Feeling really bad today

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Feeling really bad today
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Nancy

Registrant
Heartbroken is pretty close to it. I cried a bucket of tears this morning over this whole thing. So you can hate me for that, it's okay. I don't want to take anything away from anybody, I don't want to steal this site from any survivor because I know it's vital to them & to their healing. I'm not out to prove a thing. I just care, & if that's a crime, well, put me in jail. I care a lot about people & I guess my heart rules my head sometimes, which has gotten me into trouble, as it has now.
First of all, I wanted to thank MikeNY & Casey for their very kind words that I read this morning. I sobbed when I saw that I hadn't lost their trust. I know that's the most important thing for any survivor. I wanted to let you both know that your belief in me meant a lot. (It gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe all is not lost yet).
But I can feel the resentment coming through from the others who don't want me here & it's like a slap in the face. Wow, it even feels like hate. Thanks for stabbing me in the heart. (I hope it makes you feel better).
I've told some others in PM's that I never wanted to intrude--my only intention was to open my heart & that was my fault--even my husband couldn't understand why I wanted to "take on their problems". Well, dummy me, maybe I was wrong to care so much.
I'd like to do a little venting myself. Thanks, Kolisha54, for saying you want me to shut up. What bitterness you hold inside. Your letter was very hurtful. I never wanted to take any of the focus away from any survivor--you're the one that's doing it now, if you ask me. Everything was fine & I was even helping some of them, & I still hope I can. And Kolisha54, if you don't think I'm sincere--what's the use....I've said enough. You probably wouldn't believe me anyway.
Oh & Tabor---thank you too, for adding your knife as well. It felt real good.
Okay, that's all for now. I might add more later today. I'll see what happens with this post. I'll know if it's time to bow out. But it was good being here & just let me say one more time, that I never meant any harm to anyone. I know this site belongs to survivors & I understand that maybe I don't belong here. I just wanted to reach out & maybe help somebody.
And if I'm hated for that, I'm sorry.
Take care. And again, I wish you all healing in your lives.
Nancy
 
Nancy,
I know that it might be difficult to understand, so I think that you should read the posts about NAO. It might help you understand some of all of this. Your automatic reaction to the people who said things that hurt your feelings here are not helping any of this. If you truly want to help, you will read the posts that people here in the friends and family section have written to each other about what they are living with and the posts by us telling what we are living with and get a better understanding of it all. Please read about the myths and the special obstacles in society that men face when dealing with SA also. Please read the survivor stories that have been posted. Although you will never actually be able to fully understand because you have not lived it, if you try to place yourself in our shoes, you might be able to come very close. We are doing enough knee jerk reactions to each other's posts here to hurt each other during our healing processes on our own. If you truly do care, try to do everything that you can to understand things from our points of view, including the family members who are living with us every day. I will always welcome a big heart that has good intentions and means well.
Thank you.
:)
 
nancy,
i understand your confusion. scot, kolisha, and tabor make excelent points. there are innocent people who come here who have had no experience of victimization themselves (for which we survivors are greatful that many are not victims) and just want to help. it is also very unnerving for a survivor to see someone who has no experience of the day to day, moment to moment struggles of survivors hold us up as heroes. these were the points essentially raised, and they are equally relevant. unconditional support is difficult for us to accept from our dedicated partners, nancy, how much more difficult would it be for the more sensitive ones of us to accept this from one who never had to be here in the first place? we were never taught altruism, nancy...we were taught we were bought and paid for with the coin of pain and humiliation. please reread your responses to the people here who have posted their concerns about the issue of trust and compassion. please reread your responses and try to understand what it is about them that would be disturbing to survivors who are told that someone cares unconditionally, but when a question is raised about motive (which is justified from the perspective of a survivor who has been burned repeatedly). reread your responses , nancy, and try to see how this would be received by the survivors here. i trust you will be able to see that your responses would be very confusing to a survivor who hears "unconditional support", but gets a message that goes beyond confusion. there have been times that i have put my foot in it, and when i have, once i saw i made a mistake i tried to explain and gracefully withdraw. this is not an attack on you, nancy. please do not perceive the points raised as being a personal attack when they were raised with the intent of protecting the sensitivity and integrity of the survivors. this site is about survival from the heinious crime of child sexual abuse, nancy. the safety and integrity of the survivors take precedance. when their is a disagreement, or confusion, the issue needs to be discussed with courtesy. if the issue is destructive for the safety and integrity of the survivors then no matter the direction of the negativity, it has to stop. this is a safe place for male survivors, nancy. it is a place for us and our partners to come and share the journey of recovery. i hope you can understand this and accept it for what it is truly meant to be. it is not about being politically correct or accepting accolades for our survival. it is a place for us. if we feel threatened for whatever reason, we should have the right to express that and receive it with dignity and honor. please reread your responses to those who expressed a feeling of the safety and integrity of the survivors being threatened. please reread them, and consider them carefully in light of what i tried to convey. it was never an attack on you nancy, it was an expression of a perceived threat to the safety, integrity, and dignity of the survivors here who depend on this place for sharing a journey that we would wish on no one.
 
