Feeling Torn Apart

Feeling Torn Apart
C

Cecilia

Registrant
Last night and today have been awful. My husband was out of contact with us. I took my three year old to her first day at a new daycare. Then,I arranged for the girls to go to my mom's for two days while I finished the work week. My husband happened to drive by (he is staying at his sister's which is next door to my mom's place in the country) as the girls were unloading and so he stopped in and ended up taking them off with him. I am glad for him to spend time with them, but it just hurt me so much that he doesn't call or plan or communicate and then somehow he twists everything around so that this is all my fault, he says he doesn't trust me, that I am just like my mother (this is a weak spot for me. My mother has been so so so so kind to him, and me, but she, too has her faults that have hurt me so he knows this criticism confuses me), that he doesn't want to be with me, that the next eighteen years are going to be hell, that he'll talk to me when he has money, just on and on and on and on and it crushes me. Crushes me. I cried and cried and cried last night. I can barely hold it together at work today. I am smoking cigarettes like crazy and treating myself like shit. God, how do I do this? I am not rejecting him. I am rejecting our old relationship. But he does not see that.

Ouch.
 
Cecilia,
I'm new here and I don't know your story.
Please don't treat yourself like shit. I know it's easy to do, sometimes feeling bad feels good hey? It sounds like things are tough right now but you have to find it somewhere to be strong and ok for your kids. I know it's easy to say and hard to do and who am I to try and give you advice here. I just know that your kids need you. I'm here if you need to talk.
Dennis
 
Hi Dennis,

Thank you for your kind reply. I have read your posts and know that you are handling an incredibly painful situation yourself, so it is very, very thoughtful of you to reach out to me.
My *short* story is I am married to a survivor who I love and want to be with, but I am having to stand firm on some issues right now and, as a survivor myself, it is shaking me to the core to do so. I am full of self-hatred, anger, confusion, doubt, everything.

I don't know how to do this. I really don't. My husband is telling me he wants nothing to do with me right now. I feel like my heart is breaking up. Am i so worthless that when i actually stand up and try to make things right that he will leave? that's not a question I am expecting you to answer, Dennis.

Cecilia
 
Hi Cecilia,

I understand exactly what you mean about treating yourself like shit....I can see my own self destructive behaviours kicking in left right and centre.....

and it does sound like you're having a much harder time than I am right now, so you're bound to be feeling totally worn down be it all.

Just remind yourself that all you are doing is taking care of yourself and your children. You have done a very self-respecting and admirable thing and that's a real achievement :) It sounds like your husband is very much disliking the lack of 'control' he now has over your situation and is becoming more abusive because of that.

Is there any way you can remove yourself from these abusive conversations when they happen? Maybe to return to the conversation when your husband can talk in a more constructive way...

I am sorry I can't offer more constructive advice than this....hope things improve for you soon...

peace,
Beccy
 
Cecelia,

I'm so sorry for all of your pain. The only thing I can say is live your life for you and your kids. Leave the door open for him, but don't expect him to walk through it 'cause right now he's being a jerk. Survivor or not, he has no right to do that to you and your family.

Do what's right for yourself. If he pulls it together, even a little bit, I know you'll be there for him, but in the meanwhile, don't wait on it. You and your girls don't deserve that.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Cecilia,

you say, ''Am i so worthless that when i actually stand up and try to make things right that he will leave?''

It is my opinion that if your husband left, it would either be because he wasn't presently capable of treating you with the respect you deserve. Or if he didn't actually love you enough to change some of his abusive behaviours. I know that's not something any of us want to think about, but you really need to know that it would be nothing to do with you being 'worthless'.

peace
Beccy
 
Cecelia,

my heart goes out to you hon, you are NOT worthless - you are a mother, your children need you now, more than ever. that alone is priceless. keep your chin up, you are not in this alone, remember that.

all the best,
indy
 
cecelia u hafto be ok for ur kids
my mom wasnt . i always wishd she
was
 
Cecilia,
I agree 100% with all that was said here. You're not worthless and you deserve to be treated way better than the treatment you're receiving. Beccy is right, it sounds like maybe he's lashing out because he's lost some control, or maybe he's scared and angry because you're trying to deal with the issues of abuse and he's not ready. Either way, you can't allow him to treat you bad or abuse you in anyway. Just because someone was abused doesn't mean they have the right to abuse. It took me over a year of banging my head against the wall and on occassion putting my fist through the wall to get Brian my brother to understand that. You're a survivor yourself, like me your putting your needs aside for him. That's not the action of someone who is worthless it's someone who is special and caring and just finding her way so she can make a better life for her kids. That's worth a million bucks and so are you!
I'm here if you need to talk.
Dennis
 
Thanks, Trevor. I am glad you wrote because I have seen some of your other posts, but they were on the site for survivors only so i didn't post a response. I don't want to offend you in any way, nor do i want to encourage your anger, but, I guess I appreciate your posts because I have a hard time knowing how to express my anger vs. taking it out on myself.
I'll keep it together for my kids. And for me. And, in part, thanks to your posts. :)
 
Last night in the middle of the night when I was so upset and sad I kept thinking I should get up and write, but I was just full of grief. I'm glad I wrote today, though, as the messages help me to see things from a different perspective, i.e., not my own. I am feeling so low about myself. But, I think I purposefully do that because then I can believe I *AM* wrong to be making these steps. Thanks friends for reading my words.
 
Cecilia,

I don't know what to say. My heart goes out to yu- try and treat yourself the way you are treating your H- with love and respect- don't give away so much that you have nothing for yourself. you have to nurture a lot of people right now and one of them is you. DOn't drain yourself until you are empty hin. It will be bad for everyone.

Hold on girl. It's goimg to get better.
 
Cecilia,

Hope your little one had a great time at her new daycare. Three is such a fun age to watch them make friends.

You and your husband both have to re-learn who you are as you go through this... and that is probably threatening to him. People who want to be healthy, want to be around healthy people. You just keep doing what you know is right and when he is ready he'll come around.

SAR
 
Hi SAR,

She did have a good day! Three is an awesome age and she's a wonderful child. Thank you for your encouraging response.

Cecilia
 
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