Feels guilty for giving in to abuser

Feels guilty for giving in to abuser
T

Timothy

Registrant
Dear friends,

There is this matter that troubles me about my sexual abuse.

I wrote in a previous thread that during my abuse, my abuser (who was my army sergeant) assaulted my genitals in order to make me ejaculate.

What I didn't say was that when it happened, I wanted to ejaculate because I was afraid that if I didn't or couldn't, my sergeant would think that I wasn't a man, or that I wasn't manly enough.

So even though I was exhausted and frightened by my what my sergeant was doing, I "tried very hard" to ejaculate for my sergeant.

I feel very guilty and stupid when I think about it now. I didn't have to prove anything to my sergeant but I guess I wanted to because I treated him like a father-figure and prior to the abuse, he gave me the affection that I didn't get from my dad.
 
Hi Timothy

Exactly the same thing happned to me, but I now realise that it was a perfectly normal reaction to outside stimulation. I found this out by reading Mic Hunters excellent book "Abused Boys - The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse" once I believed that and accepted it, my guilt eventually, started to fade.

Take it easy

Kirk
 
Hi Timothy, I hope this web page will help you understand more about what you went through.
https://www.rapecrisiscenter.com/Male%20Rape%20Info%20Sheet.html

Also the first and only book I have read on male rape was, Recovery by Helen Benedict.
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0231096755/qid=1101848369/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-3037664-2744057?v=glance&s=books This books talks about both female and male rape survivors and what they go through after the rape. I think the book is very good. You should be able to get a copy to read through your public library. Most library's are now able to borrow a book from another library if they don't have a copy on hand.
 
Timothy, Don't try to apply reason to any of it. You were vulnerable and not in control, and he knew that. Those of us who never got the affection we needed from our fathers have such a need that we would do almost anything to fill it. That's all you were trying to do. He saw that in you and took advantage of your need. He could have helped you so much and instead violated you so horribly. What terrible mixed emotions you must have about the whole ordeal. Give yourself a break, Timothy. Be kind to yourself. When I was your age, I was dying for fatherly love which no one ever offered to give me. Now I think maybe I was lucky. No guilt, Timothy. None. I know it hurts, but none of it was your fault. You just needed, that's all. Bobby
 
I remember the fear and the terrible, terrible loneliness when trapped inside what everybody else seems to want to play with. One of the gang of three appox. 12 y.o. boys (other perps. at this time & later were grown men, in body anyway) would come separately. When the 3 were togather they tortured me and had oral & anal sex with me. He wanted more, he wanted foreplay & I let him do whatever he wanted & and did what ever he asked. Why?

1)
He took part in the torture as little as possible.

2)
He always had oral rather than anal sex with me because the anal would cause me pain.

3)
He talked to me when no one else would waste the time of day on me. He acknowledged that I existed,
that I was realy here.

Childhood can be a terrible place in the best of times, with a disfuctional family going back in both lines, communication is virtually unknown although this may be completely unknown to the adults and who's going to take a chance with their life to tell them. It's better to take your chances in the old refridgerator or hanging upsidedown with your hands tied behind your back with the gang of 3.

I should mention that I did tell the 1 member of the family that I thought would believe me, my mat. grandmother, my mistake. I did not feel I could tell anyone else as they either beat, cussed, ignored or sexually abused me also. So my grandma handed me back over to this 12 y.o. boy, you see, he was my babysitter because I was 2 years old. He told me 3 things,1)I told you no one would believe you, 2)Your grandmother is stupid just like all grownups are stupid, 3)I can kill you anytime I want to and get away with it. I felt very alone and very abandoned. I had no one. I could die tomorrow and I knew it and I would die alone. I just didn't know how. There were several choices.

I felt terrible guilt at first when I told my counselor about this, but then remembering that great fear and even worse, loneliness, that great abyss of darkness that has no end, The human soul will do anything not to go there.
 
I think that we have to keep reminding ourselves that we are not to be blamed for what others did to us. Ya, we were there, some of it may have felt good, but it was not our doing, our choice, our fault. Ya, we may have wanted some attention and caring but not like that.

Take heart, my fellow travelers, there is courage beyond the fear, happiness beyond the tears, peace beyond our turmoil.

David
 
Timothy,

So many guys have the same feeling of guilt, but we forget that abuse is about someone misusing their power over a vulnerable person. Okay, I was 11 when I was first hurt while you were a young soldier in the army. But that doesn't mean that you were any less violated and abused than I was. You were vulnerable and your abuser exploited that. It was not your fault.

David, I cried when I saw your last sentence and I thought it is worth repeating to Timothy:

Take heart, my fellow travelers, there is courage beyond the fear, happiness beyond the tears, peace beyond our turmoil.
Click to expand...
Hang in there,
Larry
 
Timothy,

Because of the abuse I went through as a kid, I acted out as an adult. As a result, I got raped once. The childhood stuff, I can understand and forgive myself for, although there are days I REALLY have to work at it. The adult rape - that I have to work a little bit harder for. Despite the fact that it was at gunpoint. Here's why:

1. I was looking for meaningless sex with a stranger.

2. I made the mistake of telling him I had violent fantasies and this seems to have given him all the go-ahead he needed.

