Feeling Stupid

[Cecilia]

Hi,

My husband has been back with the family for a week or so. He is preparing to go to a sort of retreat center that is run by a Quaker minister and that focuses on building skills (boatbuilding, woodworking) while living in community with other people. He is going to try it for thirty days and may go back full time next year. It's the first time in his life he has ever participated in someting like this (never went to camp or college, really) and I am very happy for him to have this opportunity . . . I hope it will help to rebuild a little of his shattered self-esteem.

However, he's been back to his usual up and down and lashing out . . . I am up and down all night with toddlers sometimes and if his sleep gets disturbed he is particularly awful in the middle of the night . . . I understand to a point as the middle of the night in his own bed was where his abuse took place . . . but I feel no love for him at all these days. Just none. I just want him to be off to the boat shop. Is that awful?

He DID call a therapist on his own accord that was recommended by this site. The therapist we had been seeing (seperately) has sort of dropped out of the picture.

WHy do I feel stupid, though? Because I am realizing lately that he doesn't seem to feel much remorse about the hurtful things he does. It's like he's frozen inside and can't admit to anything and, then, like a child, gets frustrated when i can't just smile and respond to his change of mood.

Cecilia

 

[roadrunner]

Cecilia,

It sounds like you are in that classic and very frustrating situation of feeling that you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't". If you respond things just get worse, while if you don't respond you feel disempowered and disrespected.

I see two sides to this. On the one hand, it's absolutely unacceptable that you should take grief and disrespect from him. Okay, sometimes we just have bad days. But what you are talking about sounds like it's part of the daily routine, and there's no reason why you should accept that. He gets on your case in the middle of the night when it's YOU who is up with the kids? It's your responsibility to jump up with small children and make sure his beauty rest isn't disturbed? That's pretty bad Cecilia.

On the other hand there seem to be some good signs. He's seeing a good T and hopefully that retreat center will do him a lot of good. You might want to just hold off on things and let him get off to the center in as positive a spirit as possible.

But in the end it really is up to you, Cecilia, to stand up for yourself and demand the treatment you deserve. You need to be strong and confident and protect your boundaries for YOURSELF first. Not in a selfish sense, but just in practical terms. YOU need you to be this way, and so do your kids, and at the end of the day so does he.

When you speak of how stupid you feel, well, of course you aren't stupid at all - you are in a tough spot. But please don't allow his abuse to claim another victim - you.

Much love,
Larry

 

[beccy]

Hey cecilia,

It is good your husband has taken the initiative to see a T and go on this retreat.

That must be hard for you always being the one to deal will the children in the night. Exhausting stuff that. Our kids aren't waking up much at the moment, but our daughter always used to and it was a serious problem between us that my bf never seemed to wake up or even hear her....How unfair for you to have him be angry with you about having his sleep disturbed, on top of already bearing ALL the responsibility for two kids.

I'm not surprised you're feeling no love for him at the moment. I don't think you're awful needing space away from him. I'd say well done for 'tuning in' to that feeling and allowing yourself to have it. And why should you have to smile and pretend you're happy when that's just not the reality for you right now? How does his frustration about that make you feel?

What is it about all this that makes you feel stupid?

peace,
Beccy