Hey, this is my reply to MikeNY,
thanks for writing. I've read the posts about Nao. They shocked me as well. I really thought he was a kid too, & even prayed on my knees for the kid, but that's beside the point.
Through the past few months, I've put together a very thick folder of articles I've printed out from different sites, (this one included, which are excellent by the way,)about male rape & abuse, P.T.S.D, flashbacks, self-harm, etc. to gain a better understanding of what men face in society when dealing with it. I've read survivor stories here & on other sites, there's an excellent one also in the UK that really got to me & made me want to reach out. I'd have to say, that's where it all began for me, wanting to help a survivor.
I've read about the hell & the pain you go through & it's very hard to comprehend that human beings can be so cruel & heartless to hurt somebody like that. But I know it happens, & it leaves a scar behind & that's really sad to me.

Right now I feel like I've run a marathon & have hit the wall. I feel really spent & am wondering if anybody wants me here anymore. I'm just about at the end of what I can take. I sure never meant to stir up anything like this in million years. I guess I better put a lid on my heart because it got me into trouble. My husband warned me that I'd probably get in over my head. I feel like I have.

But I don't regret coming here & even if I helped one single person with some kind words, I'm very glad I was able to do that.

So, it's up to you guys. If you want to stay, let me know. If you want to take a hike, I'll do that too. I only meant to be a friend.

Thanks. I still think you're all the greatest bunch of guys out there. Wishing you healing in your lives.

Nancy
 
Theo thanks for your insight.

I've looked over my responses & can see what you are talking about.

So I am writing this post to personally apologize to Kolisha & Tabor. I truly am sorry for any wrong reactions on my part. Please forgive me. I wish I could take back my hastiness.

I wish you both well. Take care.

Nancy
 
Nancy,

I do want you to stay here. Your words have meant a great deal to me, and that someone "outside" cares is important, too.

But I also want you to keep in mind some of what Kolisha and Tabor said. We ARE a community both taken advantage of and held to some higher degree of purity because we've experienced humanity at its worst. Faced the devil and have been purified by him, shall we say.

Also, as I mentioned, we've heard how wonderful we are, usually used by the morons who abused us, and we have a real hard time believing it. We can be overwhelmed by this or wonder, "what will this person ask of me?" Also, there have been, and continue to be, those who will be drawn to people like us because we can either be easily manipulated or they want some sick little thrill of being associated to the "walking wounded" by proxy.

You, Nancy, aren't any of these things, but it makes trust so difficult for us, you know? Perhaps it's something that can be eased into. There are a few folks who I know can be so open to me here. Yes, you've made it too.

Enthusiasm is a great thing, but take it from someone who knows, it can be overwhelming. :D

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Nancy - what is it about this issue that is so intriguing to you as a non-partner or survivor?

Personally I would not spend a minute plunged into the hell of dealing with SA if I wasn't marrying a survivor who happened to be my best friend for my entire childhood.

Sorry but my experience being a psychological and verbal abuse survivor myself and being engaged to a SA survivor has rendered me incredibly skeptical and VERY protective.

