feeling worthless

feeling worthless
B

beccy

Registrant
I seem to have reached a point in my own therapy where I can now see everything that's happened/happening between me and my bf. I can't say how hurt and destroyed I actually feel. I think I am in some kind of despair.

I feel that in some way I must be too similar to his abuser/s? Or would he be this way with anyone? What I realise is that all these years I have changed myself in order to still be loved/not be constantly rejected. It's so clear to me now and I just can't believe myself.

So, what I've noticed now is that if I try to live in my own space in a healthy way, the payoff is rejection/coldness from bf. He gives me reasons for this, and they're always based on things that may have occured between us in the past. He admitted he realises that this is actually something in him and always has been. After being totally off/cold with me for no real reason (other than I was actually feeling independant for once and I am sure that showed in my mood), he seemed to think it should be enough to explain that to me. But I don't feel that is enough. I do understand to a degree the way these things happen for him, as I have also had a number of things like that. But, if you hurt someone, you have hurt them and I believe you still should take responsibilty for that. Then find a way to express that you feel genuinly sorry and how much you still love them, in a way which might make them feel worth something. But, I now realise he either isn't in a place where he can 'give' anything like this. Or, he is very used to being with someone who's not stood her ground enough and so he doesn't take me seriously.

I just feels like, if I am myself I will have to learn to live with constant rejection and coldness. If i don't pander to him constantly, what I recieve in return is nothing. I am not feeling strong enough. I don't feel like I am tough enough to stand my ground about things. I have no idea how to live in that space. I feel like the fact I am a nice, sensitive person means I've been taken advantage of all these years. And the fact i am a nice sensitive person isn't enough to allow him to feel safe with me. We've been together 12 years, he knows me, but still it counts for nothing.

He said that the other night when he was cold with me, he didn't feel safe, so he retreated into himself. HE wanted closeness, but felt I was angry about something or other and that meant I would take my love away, so he was off/cold with me. I have tried to explain to him that at the moment, I have so many emotions going on inside myself of feeling hurt, that sometimes I might seem a bit distant, but that's because I am trying to take care of myself. Also, it is hard to feel close to someone when they seem to constantly dislike you. When they recoil from any passionate expression. When there is no playfullness or fun. With all these things missing, how am I supposed to feel close? So, I keep reaching a space which feels kind of healthy for me, where I can maybe get on with my own life a bit. Concentrate on me. I was in this space the other night. I was really quite friendly and sweet with him. At the moment I'm not feeling strong/confident enough to offer much more than that, as I don't feel safe enough to brave the rejection which might follow. We could have probably enjoyed talking if that was what he wanted. I just feel he wants me to give and give and give like i did for years. At the moment I feel I have nothing left to give. If he wants me, then there are things I need too.

Today I feel a mess again. I feel depleated in energy. I feel like the small, pathetic, weak person I have been for so long. He only seems to really love me when I'm like that, but I don't even want that anymore. I don't want his pity. I want him to love me when I'm my true exciting, expressive, strong self. But he doesn't. He seems to hate me. Do you think this means I am the wrong person for him? I'm not sure he's the right person for me anymore. I really feel like I need somone who can be kind to me and appreciate me for who I am. This week I've come so close to just deciding I can't live like this anymore.

I'm sorry to go on like this. I tried to phone my homeopath/therapist, but she's away. I don't know what to do.

Then when I run over some of the positive changes which have happened from bf, I feel guilty about feeling like this. But then again, a lot of that stuff just feels like it's been for his own benefit. Like he's enjoying some of the new feelings he's experiencing(which I'm happy for him about), but none of that's really got anything to do with me. I don't know, maybe I really am crazy like i always thought I was.......


peace
Beccy
 
its not crazy to want to be happy,it shouldnt be all about what he wants or needs,its real easy i think for some survivors to use their past as an excuse for acting like a spoiled brat sometimes. everybody has the right to be happy . i've said it before that as somebody who has never had anyone to support me that i cant understand how someone could be cold or mean to somebody that has the guts to try to understand all the baggage we as survivors carry. maybe the old saying applies here ,you dont know what you got till its gone!being a survivor is hard ,but it dont give us the right to use that as an excuse to make someone else feel the things we feel,like not being good enough ,survivors are not the only ones with feelings ,they are not the only ones that can be hurt ,when somebody reaches out we shouldnt bite off their hand we should be glad that anybody is willing to travel this road with us . please dont lose who you trying to help him find out who he is ,you are important too adam
 
Thankyou Adam for your kindness and compassion.

