Feeling Overwhelmed and Confused

[Cecilia]

Hello everyone,

I have read all the postings in response to what I have written. There seem to be so many wonderful, kind people here. More than anything, I am hearing people say that my husband is not being fair in his relationship with me and our children.

As a survivor myself, I have so many issues, particularly ones that revolve around self-esteeem and fear of abandonment.

I know I need to "put my foot down," but I am scared to do that.

There has been so much anger in our relationship, which stems mostly from my husband. He is often angry at the whole world and is very bitter. I don't feel this way about the world and I have many friends and close family members who I love. I have tried so hard to make a go of things with him.

After this past week of separation, we had an ok weekend together. Our finances are a wreck and I am trying to go to law school to provide for us. Meanwhile, he has a piece of property that he is determined to hold onto because he says he wants to prove that he hasn't "given everything away."

However, he has not been able to provide for us for three years. I am on welfare, working, going to school (I'm not trying to sound pitiful for I don't feel that way about my own life) but I feel resentful that he is holding on to a piece of land for seemingly emotional reasons, not being able to work, and wanting me to provide a home for him.

The finances and the emotions seem all mixed up and I don't know where to go from here.

I can't sleep at night and I just lie in bed worrying.

Then, he will tell me he is sorry for the things he has done, that he wants to be a part of the family, but, then he didn't call or contact me or the girls for two days, again.

I feel like a ping-pong ball.

Does anyone else have a husband who has trouble providing?

I am feeling very low with all of this. However, my days with the girls have been a little more peaceful lately.

I think I still love my husband, but for a long time now my love has been held together by my faith that someday things will get better.

Cecilia

 

[Cecilia]

One more thing . . .

After reading posts from some other partners/wives/girlfriends, I feel as if my husband is somewhat of an anamoly. Our sex life is wonderful, natural and intimate. He tells me he loves me, and expresses a sincere willingness and interest to talk about things.

As I've mentioned, I think he has a "solitary" relationship with porn, but I am coming to understand it more and I, too, have ventured into that realm so it would be hypocritical of me to judge him.

His isolation from me is in his "vanishing" and his wounding and entrapment seems to be related to his perception of "what it means to be man" in terms of supporting the family.

I have tried to let him know that I don't have any expectations in this regard. He can "be" whatever he wants to be. I guess sometimes I feel like he is much more feminine/artistic in his nature than he allows himself to be. I can understand this is HUGELY threatening to him. He continually tries to work on very macho job sites as a carpenter . . . and comes home HATING it.

I know it sounds silly, but my true longing is for him to be happy with himself however he is.

Perhaps some people will interpret what I'm saying to mean that I think he is really gay. I really don't think that. There is a difference between sexuality and masculinity/femininity.

I have read about how the "love of a woman [or man]" can be so helpful to a male survivor.

I think I am an open, accepting person but I feel like MY love for him is not helping.

Cecilia

 

[roadrunner]

Cecilia,

There are so many things that need to be said in response to your posts here, but I will only pick out one thread and see if I can follow it around in a way that might be useful for you.

As recently as a year ago I think I must have been a pretty unpleasant person to live with as a husband and partner. I was drowning in my own pain, which I didn't easily talk about or even admit to myself. On top of everything else I just didn't SEE how my problems - or rather my reaction to them - was eroding my relationship with my wife.

Yes, I still loved her intensely, and no, I was never unfaithful; but love isn't enough. What matters is what your love leads you to do to express that love and make it meaningful for both partners. I wasn't holding up my half of the responsibility for keeping things on an even keel and making both of us feel happy and fulfilled. My abuse problems were reducing me to a state of pretty absolute misery, and I just wasn't functional as a husband in any way: not as a caregiver, partner, soulmate, lover, nothing.

What pulled me out of that was primarily my wife's resolve that she wasn't doing to just "take it". She constantly let me know how she felt and what she needed, and as she wasn't getting any of that the discussions were stormy and often quite bitter. Finally, one day she broke down in tears and told me, "Whatever it is that's bothering you, I'm not the problem." That tore me apart and finally I told her the whole story.

My point is that for whatever good or bad reasons I simply did not have the resources to see what I needed to do as a partner, much less act on that. If my wife had not been willing to step up and state her view of things and her needs so vigorously, and so often, I think we would have drifted apart pretty quickly. What she was doing was basically insisting that I understand that a relationship that is ALL about one person isn't a relationship at all.

I think that somehow this is the problem you have to address. You list some pretty positive contributions your husband makes to the relationship, but the minuses are huge: unexplained absences with no contact with you or the girls, financial chaos while he holds onto a piece of land for his own purposes, anger and emotional neglect, and so on.

You say: "I feel like MY love for him is not helping". To that I would reply, as I said above, that love isn't enough. You are basically saying that you love him enough to put up with all this.

But in this way you are "enabling" him. By that I mean you are tolerating and even promoting the kind of thinking and conduct that is eating away at your relationship. By declining to respond you make it easier for everything to continue to slide into the abyss. If things continue as they are going right now, would I be wrong in saying that the prospects are rather grim? At some point you will discover that your love for him doesn't cancel out your right to have a life and your responsibility towards your children.

That's why it's essential, I think, for the partner to act on her own behalf and in defense of the welfare of her kids. I don't mean confront him or issue ultimatums, but I do think that gradually you need to speak up and state what you need, what your expectations are, and where your boundaries lie. Don't do any of this when you or both of you are angry. This kind of thing needs to be thought through and presented in as calm a way as possible. Decide in advance what you REALLY want and need, what you CANNOT accept, and then state these things to him as positive suggestions. He might not get it all right immediately, but I think it's fair to expect to see reasonable efforts.

May I be totally honest with you? Your posts shout out something you put down in words in one spot:

As a survivor myself, I have so many issues, particularly ones that revolve around self-esteeem and fear of abandonment.

Against this background a lot of what you are doing makes perfect sense. I remember the self-esteem problem; as a boy I simply stopped caring about what happened to me - because I thought I didn't deserve any better. I think that incredibly self-destructive kind of thinking can affect women as easily as men.

And if you DO speak up, hanging over your head is the possibility that this will lead your partner to walk. That's a terrible thing to contemplate for anyone, sure, but for a survivor fearful of abandonment I think it's an espectally powerful fear.

Please don't think I am blaming you for anything. I don't mean that in any way. I'm just saying that in the current situation the ball is definitely in your court. Yep, it's difficult, and no, it's not fair. But this is still the way things are.

What to do? In the short term I would try to focus on these immediate issues of your needs and concerns - what are they and how important are they? How can they best be presented to your partner? How can you constructively respond when he tries but doesn't get things right?

Here I think you need the advice of other partners. I had to be stood on before I "got it", so I'm not sure I should be commenting much further.

Much love,
Larry