I really hope that you are not the reincarnation of "Heather". That might be too much for some guys here who are really "on the edge". If you really are Heather, please just go away, silently and quietly. If not, and you really do care, then I apologize, but it may take some time for me to be convinced. Please just spend some time reading and contemplating before being overly offended by fear and anxiety (being demonstrated as anger and lashing out) regarding the presence of a non-friend-and-family member on here.

Sorry, but at this time, I still wonder why someone would want to take on this magnitude of problems when you really dont have to. Its tragic, but trust is the first thing that stolen when someone is abused. And everything about this SA issue and seeing what it has done to my beloved fiance brings out ever "mama bear" instinct I've got. I tend to extrapolate that to the guys on here who have been no less than kind and accepting and brutally honest with me about their own horrific experiences.

If you truly do care, please dont blast me for this honesty. Verbal abuse is one of my big fat triggers and it will take me awhile to calm the **** down if I get a blast. I dont need that crap from this place. I get it enough from my fiance, my dad, and a few psychotic coworkers.

I've been posting on here for years and I too look to this place as a sane, safe oasis in order to help me navigate through my sometimes bizarre, drama filled, double-survivor relationship.

Please be considerate.

With respect to the venting you read from others earlier, thats a common reaction to fear and anxitey. Its not anything personal.

That's a demonstration of lesson #1 when forging any relationship - online or real life - with a survivor: expect a lot of illogical and unexpected behaviour. Lesson #2 is stay grounded in the face of said illogical and unexpected behaviour, and dont take it personally. Lesson #3 is grow a thicker skin in order to achieve success with lessons #1 and #2.

With your experience on here, can at least now see how how tragic abuse is? That it can affect someone so deeply that they lose their trust in the world and have such difficulty relating to others, such fear of others and such fear of intimacy that it manifests itself as anger, hurts others, and drives some survivors into isolation?

Can you lift yourself out of your pain due to being blasted on here and see another layer of tragedy? I hope so.

PAS
 
Nancy,
I'll be honest here...I'm one of the ones who just have no idea why anyone would want to deal with the crap of recovery. :confused: :confused: . I am a little skeptical of why you are here. It may be me..it maybe that the whole heather thing is still so freash in my mind...or it maybe you....I would have to say I think it's mostly the first two seeing as you havent really said anything in your post to make me think your anything but what you say you are.....a caring person who wants to help...so for that reason I would have to say it's mostly me. But I wanted to let you know "face to face" so to speak how I feel. Please dont take this as a personal attact on you..I'm just trying to explain how I feel. I just dont understand why your here. But.....I cant say to leave or stay thats something you and the Mod's need to work out. However, please dont expect much from me in the way of reply's to you other than this one. I just felt it was important to my recovery to tell you I dont feel safe around you.......however I see some of my brothers do.....and if you can help them then please do........I'm sorry if my words hurt you that was not the reason for posting them...I just felt for me I needed to be honest with you.

James
 
Hi Nancy,

If you've looked over the posts on this forum, you'll see that we all encourage the supportive people in a survivor's life to get some therapy or support for themselves as well--that's because, as you've seen here, surviving and overcoming SA is an emotional and overwhelming process for everyone involved. Many posts here echo your feelings of sadness and frustration--as partners and friends, we know all about it--and helping partners and friends to cope with those emotions in their daily lives is part of why we post here.

Even the wives, sisters, and friends here who have been trying to support and understand a male survivor of SA for years don't always feel comfortable or ready to jump in and do it alone. Even the survivors who have had these support people in their lives for years don't always know how to respond to their support, or ask for the support they need in healthy ways.

I understand that your feelings have been hurt, but again, that comes with the territory. What we do as friends and family is not easy on us. I would guess that just about every poster on this forum has at least once tried to support and listen to a survivor and had their support misunderstood, and met with hostility or silence. I would also say that most of the posters here have spoken about their well-meaning behavior and been called out by the community here for "trying to heal for others," "crossing the line," "pushing too hard," etc. That comes with the territory as well, it is disappointing and discouraging sometimes, and it's a lesson we all need to learn-- the survivors have to be the leaders of their own paths to wellness, and we have to be the ones who follow them and support them, when THEY need it.

