Fell Apart in School

Fell Apart in School
B

Bill_h_pike

Registrant
I returned to school today after two week Easter break (spent mostly trying to memorise a 1000 page history textbook for the AP exam). My parents had social services contact the vice principal responsible for my grade and explain my situation. He said that he would send all my teachers and my counselor an ambiguous memo to the effect that my absences due to "mandated legal appearances" were not because I was a juvenile delinquent (as is almost always the case at my high school).

My bio teacher is young enough that she still actually cares about her students (a rarity). She obviously hadn't read the memo before my first period class. At the end of the class she called me aside and said she was concerned that my grades had plummeted last quarter. She asked what the problem was. Her question brought out a lot of emotions I had hidden behind my "school mask." I managed to say "personal reasons" before I left the room in tears.

I didn't feel like going to my next class in tears so I skipped it. I spent about 10 minutes crying in a bathroom stall. I decided to go to the counseling center for the rest of the period. My bio teacher must have got around to reading the memo and called the counseling center to explain what had happened. My counselor was really cool fudged a forms to get me an excuse for my class cut.

My counselor just talked to me for the rest of the period. I then went off to my next class. I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day but my other teachers had read the memo and cut me some slack. The problem is that with AP exams (a chance for real cheap college credit) coming up in a week I can't afford to sit back in school.

Why can't I just be normal?
 
Bill,

I think you are normal. If you want a good read, there is a thread about "Normal" somewhere on one of the forums. You may already be familiar with it, I don't know. At least one of the conclusions arrived at by your friends and brothers here on MS was that "Normal" people are scary and we'd rather not be normal if we have to be like that!

Having said that, I understand what you mean. It's like "Why do I have to be like this? Why did this have to happen to me?" What I would say is that each of us had an opportunity, because of what happened to us, to make this world a better place than the way we found it. Does it hurt? Yes, it does. But life is still made up of what we make of it, not what some pervert did to us. It's not fair, but it is what we have to work with, and in the end, perhaps we're better people because of our path of recovery, than we would have been otherwise.

I wish you the best with your AP exams. I'm sure you'll do great. Just the fact that you are involved in AP tell me that you are a very capable guy. I'll keep you in my thoughts as you prepare.

Lots of love,

John
 
Bill,

I guess you did the normal thing when you broke down in front of that teacher.
Guess you would really want to scream it out in front of the lot of them.

I felt the same way at school, hiding behind the mask we make for life.
I hope you get through the exam, I guess you are capable of doing it.

Keep trying, you know you can get there, I hope you do because you are worth it,

ste
 
Bill,

It's entirely normal to react as you did. Look at what you have to cope with these days: the case against the abuser, your parents know, you are under pressure in school, and you may be worried that as information about all this leaves your control you will be hurt in some way. I can well imagine the huge effort it takes to keep up the "school mask".

Quite often something happens that is just the proverbial "last straw". We just can't take it anymore and we collapse. That's what happened to you.

What's good is that you can see that your bio teacher cares about you. Maybe she is someone you can talk to when you are feeling really bad. hat doesn't necessarily mean you should tell her your story, just that she might be a safe adult you can go to if things start feeling like they are getting out of control. One thing you really REALLY need are safe adults at home and in school whom you can trust and turn to when you need them.

Muich love,
Larry
 
Bill,

When I was a junior in high school I tried to kill myself a month before my AP US History exam. More accuaretly my parents found me in my latest sucide attempt and rushed me to the hospital. Needless to say my grades were awful and I was still depressed. While I did not disclosed at the time about my sexual abuse ... what I was going through stemmed from the abuse. I too was lucky to have teachers cut me slack. For the AP exam I was able to compartmentalize things and just focus all energy on the exam. I promised myself I would work through things during the summer months. It was useful at the time to get through the exam. What helped the most was some kind of mantra or saying I just kept focusing in on and repeating and writing everywhere. I remember studying in tears at time. I remember not being focused on passing the exam as much as I didn't want what I was experiencing to keep me from trying and working hard to prepare for the exam. Wow I haven't thought of this in a long time. I was getting an F and passed the AP exam with a 3. It was icing on the cake getting the 3. I say icing on the cake because putting effort and working through the pain until the exam and end of school was the real achievement for me. Along with trying to deal with my issues during that summer, although it was by myself, no therapist, no website ... I had to make up for all the F's I had earned with summer homework. I'm not sure if this helps ... but I can relate ... I'm starting to cry right now remembering what a hell hole of a place I was in at the time. Sorry if this is a bit fragmented, but its hard talking about that time in my life.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Bill, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Just wanted you to know that old guys have the same problem. I lead the singing in my church. At least twice (probably more, haven't kept count) I have just broken down and cried during the singing of a song. I don't try to explain. I think the congregation members just think I'm especially sensitive about the subject of the song we're singing. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the song at all. It's just there, usually without warning. If I can feel it coming on, I can do some stuff to make it stop, but those first few times, I just stood there and cried. It was really embarrassing, so I know somewhat how you feel, although I think people think that geezers like me just do strange things. Bobby
 
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