I fear though that the truth of the matter is that I am no longer reaching out. I did try to do that for years and after finding out about the csa and all the reading I did, but now I am just trying to be myself in my own space. I feel that if he wants us to be close, it is him who will have to reach out. I don't know where that leaves us. I don't know if I have maybe even become too hurt by him to be able to even accept that if he tries. It all feels very sad to me at the moment. And at the same time, I dont' know if I'm just creating drama due to a load of my own problems :rolleyes:

I am just fed up of feeling like I'm 'on test' all the time. It's funny, cause a while back, he said to me that's how he feels if I am flirtatous with him. On test. But, I think the truth of the matter is that it is he who puts me constantly on test. Like I'm being observed closely to check what my behaviour means. If I am anything other than attentive, sweet and perfect, I am someone to be pushed away. But life's not like that, especially under the circumstances and after everything I've had to go through in a family situation. And having a partner who can't/won't love me in a whole way. How on earth am I supposed to be continually this perfect, warm, pandering female?

I feel that when he says he's sorry for things, what he means is he's sorry for himself. He's sorry it hurts him so much that he's hurt me. He's inside his own sorrow. That is not really saying sorry to someone. I refuse to pity him. I want to admire him. I want to feel I'm worth more than that to him.

peace
Beccy
 
B, I have to leave for my counselor in a min so I will write more later, but it seems to me that it isn't you he dislikes when you are strong, it is just that maybe he wishes he could be strong like you, he resents it because HE can't be strong and independent and so he resents you for it.

Also it is interesting that when they push us away sometimes what they really want is to be close to us.......I remember a long time ago once when my husband was yelling and not being very nice and I said he was making me so mad and making me not want to be around him and WHAT am I supposed to do when he does that? You know what he said? He said, "Hug me!"

Maybe you just need a little break for yourself is all. I think we need breaks from this stuff now and then. And try to be positive about the progression of it all, it's going and getting better, slowly but surely, but it IS progressing...and we just need some breaks along the way to refresh ourselves.

But by all means if we feel we're losing ourselves in all the crud, we NEED to take a break and nurture ourselves. It's kind of like needing a break from my 3 yr old once in a while = I love her to death but need breaks sometimes = and then I'm ready to be there for her again after that - it takes energy - it is like you are almost parenting someone else all the time, trying to help them.

My counselor asked me to not worry so much about what is to happen to "US" (my marriage) right now, but rather to be his FRIEND and that we can decide, after all the therapy is over with, long time from now, what is to happen to US. Until then it is almost futile to worry about it. It makes sense if you think about it, and takes the burden off of wondering about "US." There will be time for that later. At least that is what she said and I feel good about that advice today....but I know I myself will have some more down days about that very issue. But I try to keep her advice in the front of my mind.

I will write later - I also was reading last night about being an enabler by pandering to their needs, which actually does more damage to them than good, because they need to learn the skills necessary to socialize properly and all that....so it is a delicate balance, but I read that we need to let them know we expect a little more of them in order to help them - it is interesting reading anyway!
 
Thanks BH,

I am trying really hard not to feel guilty all the time. Me and bf more or less made up earlier on.

I really have to build my self esteme more. I just get such long periods of time where I feel so depressed and like there's no point in doing anything/I can't do anything well. Then I remind myself I am a good mother, so I will keep repeating that to myself. I think I must have so many of my own problems, I walked into this relationship thinking bf would be kind to me/treat me right and I trusted him too much. I didn't trust myself enough and was constantly confused about why i was so unhappy.

