be a cog in the machine. Some of the worst dildos are those who are perceived to accomplish a lot. I personally refuse to believe the whole value of life comes from meaningless crap like that.

I think worth comes from your personal values and ideals. How many parents couldn't do the circus for their kids, and then forget the whole thing? Just the fact that you remember small things like this is a big deal IMO. My parents would have forgotten I ever wanted to go the circus in the first place (their excuse was lack of time, not lack of money).

20 years from now your kid won't even remember the circus. I'm sure he'll remember that you wanted to go b/c you love him. And that's your worst example (since that's why pointed it out I am guessing); I bet the good stuff is pretty outstanding.

my 2 cents. (sorry if this sounded preachy to anyone; thoughts came flooding back)

 

[Lloydy]

RemittentPeace

I remember when I felt so worthless that I thought the only thing I really excelled at was failing.

That's a classic line if I ever heard one !
And hell, was it true for me ? I made a career out of failing, although I seem to remember this little grain of doubt that told me "I can do that" but then the 'truth' would come along and say "No, you're f*****g useless you are."

They told us lies, we CAN do it.

Dave