Feeling very sad
I don't know why, and I do know why. I made decision this week, big life decision, and it is changing things for me, many things, and making me think less of myself again, and feeling like I am losing big part of my life and what I think myself am. (I am also very tired, so make less sense then normal).
I sleep only short time last night, and have bad dreams of my father. Some things of him I remember him, what he does, other things, I wonder if it is real, my mind plays such surprises on me.
I feel I must be very bad person, I must always been very bad, to make him need to punish me as he did. But at same time, I can not think what I do that is so bad. So much of my life, and of my childhood, it is so lost of me, put into different parts of my head that I don't have the key to yet. It is frustrating, that I know there are more things there, more memories, and I hold them in myself, but do not have the access to them.
Is it possible that people can be so evil? There is other thread here I read, of such things of ritual abuse, brainwash, torture. Even some things are mentioned of what was my country. I can say, brainwash and torture do still exist at home in Russia, in military and in government. People may not choose to believe that, but is true. It always has been technic of them, that they use at people, and we have not grown so much to 'civilized' state that America is. It is not the way it was when my mother was younger, or others of my family, what they say of it, but it still exists.
And so, as my father was of Russian army, I wonder. I wonder if what I think, if what my memories and what my mom tells me, if that is true, or if my mind is so much more confused and broken after all that happens in life. I wonder if I am such bad creature that he always say, or if he was crazy person, or if he was just mean or evil. I am feeling so confused of all this, and I am letting it bother and hurt me mentally.
I just hear something on television show, as I am writing this, television is also on for noise. And is son talking of his father, and the son remembers falling down playing a game. And his father picks him up, cleans him off, gives him big hug and says it will all be all right. Why am I so bad to not have that? Or am I not bad? I do not even know now. I just am confused, and it all makes me scared and upset all over. I am sorry.
leosha
I sleep only short time last night, and have bad dreams of my father. Some things of him I remember him, what he does, other things, I wonder if it is real, my mind plays such surprises on me.
I feel I must be very bad person, I must always been very bad, to make him need to punish me as he did. But at same time, I can not think what I do that is so bad. So much of my life, and of my childhood, it is so lost of me, put into different parts of my head that I don't have the key to yet. It is frustrating, that I know there are more things there, more memories, and I hold them in myself, but do not have the access to them.
Is it possible that people can be so evil? There is other thread here I read, of such things of ritual abuse, brainwash, torture. Even some things are mentioned of what was my country. I can say, brainwash and torture do still exist at home in Russia, in military and in government. People may not choose to believe that, but is true. It always has been technic of them, that they use at people, and we have not grown so much to 'civilized' state that America is. It is not the way it was when my mother was younger, or others of my family, what they say of it, but it still exists.
And so, as my father was of Russian army, I wonder. I wonder if what I think, if what my memories and what my mom tells me, if that is true, or if my mind is so much more confused and broken after all that happens in life. I wonder if I am such bad creature that he always say, or if he was crazy person, or if he was just mean or evil. I am feeling so confused of all this, and I am letting it bother and hurt me mentally.
I just hear something on television show, as I am writing this, television is also on for noise. And is son talking of his father, and the son remembers falling down playing a game. And his father picks him up, cleans him off, gives him big hug and says it will all be all right. Why am I so bad to not have that? Or am I not bad? I do not even know now. I just am confused, and it all makes me scared and upset all over. I am sorry.
leosha
)