I told my mum about what happened with my uncle when I saw her a few weeks ago, and she mostly brushed it off. It took me two weeks to realise it, but that made me numb for a while. I feel really hurt that she didn't support me at all in it, but intelligently realise that perhaps she has her own personal reasons why she might not be ready to accept that as being abusive/destructive and very wrong. Perhaps something similar must have happened to her also? I don't think I'll tell my Dad at least not yet, but I am worried about my sister and if anything ever happened to her. She has always had panick attacks, which I understand can be connected to csa. I also vaguely remember now, that there may have been incidents of my uncle watching/looking at me at other times, which made me feel uncomfortable. I know I used to be an extremely confident and expressive child when I was young, but as a teenager, I became very self concious. I still feel uncomfortable dancing in front of people. I can dance great on my own, but if I'm with others, I feel too self concious. I did a load of drugs, drank, had difficulties in my relationship with my mother. Was promiscuous. But then again, I have always put a lot of those things down to my parents splitting up and various ways in which I was brought up, so I don't know. I suppose the whole thing makes up a bigger picture.

Now I'm going on again :rolleyes:

It's just that I've figured out all this stuff about myself leading right up to why I'm in this relationship, and now I just want to be treated with some respect. And I want to be able to share love and passion in a whole way and I'm really scared about how long off that actually might be. But then my hopelessness could actually be connected to a load of my own problems, and not actually properly based on what's actually going on progress wise between me and bf. God, I wish I could speak to my therapist. I wish I could properly enjoy my life. I wish everything didn't feel so comlpicated and lastly, I wish I didn't feel so alone and different.


sorry to rant on again,

peace
Beccy
 
Beccy,
I have read your posts over the last few weeks. I think you are being really hard on yourself. From what I know, you have done everything possible to make your bf feel loved....and I know that being pushed away is very hard to understand.

Could it be that now you are starting to live in 'your own space in a healthy way', he is noticing a change in you, after all these years, and getting a little nervous about it.

Speaking from my own experience, in the past I have tended to try not to rock the boat - act like everything is ok - for fear that my (previous) bf's will reject me.

Your comment ...
"If I don't pander to him constantly, what I recieve in return is nothing".

You are both making huge changes in your relationship, and the level of communication. This shift is scary for both of you. Perhaps more so for him, because you are beginning to ask for what YOU need - and deserve. I think that being very honest with each other is going to get you to whatever outcome you decide is right for you.

So many of your posts are about your bf and how he reacted to what you did/didn't say/do/act etc....not so much on how it made YOU feel. Maybe you should take a step back and take some time and focus on what is going to make YOU happy and complete. Explain this to your bf - and that it is not a negative thing for him, or the relationship. When he is being cold/rejecting you, call him on it (I am learning to do this with my bf). When I first started to do this, I panicked every time, fearing that, because I had stood up for myself/told him how I felt (and, therefore, had not behaved in a 'loving' way), he would get angry and withdraw. In fact, the opposite is starting to happen, and he is drawing closer to me!

When my bf moved out in August, we did not have regular contact for weeks. I didn't even know where he lived. I went to see a T for myself, and she helped me understand that I needed to do some things to make my life more healthy (for my own sake), before I could think about trying to include him in it. Our lives (very slowly) have rejoined in the last month or so. We are both in a much healthier place, but we are also taking our time about returning to a full time "live in" relationship. But, after a separation, we both decided that we did, indeed, want to remain together.

I wish you the best of luck. I don't have as long a history with my relationship, so I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. But, remember, you have to put yourself first in all of this. You are not 'small, pathetic and weak'. You are STRONG. You are just in a place of transition, and that's a scary place to be when you don't know where the outcome may lead you.

I think your bf shows good signs of wanting to stay in the relationship, but is just afraid. My boyfriend threw the book of 'rejection and hurt' at me for a full 2 months. I stood my ground, and he finally admitted that he was afraid, and didn't know how to let me in. Keep trying to get through to him, but remember....you need to put yourself first.

Kishka
 
Thanks Kishka,

your post has added a new perspective to this issue. I think it is very possible that bf is threatened by these advances in my independance. I think he probably has always found any sign of it threatening. I can see that now actually. Wow!
It makes me feel really cross, cause I think of how lovely I always tried to be with him, and I lost myself in the process, through not actually calling him on his cold/rejecting behaviour. I did sometimes used to tentatively ask him what was wrong, but he always said nothing was wrong. Honestly, that's been the general picture of our relationship. :( All my trust in my own perceptions/feelings lost.

