Feeling very confused right now after abusive marraige/Triggering!!!!!

[andrew76]

Living with a woman that during our marriage has become very abusive and I have had to have several surgeries due to the abuse in the past due to my abuser and what has been done to my spine and now I live with an abusive spouse. I have had a another person walk back into my life after 16 years of no contact and it is as if we never parted even though our lives went two seperate courses and feelings have became for this person very,very, mutual and very,very strong and this other person knows almost everything that occured in my past as a child but this person does not know exactly what is going on now with this other spouse in my life and I am having a hard time walking away from this marriage as this other spouse was raped in her past not by me but by another person in this persons life in childhood and don't know maybe this is why this person is acting this way when I try to leave as I am the only husband this person has had and I can relate to sexual abuse in my past and what it can cause in another persons life afterward and the aftereffects.


I love this person however due to the abuse and certain said comments to me recently such as I will pack my bag and just leave after taking a trip almost 3,00 miles away from the homestate have left me questioning everything including if "I am actually still in love with this person" and if this other ex-significant other that has walked back into my life now really wants to be with me including 5 children with another person and where my obligations lie and really how I feel,even though I know this other ex-significant other has shown me very deep down expressed love over the last week that now has me questioning why I am with the person I am with now after several incidents where things have turned to the point where I as a man have been hit,kicked by this spouse and I have done nothing to defend myself as I have been taught not to hit or kick or hurt a woman and now I am in question as to the actual marriage and how I feel and why I should stay and allow myself to keep suffering damage at the hands of this spouse.

I feel like I still love this significant other in my life now that I am married to but on the other hand I am now questioning if I "Am still in love with this person after several times of being hit and kicked even after I have been taught not to hit a woman or hurt a woman despite how I have been treated even after several times where I have told this person I want to leave and this person won't let me leave then tries to manipulate me with telling me this person will end their life and it is not me thank god this time,I want to live however I am in an abusive situation and during my childhood I have had enough while at a hand of a family member and now I just don't know how much more I can handle especially as I am now facing another spine surgery to my neck after my neurosurgeon has found that a level below where I had fused is now shifting back towards my spinal cord and I find out later today what they want to do to fix it and I am very scared as to what will take place and whether or not I will be left while on the operating table even though it may be a good thing with the person I am with now.

On the other hand I have very,very strong feelings for this significant other thats knows me a lot better how I think, feel,act and what has happened in the past and honestly right now it seems to me I feel closer to this person that has walked back into my life after 16 years and a private investigator that has been following me around for over a year now to find me and see where my life lies now.

The other significant other knows everything that has happened to me even after writing my own autobiography and letting this person read it to know what I have had to live through even after we split and now have been reunited which for me might be a great thing as this person knows me even better then my own spouse when it comes to my past until we split but this significant other has read what I went through after we split.

I am drawing up a legal will this Monday 2005-04-11 stating if anything goes wrong I want to be let go as I feel I have had enough torcher in my life and I just want to be let go should anything go wrong should I decide to go through with the surgery.

 

[Lloydy]

Andrew
My view is that nobody should live a life where they are abused, whatever reasons 'might' lie behind the abuse.

It's her problem, she's the one that needs to recognise the problem and seek help if it's appropriate. You can't do that for her, and more than she can do your healing for you.
All another person can do is support and love the other.

Dave

 

[Bill_1965]

Andrew,

I agree with what Dave said.

My first marriage was an abusive one. I've lost hearing due to the beatings I took and had to have surgeries redone to the attacks. Nothing like having the area repeatedly kicked after the surgery even before the braces and bandages are removed. Getting out of that marriage was the best thing I ever did for myself. I would have stayed if it wasn't for something simple she said to me and how it awoken me.

Nobody should be in an abusive situation.

A living will or prime directive is something simple that everybody should have. No matter what your health or situation is.


Take care of yourself,
Bill

 

[Lloydy]

At the time I was in my early days of therapy my best friend, who I'm lucky enough to work with every day, was going through the divorce from hell. We spent many hours hiding away or riding around in our van avoiding work so we could talk. We shared ALL of our problems.

His wife of 25 years was alcoholic, and prone to violence towards him. In the end he could take no more and took his 10 yo son, a plastic bag of clothes, and walked to his mothers house. His divorce dragged on for three years and bankrupted him, drove him to serious depression and close to suicide.
But he's a different man today, he's living with a crazy woman 15 years younger than him, along with his son, and is back in the land of the living once again.

I know his ex wife's family, and I know about the incest, babies born to very young girls and adopted by grandparents and aunts. My friend knows all this as well.
I would bet big money on the fact his ex wife was also abused, especially knowing what I do now about survivors.

But this doesn't justify her behaviour one bit, not the drinking or the violence. It might well explain it, but nothing justifies it.
He did the right thing to leave her. He tried to help her more than most men would have done. But she has never sought any help, even to this day when she has no contact with any of their three kids.

If she had made that one brave step, she'd have saved her family.

Dave

 

[andrew76]

Dave,Bill,

Thanks for trying to help me to understand some things in regard to my situation.My life as it is now seems very bleak and as of yesterday my wife and I went to a reproductive specialist at her request and things have just gotten much more hairy. I finally came clean about the feelings that I have regarding having a child with this spouse and how I feel with everything else in our relationship and she and I now are no longer on speaking terms today needless to say I spent my night sleeping on the couch and I told her as well my fears that what is going to happen if my spouse losses her temper one day just like in our relationship and does something to our child I can not and will not bring a child onto this earth to have the same thing that has happened to me in my youth happen to this child.

I also told my spouse that I am afraid of passing on my medical issues and watching later on in life or even earlier the same thing happen to this child that is happening to me now I don't think i can honestly do that to my own child let alone watch it take place.The reproduc doc wants me to speak with a genetic specialist but I could not tell this doc what is actually going on in regards to the other fears since it would have caused havoc at the appt so I just like old times shut my mouth and stayed silent.

Other family members of mine put their finger on me being abused as I posted in another thread on the board and I have their support but I can't seem to tell my family everything that is going on it just hurts too much to talk about it and too personal.My feelings right now are so screwed up,confused,frustrated,depressed but not suicidal,angry,flight or fight mechinism is almost kicking in at this point and I just feel like taking off and saying the hell with everything right now I feel so alone but yet on the other hand I just want to be alone if that makes any sense to take time to think and feel and see where I want to be in my life.Man why does abuse have to be so mind screwing and altering the course of the rest of my life yet again why didn't I see this coming.Thanks gents for listening and responding and giving me insight now I need to ponder some more upon your threads as well to make another hard decision.


Andrew