I understand your shock and sadness over the issue of male abuse, and I too feel the need to reach out and help. There are many organizations in need of money and volunteers. If you've seen the articles on this site, you've probably also seen the lists of resources and organizations dedicated to stopping sexual abuse. Please take a look at them and give what you can, get involved where you can--if we all do this, maybe we can make our shared hope a reality.

Thanks,
SAR
 
Nancy,
Try not to take the replies so personal. This isn't the place to be thin-skinned and overly sensative. Kolisha54 and Tabor have provided lots of sound advice to us at this site. I've posted here a number of times, and though the positive replies have been comforting, the honest constructive criticisms have been just as important and appreciated. Though survivors are heroes, it can be exasperating for a partner, after going through a hellish day with their SA survivor, to come to this site and see someone who has no idea what we are going through start patronizing and talking like a therapist. This forum is for family and friends of SA to express their joys, frustrations, and anger and to seek advice and guidance from survivors and other partners. Trust me, if you don't know an SA survivor/partner, you have no idea what life is like both in a good and bad way. Everyone needs friends, but sometimes, friends need to read and listen in order to learn, before they can speak and be helpful to others. Trust me, keep coming back to this site and you'll learn alot:)
 
Nancy - I accept your apology. This will be my last response: I prefer to spend time with the other Partners & Survivors.

If you have access to the NY Times, please refer to a review about a play recently written by a male survivor.

Sorry - I don't know the name of the play, but I think it is in today's paper.

If you get a chance to read it, you will see an example of how easily a young man can be seduced by a perp who takes advantage of the youngster's need to feel "special." You will see yet another example of how a youngster's trust can be betrayed by someone who he thinks loves him.

This sad scenario is very very common.

My reactions to your protestations of love & support must be seen against this backdrop.

Survivors have trouble with Trust for very good reasons. You cannot simply hang a sign on yourself that says "trustworthy." Trust is something you have to earn.
 
I'm afraid I share the skepticism, although I do admire you Nancy for having a big heart and wanting to help. Being the spouse of a survivor is why I found this place, and while I do not post often, I read as much as I can in hopes of using the information and advice given here to better my ability to support my husband and my marriage. If you aren't a therapist or spouse or suvivor, or a relative or friend of someone who has suffered through this abuse, it is hard for me to get a handle on why you would want to be here. There are times I wish I didn't need to come here looking for advice. Here I learn of the heartache everyone goes through like I do while trying to survive, support, and love each other as best we can. I see you want to help and I admire that, but mistrust and skepticism can still rear it's head when motives are questioned. A pure helping heart is hard to find, even harder on the internet it seems, where trust and truthfulness can get people into much trouble and cause much hurt. But again, I admire someone who just wants to help.

Kathy
 
Nancy,

Theres no need to apologize to me...feel free to express whatever you want, however you want to me. I cant be offended or hurt by you. But if I feel that someone or something can have an adverse reaction to my friends healing I will question it. Like PAS, the devastation of SA and what it has done to my friend brings out the mama bear in me as well. He is the reason Im here and I will do what I feel is necessary to protect him and anyone else who is vulnerable. I care about the men here because I see pieces of my friend in all of them.

I do not trust your motives for being here. I dont like your overly emotional and cheerleader-type methods of being supportive. I find your references to hugs to be inappropriate considering the nature of this site. To say SA is a sensitive subject is an understatement and when you mention touching it could set off triggers in anyone reading your posts. As SoCal_Marc said in another post, you do not have the experience or knowledge to know what these triggers are.

I think you need to focus more on your husband and thank your lucky stars that you can have a healthy, normal relationship.

Tabor
 
In light of recent events at MS I have closed this topic while the Moderators discuss what actions, if any, to take.

I would appreciate it if further discussions were not continued in new topics as we fear there is the potential for further argument that would be harmfull.

Lloydy ( Forums Administrator )
 
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