feeling very wrong *trigger*
Those who know my story know that I have decided to get a vasectomy after much debate. I suppose I actually knew in my heart where those doubts were coming from, but even now it makes me sick to actually say the words. Somewhere along the way, my feelings and relationship have gotten all twisted up. I am unsure whether I have grown into someone new, or whether I have always deceived myself.
It began in the last months of her pregnancy. My wife was big, and very uncomfortable. Sleep didnt come easy, and she was always tired. Needless to say, sex disappeared from our lives, and I relaxed the stringent guidelines I had set for masturbation. I gave up all hope for her meeting my needs, and sought relief as I had to. We have always been opposites in general, but suddenly we seem even more so. She stays up late, and sleeps late, while I work early and sleep early. By the time she comes to bed, I am fast asleep. We never make love any more, and I have drifted deeper into taking care of my own needs, and further from her. Somewhere in there, the fire for her has gone out in my heart. It chokes me to say, but I have stopped loving her.
As we made love, it was like standing outside of myself watching. I was numb, and going through the motions. All the passion behind it was gone, and I didnt really even want to be with her. If we never made love again, it wouldnt bother me that much, and I feel awful for feeling that way.
There is a lot behind all of this. I was molested at six, and became hypersexual afterward. Then when my father began controlling and abusing me, I turned to sex to escape. I have lived my entire adult life as a sex-addict, until three years ago when I sought help and began the road to healing. Making things harder was the discovery that I was molested, and had blocked that out for all these years. I began questioning everything about my life, and suddenly realized that I was in this marriage because I needed to be. I needed validated, needed to feel loved, and needed the sex. My entire relationship was based on addiction, and not love at all, or at least I began asking my self this. I am unsure how and what I feel, and dont trust what I think any more.
This is the lowest I have been since admitting that I was an addict. Our son is three months now, and sex hasnt returned to our lives. I have become resentful toward my wife, and now masturbate as much to deny her sex as anything.
I love my children more than life, and refuse to leave and become a weekend dad. I refuse to watch some other man raise my boys as his own. As a Christian, I see only two reasons for ending a marriage, adultery and being kept from serving God by a relationship. Our marriage violates neither of these. For all these reasons, I will stay, and I will keep my mouth shut. To say that I stopped loving her would destroy us, and instead I quietly endure. It isnt that I expect any magic solution to all of this, it just helps to vent in some way. Even if she had committed adultery or some such thing, I would stay for the kids. I see no way out of the trap I am in, and regret ever unearthing my past. It was better left buried.
Oh, for a long time, I told my self and the world how great our relationship was. Looking in, it would appear to be that way. I suppose many even envy us, and that strikes me as funny because I know what is in my heart. I am writing this as much to be totally honest with my self, as to share with anyone. I cannot tell you how much it hurts to finally look at my life and admit that I am living a mistake. Once more it was easier to deceive myself than to face breaking up with her before the baby. Now I can see no way possible but to endure, and to smile about the lot I have drawn.
I think she senses something is wrong, and has even asked. How do you look at the woman your married to, and share children with, and say that you dont love her any more? I will endure, and will fight and die to protect them all, and I can never admit to her how I really feel. They deserve better. I have an appointment to resume therapy again, where I hope to find relief from all that is eating at me. Pray for me if you do that, and keep me in your thoughts.
It began in the last months of her pregnancy. My wife was big, and very uncomfortable. Sleep didnt come easy, and she was always tired. Needless to say, sex disappeared from our lives, and I relaxed the stringent guidelines I had set for masturbation. I gave up all hope for her meeting my needs, and sought relief as I had to. We have always been opposites in general, but suddenly we seem even more so. She stays up late, and sleeps late, while I work early and sleep early. By the time she comes to bed, I am fast asleep. We never make love any more, and I have drifted deeper into taking care of my own needs, and further from her. Somewhere in there, the fire for her has gone out in my heart. It chokes me to say, but I have stopped loving her.
As we made love, it was like standing outside of myself watching. I was numb, and going through the motions. All the passion behind it was gone, and I didnt really even want to be with her. If we never made love again, it wouldnt bother me that much, and I feel awful for feeling that way.
There is a lot behind all of this. I was molested at six, and became hypersexual afterward. Then when my father began controlling and abusing me, I turned to sex to escape. I have lived my entire adult life as a sex-addict, until three years ago when I sought help and began the road to healing. Making things harder was the discovery that I was molested, and had blocked that out for all these years. I began questioning everything about my life, and suddenly realized that I was in this marriage because I needed to be. I needed validated, needed to feel loved, and needed the sex. My entire relationship was based on addiction, and not love at all, or at least I began asking my self this. I am unsure how and what I feel, and dont trust what I think any more.
This is the lowest I have been since admitting that I was an addict. Our son is three months now, and sex hasnt returned to our lives. I have become resentful toward my wife, and now masturbate as much to deny her sex as anything.
I love my children more than life, and refuse to leave and become a weekend dad. I refuse to watch some other man raise my boys as his own. As a Christian, I see only two reasons for ending a marriage, adultery and being kept from serving God by a relationship. Our marriage violates neither of these. For all these reasons, I will stay, and I will keep my mouth shut. To say that I stopped loving her would destroy us, and instead I quietly endure. It isnt that I expect any magic solution to all of this, it just helps to vent in some way. Even if she had committed adultery or some such thing, I would stay for the kids. I see no way out of the trap I am in, and regret ever unearthing my past. It was better left buried.
Oh, for a long time, I told my self and the world how great our relationship was. Looking in, it would appear to be that way. I suppose many even envy us, and that strikes me as funny because I know what is in my heart. I am writing this as much to be totally honest with my self, as to share with anyone. I cannot tell you how much it hurts to finally look at my life and admit that I am living a mistake. Once more it was easier to deceive myself than to face breaking up with her before the baby. Now I can see no way possible but to endure, and to smile about the lot I have drawn.
I think she senses something is wrong, and has even asked. How do you look at the woman your married to, and share children with, and say that you dont love her any more? I will endure, and will fight and die to protect them all, and I can never admit to her how I really feel. They deserve better. I have an appointment to resume therapy again, where I hope to find relief from all that is eating at me. Pray for me if you do that, and keep me in your thoughts.
