Feelings from a survivor's ally
This week has been an emotional roller-coaster.
HE
My boyf has broken down 3 days and yet all of them have brought some insight, hope and strength to keep fighting. There have been many realization and discoveries:
- Feeling guilty and ashamed of being happy and having a good time (thinking he does not deserving it, he is not good enough). Self-esteem issues, not accepting compliments, avoiding certain situations, admitting this is as a BIG issue. And yet having this other side telling him that he deserves everything cause he got himself this far.
- Feeling vulnerable. For the first time phoning his family to explain them what he is going through and that he loves them (!!) This is really a big step for him. His family validated his feelings and celebrated this step.
-Feeling confused and lost as all known defences have been broken. Personality issues, not knowing who he really is. And yet he is discovering himself, breaking walls and feeling his true self... very scary experience.
-Feeling overwhelmed with memories. At times really fighting not to use old learnt strategies, such as putting masks, being self-destructive or escaping. And yet he is there, talking about it, reading Mike Lew's book, ...
-Feeling sad for being aware of losses never identified before. Things that he never noticed before now seem so heavy. And yet he acknowledges those feelings as being happy and rewarding as well.
-Feeling tired of fighting, confronting and living with it every second/minute/hour. Just wanting PEACE. And yet fighting, changing behaviours, not giving up ...feeling the need of finding beauty. Going back to old music or poetry that brings positiveness and hope.
- Being kind to himself brings guiltiness and worthlessness. I guess this is his main battle at the moment.
Too much pain and sadness for such a pure heart. It breaks my soul seeing him so devastated, hopeless and sad. And yet I can feel his energy and willingness to keep going, to never give up, to look forward...
ME
Today I am feeling strong. I don't know why and where it comes from but I am taking care of myself, had a very bad time last week after the first crisis. And although this weekened he had another 2 crisis, I do feel that some changes are happening and they can only be for the better. Another step forward in the path of self-discovery and self-survival. Tough but somehow alleviating...
It is very difficult to explain but he has such a surviving attitude that he is even giving me the hope and the strength to be there... I am also discovering things about myself...
US
This is for you Martin and for all survivors in the world:
It is not what happens in life but the attitude we have to confront it That is self-growth. As we self-grow we say goodbye to parts of ourselves and we also say hello to other parts.
You are in the right path, though rocky, offers you the possibility of entering a new world called -Self Knowledge-, which is in the end the essence of why we all are here".
H
HE
My boyf has broken down 3 days and yet all of them have brought some insight, hope and strength to keep fighting. There have been many realization and discoveries:
- Feeling guilty and ashamed of being happy and having a good time (thinking he does not deserving it, he is not good enough). Self-esteem issues, not accepting compliments, avoiding certain situations, admitting this is as a BIG issue. And yet having this other side telling him that he deserves everything cause he got himself this far.
- Feeling vulnerable. For the first time phoning his family to explain them what he is going through and that he loves them (!!) This is really a big step for him. His family validated his feelings and celebrated this step.
-Feeling confused and lost as all known defences have been broken. Personality issues, not knowing who he really is. And yet he is discovering himself, breaking walls and feeling his true self... very scary experience.
-Feeling overwhelmed with memories. At times really fighting not to use old learnt strategies, such as putting masks, being self-destructive or escaping. And yet he is there, talking about it, reading Mike Lew's book, ...
-Feeling sad for being aware of losses never identified before. Things that he never noticed before now seem so heavy. And yet he acknowledges those feelings as being happy and rewarding as well.
-Feeling tired of fighting, confronting and living with it every second/minute/hour. Just wanting PEACE. And yet fighting, changing behaviours, not giving up ...feeling the need of finding beauty. Going back to old music or poetry that brings positiveness and hope.
- Being kind to himself brings guiltiness and worthlessness. I guess this is his main battle at the moment.
Too much pain and sadness for such a pure heart. It breaks my soul seeing him so devastated, hopeless and sad. And yet I can feel his energy and willingness to keep going, to never give up, to look forward...
ME
Today I am feeling strong. I don't know why and where it comes from but I am taking care of myself, had a very bad time last week after the first crisis. And although this weekened he had another 2 crisis, I do feel that some changes are happening and they can only be for the better. Another step forward in the path of self-discovery and self-survival. Tough but somehow alleviating...
It is very difficult to explain but he has such a surviving attitude that he is even giving me the hope and the strength to be there... I am also discovering things about myself...
US
This is for you Martin and for all survivors in the world:
It is not what happens in life but the attitude we have to confront it That is self-growth. As we self-grow we say goodbye to parts of ourselves and we also say hello to other parts.
You are in the right path, though rocky, offers you the possibility of entering a new world called -Self Knowledge-, which is in the end the essence of why we all are here".
H