I am trying to rebuild myself and put myself first. I will try calling him on cold/rejecting behaviour. Just out of interest, how do you actually do that? Do you just say, ''right, what's wrong? Why are you being cold?'', or, ''why are you being cold with me like this?'' Or something like that? I think my main problem is trusting my own feelings, cause when he did that the other night, is was a good couple of hours before I really realised how hurt I actually felt by it. If I could have realised it right there and then, that would have been much better.


peace
Beccy
 
Hi Beccy,
I am glad my post helped in some way. I have been following your situation, and I feel for you. I can see that you really love your bf, but also that you are always thinking about how he has responded to you/whatever has been going on in the relationship, and what you should be doing to make it right if it turned out 'wrong', or to keep the status quo.

Now that you are exploring your own needs, and focusing on rebuilding your own sense of self, he may resist - fearing that you are not going to need him any more.

As for calling him on his behaviour (not just cold/rejecting, but any other irrational response). I think of the situation at hand, and if I think his response was really inappropriate in relation to what was going on, then I either point it out directly "Why did you respond that way?" or "What made you so angry about what I just said?", or I ignore his attempt to start an arguement with me (something I would have indulged him in previously). The other day, I was driving, and I misunderstood his directions. He got totally bent out of shape, asking why I deliberately ignored what he said. I calmly said that I had simply misunderstood him. After a minute or two of him pointing out what I should have done (and me saying nothing except - you know, it was a misunderstanding. No harm done. We ended up going the right way eventually), he calmed down. Earlier on in our relationship, he would have totally upset me and stressed me out, and we would have gotten into a big fight, with me feeling rejected and like I had done something wrong. Now, I will simply state whatever it was that I felt - be it right or wrong in his mind, and stand by my opinion if I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. We tend to talk more calmly now, and talk things through right to the end, instead of breaking out into an arguement.

I have also started to tell him what I need from him. We are still taking baby steps, so some days, I cut him some slack (or, I ask myself if perhaps I was asking too much of him at that particular time - I have abandonment issues, and sometimes they come into play. I have to sort out what is real, and what I think is real once my fears come out).

I have rambled on a bit. I hope I answered at least part of your question. One thing I try to tell myself... He has dealt with this for a long time alone. I am not the first person he has opened up to - but the only one that has stood by him after knowing everything. I need to know when to back off, and just take whatever it is he is prepared to give me that day, and not mention anything about what we are trying to get through. Sometimes I get frustrated, because I want it all resovled NOW! I know that's not realistic.

We have moved forward in our relationship based on the fact that we have been in a position to end it, but both of us agree that that is something that is not an option, and we are going to work it out.

Find yourself again, find your strength. Along the way, he may see that this is something that he wants for himself - but only he can decide that.

I wish you all the best. Don't give up - but only you will know if and when it has reached that point.

Kishka
 
Kishka, your quote,


''Find yourself again, find your strength. Along the way, he may see that this is something that he wants for himself - but only he can decide that.''


That's VERY significant to me. I don't believe he did ever choose that who I am is really someone he wants. I think through being quite messed up myself, I dived in to this relationship too soon, based on how much I thought I wanted him. But I didn't even know him! I entered this relationship with no physical boundaries and basically put myself into abusive situations. I created that myself! From his side of things, that's not how things look at all. He always read everything to mean I was abusing him in some way. So, essentially, neither of us have really been in a relationship with the other. I believe there a load of things he's not properly figured out yet about what's actually happened between us and he's not really owning some of his own abusive behaviour. I have tried desperately to own mine and show him what a lovely person I am, but I want an adult relationship and that's not what this is at the moment. Until he starts seeing himself as an equal person in this relationship and not a victim, I can't see these things changing.


On the other hand, i feel unsure of whether or not I am just creating crisis where there is none, through my own problems. I feel like I'm sabbotaging everything, but I don't even trust that :rolleyes:

I just can't connect with him while I feel his reaction will be negative. It's a vicious circle. I am going to try and leave it alone for the moment and get on with the rest of my life,


peace
Beccy
 
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