3. Because I had violent fantasies, I obviously wanted to be raped.

I responded physically. Primarily because I was afraid he would kill me. I had no control except to give him what he wanted.

In your case, the force was implied, or the control was coercive. You didn't "give in." You did what you felt you had to do to get through the attack. There was NO "giving in." The bastard used what he could and made you do it. He's to blame, not you.

Never you.

Listen to the guys. They're right. I wish I felt so comfortable to talk about everything when it happened. I'd rather that than suffer in silence.

You don't have to anymore.

Peace and love, my friend.

Scot
 
Timothy
the minds and bodies of young men play tricks on us, it's not unnatural for us to have 'enjoyed' the sex in some way, but it was nothing more than the natural reactions of a young body and mind.

It wasn't your fault.

Dave
 
Timothy,

I don't think at all you gave in to your abuser. You did what you needed to do at the time, or felt you needed to do. You did the best you could in the situation and under the circumstances. Please try to not judge yourself wrongly by what you did under duress. To look back now, you are looking at your actions with different eyes. Please be careful with yourself, and judge yourself gently, or not at all.

Leosha
 
Hey Bros,

Thank you so much for writing all your advice and words to me. I didn't check for some days and was just wondering if the thread had disappeared due to the other new threads coming in.

But, wow!!! I am very touched and moved by all that you wrote to me. Thank you and may God bless you all!

After I left the army, I severed all ties with that sergeant, because we did maintain contact for a short while. I guess the reason why I got so close to the sergeant in the first place was that he actually "took notice" of me, in an army camp that had so many people, he made me feel special.

So when he molested me a few times, once in the barracks, and once in my bedroom when he came over, I didn't resist. I think at that time, it felt good to have an older man touching your body, including all the forbidden areas. Amazingly, the sergeant initially felt embarassed and "bad" about molesting me, even saying that I would hate him for it when I am older and when I think back to it. Foolishly, I told him that it was "okay" and that I wasn't angry at all. That was pretty dumb of me, huh?
 
Timothy,

looking back we often beat ourselves up for the things we did when we are younger - I'm gonna include a quote from Leosha below cause I think it's something we don't often think about...

To look back now, you are looking at your actions with different eyes.
Click to expand...
I know that I am guilty of looking back at the things of the past through the eyes of an adult and sometimes forgetting that the child that I was at the time that the things happened had no other choices availiable to him at that time - the child that we were had no other way of dealing with it - we let what happened happen cause we knew of no other way of dealing with it at that time - it is much easier now that we are older and wiser to look back and think to ourselves that we should of done so many things diffrently - but that knowledge was not availiable to that childs mind at the time that the abuse happened... - there was no other choice availiable... - don't beat yourself up over things that you could not control at the age that you were at when it happened...

Be Gentle on Yourself,

TJ jeff
 
Dear TJ Jeff,

I really love what you & Leosha wrote! Thank you both!!!

It suddenly dawned upon me that I am looking back at a situation through different eyes. As someone once said, we always have perfect eyesight on hindsight.

The year when the abuses started, my dad became very violent and bad-tempered at home, so there were times when I wanted to stay at camp even when I could go home. And when my dad became abusive at home, I would go back to camp and tell my sergeant about it. And my sergeant would always have the time to listen to me, no matter how busy he was with his work. He even once came over to my house to fix a stereo that I had bought, which I thought was very cool. Also, when I was prevented from leaving the camp due to some troubles with my department, he was the only person who stayed behind with me when he could have gone home.

I don't know how or when the abuses started but I guess it started when I told him some personal and private feelings that I had. I thought it would be safe since he was married with kids (although he admits that his relationship with his wife and children was almost non-existent at that time.)

When he started touching me one day in my room, I was thrilled, perhaps because my dad never touched me, except to hit me when he got mad at something, or when I was ill.

Things went downhill from there. The surprising thing was that my mum actually didn't trust him and did tell me to be careful of that sergeant, although until today she has no idea what happened. I always think that mums have this instinct, especially with their children's friends. We sometimes resent it but I think God put it there for the protection and safety of us.

The other bad habit I have is that I tend to look for my "father" in older men, which I still do sometimes. Usually this would be an older church pal, a teacher, a colleague, etc.

More than once, an older man would chat me up at the public pool and I would find it very hard to resist the "attention". Usually, they would flatter me for something and then molest me when my guard is down. I think most guys would not bother to talk with older male strangers that they meet in the pool but not me, which is something that I hate. And I read in another website that many molesters can actually sense if a boy/young man is "starved for affection", to use their phrase.

All the best to you, TJ Jeff, and thank you again!!

Timothy
 
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