feeling so frustrated

[ladyinwaiting]

Thanks to all who responded to my last post btw. Today I feel absolutely frustrated. I haven't seen my bf since friday. there has been no contact whatsoever. I left the letter I wrote in his truck but I didn't see him. I don't know what to do or how to keep my heart from breaking. I love him so much but I am so afraid now that he revealed all this and ran away from me he won't ever come back. I don't even know how to approach him or if he even wants me to for that matter. I miss him, but I can't figure out how to keep going from here. Should I try to contact him, make the attempt to see him or should I ride it out and let him come to me when he is ready?

 

[roadrunner]

Ladyinwaiting,

I feel for your pain and hurt and I wish there was a quick fix that someone could just conjure up for you two. Unfortunately, that is never the case.

I am trying to see this from my own perspective as a male survivor myself: what would I want and need? I know I would want to know you still support me and want me, but I think that at this point I would feel cornered if you just showed up to talk. Maybe the thing to do is to call him and leave messages if he doesn't pick up. If he is really hurting he may need some space.

This is very difficult, and I know that to you it must sound like damned if I do and damned if I don't. Perhaps others have more cogent views.

Take care,
Larry

 

[SAR]

lady,

He wants to know that you are there for him on HIS terms, not on yours.

Abuse is about having someone else's needs and desires pushed upon you. You have given him one great gift already by letting him know that his needs are just as important to you as your own; but if you now turn around and make it about YOUR need/desire to see him and be reassured, he's not going to feel comfortable accepting your gift.

The best thing you can do at this point is probably keep yourself busy and happy, and try not to worry about when he will respond. Seriously. Go see a movie, or go window shopping, or play tennis, or whatever you do. Remember that right now you have to take care of YOU, and trust that he will know what to do when he feels ready.

SAR

 

[TRACYUK]

LIW

I also scared my partner off by being too "helpful". One thing that helped him to move closer to me was when I showed him my pain and admitted how vulnerable, hurt and lost I was. I had concentrated so much on being strong for him but I think my vulnerability gave him a little courage.

This is only my situation and not advise (I'm very new to this) but I hope if any of it rings true you can find some use for it.

Good luck, thinking of you

Tracy

 

[Abby]

Dear Ladyinwaiting,

though I am not a partner, I am coping with a CSA male survivor friend who disclosed to me 1 year ago just when I disclosed to him myself as a female CSA survivor. As hard and painful as it can seems to you right now, I would dare to tell you that you should accept that your boyfriends recovery needs him to be in complete control of HIS time and HIS space in order to find his own way for the healing. You have already done what you could do: let him know that you support him and his disclosure has not changed in any way your feelings for him. Now I would suggest you to take care of yourself, both physically and psychologically, having fun and/or reading/informing yourself about CSA and male survivors. When he gets back to you whenever it happens you will need to be healthy and positive.

The relationship between the two of you is going to evolve as long as your bf recovers. If you can leave him space and time as he needs, and can learn to cope with the push&pull attitude that many male survivors have the tendency to apply to their relationships, you would allow him to trust you so he could open himself and reach out for help and establish new healthy boundaries with the world and consequently with you too.

I know that now this could seem to you very difficult and maybe unbearable. But if I can share my little experience (though I am not a partner - I am in love with my friend but we are not together - I hope you could accept my words anyway), I would have never supposed 1 year ago how much close me and my friend could have ever become, and how much a personal growth pattern I could have undertaken for myself. Despite all the pain, preoccupations, anger, fear, and many other negative feelings I have found also joys and wonderful surprises. In him and in me.

Good luck. And take care of yourself.
Abby

edited to add: about your struggle about if to contact him or not... it's a hard balance to be found. Survivors struggle themselves between the need to not feel controlled and the need to be reassured that they are not going to be abandoned. Every relation is different, so only you can find YOUR own balance between those opposites, with patience and tentatives (sometime even with failures...). As long as your relationship evolves through the healing process, you would BOTH find your particular balance on the matter.